Books – Page 3 – Life Off Headset

Books Read January 2023

Okay, I literally wrote “January 2022” at the top of this post. When does it sink in? I once read a trick of pre-writing the new year on the first ten checks in your check book – I thought that was a pretty neat hack.

The Nineties by Chuck Klosterman – I’m not sure what Chuck Klosterman is. I mean googling him, he is defined as a “writer and essayist”. I think of him as a cultural critic, though I’m not sure what the qualifications are for that. Anyhow, this book is a collection of essays dissecting the 1990s from a cultural standpoint. I picked it up because I’m always interested in what people say about the times I’ve experienced. Klosterman looks at the decade through the lens of media, the internet, politics, sports, film and other things that were in the public conversation at the time. Klosterman is a cis-gender white male, and that was definitely in the back of my mind as I read the book; while there were some really keen observations in the book, I couldn’t help but to think that there were huge swaths of the American experience in the 1990s that was missing from the book. To be fair, he does acknowledge that his viewpoint is rather specific (as would anyone’s viewpoint be.). There is also a huge amount of snobbery in this book – for example, he skewers Titanic as a movie without merit, which dismisses the pleasure of watching a popcorn movie for the thrill of the moment. (He writes, “Yet the single most interesting thing about Titanic is its total commitment to expressing nothing that could be construed as interesting, now or then.” I mean I think a huge ocean liner sinking is pretty fascinating myself). All that notwithstanding, I thought there were some really thoughtful things going on in this book about how we (or at least the “we” that have the luxury of an examined life) live and think about our place in the world.
Some food for thought:
Most of the time, the skewed recollections [of our conversations] dwell on pop cultural ephemera – the precise spellings of minor consumer products, iconic lines of dialogues that are both famous and incorrect, and the popularity of a children’s movie staring the comedian Sindbad that does not exits. The most unhinged explanation for this phenomenon involves quantum mechanics and the possibility of alternative realities; the most rational explanation is that most of these memories were generated by people of the early nineties, a period when the obsession with popular culture exponentially increased without the aid of a mechanism that remembered everything automatically.
One of Klosterman’s points in the book is about how the 90s was the last decade when it was okay not to know something, to live with the uncertainty since we couldn’t immediately fact check everything. Once we could easily Google things on our phone, being correct became much more standard and expected. This thought made me think about the benefits of living in uncertainty – of being okay with knowing that you don’t really know if something is 100% correct. It seems like it would be hard and freeing at the same time.

In the nineties, when a semi-educated young person was asked to identify the root cause of most American problems, the probably answer would not have been capitalism. The more likely response would have been commercialism. … The problem of commercialism is the motive, and that can be recognized in how the thing is packaged. This differs from a hatred of capitalism, where the problem is the thing.
I thought this an interesting point. He explains that it’s the difference between hating Christmas and hating Christmas Carols played before Thanksgiving. But again, also his elitism is showing because what does “semi-educated” mean anyway?

The Death of Vivek Oji by Akwaeke Emezi – Set in present day Nigeria, this novel is centered around Vivek Oji, who he was, how he died and the community surrounding him. I wasn’t expecting a mystery novel when I picked it up, but that’s what it evolved to be. I think the relationships of the people in this novel was my favorite part. Vivek was part of a large, loving, and complicated community and I loved how everyone loved Vivek in their own way. His mother, in particular, in her tenacity to find out the truth of her son’s death, was heartbreaking. The writing is beautiful, almost poetic, and so immersive. I went into the book not having read the “back” so it took me a while to see where the story was going. The chapters alternate viewpoints, some told in first person and some in third person and there were so many characters it was hard for me to follow the narrative thread. I think I would have liked this book much better if I could have sat down and read it all in one sitting because reading it a little at a time over several weeks just made it feel really disjointed.

The Charm Offensive by Alison Cochrun – Romance novel set in the world of a Bachelor-type reality show. Charlie, an awkward tech wizard whose career is in flames agrees to be the latest Prince Charming in order to rehab his reputation. Dev, one of the show’s producers is assigned to be Charlie’s handler. As Dev helps Charlie navigate the women vying for his hand, the two become close. I have to admit, I didn’t completely buy that Dev and Charlie could get so close (physically and emotionally) without *anyone* on the show figuring it out and calling them on it. (Well, no one did until about 3/4 of the way through the book.) Or that it took them so long to figure out their feelings for each other. But maybe that’s just a testament to how messed up it is to be on a reality tv show? The other thing I didn’t love was the way the women on the show were portrayed, at least initially. I get that when you have thirty women trying to win the same guy there are going to be some stereotypical girl fighting and cattiness, but all the contestants felt really two dimensional until it was down to the last few and even still, now I can’t remember a thing about them. Despite all that, I did enjoy this book a lot because of the romantic leads and the peek inside making a reality television show. Dev and Charlie were both really nice and sweet guys with believable emotional baggage to figure out, there was a good amount of tension and chemistry between them.

Any Other Family by Eleanor Brown – I felt like this book was similar to This is How it Always Is in that it’s a parenting fable disguised as a novel. It’s the story of three mothers linked by the fact that their adopted children all have the same birth mother. The families have gathered for a vacation and get the news that the birth mother is pregnant again, bringing up questions of if they should adopt the new child or find a new family. A lot of the book is about how people create their idea of family. Each chapter alternates being told from a different woman’s point of view, which really highlights how one’s outward appearance can belie that doubts and anxieties within. I really liked that aspect of the book – the person who seems to all have it together in one chapter is seen to be barely holding on inside in the next, and how no one sees one’s flaws as deeply as oneself. Even still, I feel like between this book and This Is How It Always Is and The School For Good Mothers, I’m a little tapped out on “the difficulties of mothering” novels for a while. It was well written and very readable, but I just need a break from tales of exhausted mothers.

Lots of passages of note:
Violet wakes up. Elizabeth closes her eyes to pray for strength, then open them and forces a smile onto her face. “Hello, sweet girl,’ she says, pretending to be the cheerful mother she knows she ought to be, and the the withered thirty-something husk of a woman who hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in far too long. Violet begins to wail. You can’t bullshit a bullshitter.
Yup.

“Look. Things change. This is a fact of life. But you have survived one hundred percent of the changes in your life so far, which means the odds are high you’re going to survive whatever comes next, even if you don’t know what it is right now.”
One character says this to her rising middle-schooler. I need to file this away to say to my kids some day.

“The thing is, you’re going to be a lot of different mothers over the course of Violet’s life. It could be that you don’t like being this mother this infant mother, and no one would blame you for that, not a bit. it’s really hard. They’re energy vampire, and they take so much and give so little. But it won’t always be this way. She’ll be Tate and Taylor’s age and Phoebe’s age, and you’ll be the mom she needs then, and you’ll like some of those stages a whole lot more, and some of them probably less. None of this is written in stone. There’s no finish line in parenting, no end to it. We just have to be in it with them the whole time.”
It’s stuff like this that makes this book feel like a parenting manifesto disguised as a novel. There is a lot of wisdom to it, though.

On My Proverbial Night Stand Currently…

The Brontes – Still. Charlotte Bronte is now in her late teens. I had a moment of pause when I realized that she is already halfway through her short life.

My Plain Jane – A twist on Jane Eyre written by the team that wrote My Lady Jane. Amusing so far, though a little chaotic. Fun to read in conjunction with the Bronte biography.

Braiding Sweetgrass – Reading a little bit at a time. This week, I highlighted this passage: “The marvel of a basket is in its transformation, its journey from wholeness as a living plant to fragmented strands and back to wholeness again as a basket. A basket knows the dual powers of destruction and creation that shape the world. Strands once separated are rewoven into a new whole. The journey of a basket is also the journey of a people.”

What the Fresh Hell Is This? Perimenopause, Menopause, other Indignities, and You – Because I turned 40 and then thought… gosh I wonder what’s next. (I did read, and didn’t love, The Menopause Manifesto, so I’m interested if this take on the issue will resonate with me any more…)

I’m Only Wicked With You – Romance novel by Julie Anne Long, part of her Palace of Rogues series. Not loving it as much as the first two books in the series but not hating it enough to quit quite yet.

Books Read – December 2022

The last Books Read for 2022!

Husband Material by Alexis Hall – This was the sequel to Boyfriend Material, which I had read earlier this fall and adored. In this book, the main characters Luc and Oliver, contemplate getting married as it seems like everyone around them does. (I think it was in no small part inspired by Four Weddings and a Funeral. Also – incidentally, I was poking around Alexis Hall’s blog and he has a series of posts dedicated to watching every single movie that Hugh Grant ever made, which makes for delightful reading.) I didn’t feel like Husband Material was quite as good as Boyfriend Material – there were too many silly side plots – but I still really enjoyed this book; it was fun, funny, cute, had a big heart, and explored some nice themes about what commitment looks like. I love the idea of a romance novel sequel and seeing how characters continue to grow – life doesn’t end after “happily ever after” and this book felt like there was some really credible personal growth going on. Oliver continues to be swoony and regimented, Luc continues to be an adorable mess.

Joan is Okay by Weike Wang – I almost didn’t read this because I didn’t care for Wang’s first book Chemistry. I’m glad I gave this book a chance because I ended up liking it so much better than Chemistry. The main character, Joan, is a Chinese American ICU doctor and in this novel, she is grappling with the death of her father in China and her mother’s subsequent move back to the the US from China, while trying to figure out how to just go back to life as usual when life keeps changing. A lot of the questions Joan asks herself about being the child of immigrants felt like questions that I have wondered myself. I liked this better than Chemistry because Joan was actually contemplating these questions, whereas the main character in Chemistry just sort of drifted through life without a lot of self awareness. Some highlights I made:

You made zong zi? I asked, the entire breakfast table covered in food. I had to, she [Joan’s mother] said. Yesterday I was so bored, and this was the most time-consuming thing I could think of to do.
This made me laugh because my mother also makes zong zi – sticky rice filled with meat and peanuts and then wrapped in bamboo leaves and steamed. I love zongzi, but yes, they do take a lot of work to make – it’s a multi day process.

Director, the first time I put on my white coat, it felt like home. From having moved around so much and with no childhood or ancestral home to return to, I didn’t think myself capable. I didn’t prioritize home or comfort, because if everyone did, then immigrants like my parents, brother, and sister-in-law couldn’t exist. Home was not a viable concept for them until later, and it wasn’t a concept for me until the day I put on that coat, this coat. I pulled at my white lapel to show him. From then on, I knew that my occupation would become my home. To have a home is a luxury, but now I understand why people attach great value to it and are loyal to defend it. Home is where you fit in and take up space.
This exchange with her boss – I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of people leaving their home to make a life in a new country and how these immigrants contribute to their new country. What were the forces that pull someone away from the place they were born? I think maybe not all people give home the same weight in the calculus of life choices.

The Weight of Ink by Rachel Kadish – I picked up this book for two reasons: 1) I wanted a lengthy tome to read this winter, and this one clocked in at 592 pages, and 2) the blurb compared it to Possession, which is a book I loved. This novel tells two intertwined stories, both set in England, separated by 400+ years; in the present day, two scholars try to unravel a historical mystery centered around Jewish theology, and in the 1660s we follow the story of Ester Velasquez a young Jewish immigrant from Amsterdam, who is at the center of that mystery. This book didn’t have the same romantic sweep of Possession, but it did have a similar complex, intertwined onion-like layers of plot. I thought this book was so well researched and well crafted and I loved all the details. Reading, I realized that sometimes the difference between a lengthy book and a shorter one is the amount of ink devoted the descriptive details of things, from the smell of the ancient manuscripts in the research library, to the sounds of a seventeenth century theatre… Kadish’s writing is immersive and specific. I’m pretty sure I didn’t understand all the historical points in this book – I had to Google many things – and I think that if I had understood all the history of philosophy or the migratory patterns of Jews in early modern Europe, I may have liked the book more. But as it is, though slow to start and with some awkward info dump narrative devices, this book proved to be a pretty satisfying to sink into. I liked how nuanced the three main characters were. Ester, in particular, is one of my favorite heroines I’ve read in a while – she’s smart and bold to the point of subversive, and doesn’t ever fall into self-pity – I like that in a character. I loved this observation she makes:

“You asked once,” Ester said, “What my mother counseled me about love. But it was her life rather than her words that gave the plainest counsel. My mother was so angered by love’ failures, Mary, that she navigated with spite as her compass. But if you’d seen her, though she was beautiful, you’d have understood how easily the blade of spite turns in one’s hands, and cuts one’s own palms. So that one can grasp nothin, Mary. So that life is … no longer life.”

Also this realization from the scholar Aaron about the uptight reference librarians (both named Patricia), gatekeepers to precious manuscripts:

“… she was among those whose worry took the form of anger at the world for its failure to remain safe.
‘I haven’t seen her in days,” Patricia said, and as if his own troubles had given him new ears, Aaron understood that her terseness was love, that all of it was love: The Patricias’ world of meticulous conservation and whispering vigilance and endless policing over fucking pencils.”

This is How it Always Is by Laurie Frankel – This beautiful book struck me as actually being a parenting fable masquerading as a novel. It’s the story of a family whose youngest son at a very young age decides he is a girl and how the family handles and supports that change. There was so much in this book that I really related to – this line, “Bedtime was a study in chaos theory … Three of his four children were naked, which, while one step closer to pajamas, was still a long way off from bed,” was spot on. And also there was so much of this book that I wanted to hold close to my heart and remember, particularly the theme that hard things are necessary in life. The parents in the book try to make it easy for their child to transition to being a girl, and at one point they are told that just because they made it easy when she is young doesn’t mean they are making the hard part disappear. There will always be something hard and it’s just a question of when their child would have to face it. At one point the husband says, “Easy is nice, but it’s not as good getting to be who you are or stand up up for what you believe in… Not much of what I value in our lives is easy.”

Currently Reading…
The Brontes, Wild Genius on the Moors: The Story of Three Sisters by Juliet Barker – a door stop of a biography on the Bronte sisters. The everyday happenings of a small English town is proving surprisingly fascinating. I don’t imagine I’ll finish it before Spring.

The Death of Vivek Oji by Akwaeke Emezi – Someone had listed this as one of their three favorite books, the other two being The Great Believers and The Nickel Boys. These latter two books are two of my favorite reads too, so I thought I’d give this book a try. I started reading it without reading the blurb on the back, so I’m not quite sure where the story is going. (Anyone else dive into books without reading the “back”? I like to do it once in a while with fiction, just to come into a story with fewer expectations.)

The Charm Offensive by Alison Cochrun – Romance novel set against a Bachelor-like reality dating show. I don’t watch reality dating shows, but I love them as a backdrop for books. I’m so fascinated by how manufactured everything is. A fun romance novel is always a nice way to start the New Year, and this is proving to be just that.

Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer – I’ve been slowly working my way through this book for over a year now. The essays are not to be rushed because there is a lot of digest in them, but I’m trying to make the time this year to sit and read savoringly.

And some other books that I’ve started a page or two of, but I’m not sure they will stick.

What’s on your (proverbial or literal?) night stand?

Books Read – November 2022

A surprisingly full reading month. Some good, some not so good.

Dava Shashtri’s Last Day by Kirthana Samisetti – I felt pretty “meh” about this book. The novel is about a very wealthy lady, the self-made Dava Shashtri, who arranges for all her children to come home so that she can spend her last days with them. Secrets come out, families get redefined. I think the main thing I didn’t love about this novel was that I felt like that a lot of the storytelling was kind of … lazy. Throughout the novel diary excerpts, letters (unsent), newspaper articles, etc. were used to tell the reader what the characters were like, and while I love a good epistolary novel (Where’d You Go Bernadette did this so well), in this book these narrative devices just seemed a somewhat contrived and forced way to do some character development. Also … I know everyone has a story, but I think these days I don’t have as much patience for stories about rich people problems.

Shit, Actually by Lindy West – okay, this book was hilarious. Each chapter is devoted to one movie which West recaps while pointing out the sheer ridiculousness of the movie. Some of the chapters were so funny that I read them aloud to the Husband. West points out the sexism, agesim, racism, all the problematic -isms that were (are) pervasive in Hollywood, often to hilarous effect. The title of the book refers to Love, Actually – which I love, but yes, it has some really cringe-y things going on in it.

The School for Good Mothers by Jessamine Chan- This book was really well written and crafted, but it made me so angry. Which, I think, was kind of the point. The novel tells the story about Frida, who leaves her two year old alone at home for a few hours and is sent by the court to a facility that is basically mom rehab. It’s a little dystopian/ Handmaid’s Tale in the way that the women at the facility have no rights and must buy into this very rigid idea of what makes a good mother. Ironically, I was reading Sibling Rivalry at the same time and some of the language that the educators at the facility use is very similar to language in Sibling Rivalry, except in the concept of “mom school”, the words sound like some kind of military state mantra, and for a split second made me question my own faith in parenting books. Anyhow, everyone is miserable, the women are powerless, motherhood is skewered, and fathers get off easy in this novel. I can’t say I enjoyed it but it was certainly powerful and I really understood the way that the mothers in the book were all being judged and expected to hold motherhood as some impossibly high standard. “Unrelenting misery, finely written” is what I wrote in my notes. Some quotes that hit close to home:
“My ex-husband said my custody might be suspended. is that true?”
“Yes, the child will remain in her father’s care.”
“But it won’t ever happen again. Gust knows that.”
“Ms. Liu, this was an emergency removal because of imminent danger. You left your daughter unsupervised.”
Frida fushes. She always feels like she’s fucking up, but now there’s evidence.

The mothers at the school are instructed in how to hug their children:
They shouldn’t hold for more than three beats. Sometimes five or six beats is permissible if the child is injured or has experienced verbal, emotion, or physical trauma. Up to ten beats is permitted in extreme situations. Longer than that will hinder the child’s burgeoning independence.
When I first had my kid, I always wondered what the right thing to do was, even for the intangible….this pretty much sums up some of my internal monologue.

Frida is exhuasted from crouching and squatting and chasing and listening and giving and trying to channel frustration into love.
Yup… every day.

Siblings without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlich – Speaking of which…. I thought this book had some really good concrete ideas for how not to create contentious sibling relations. Which is not to say that kids won’t fight… just that parents can minimize their own role in their children’s antagonism. So many useful things in this book, the big idea is that when we listen to our kids and make them feel heard, they will be less likely to feel resentful of their siblings. A few of my specific takeaways:
– Don’t compare your children. This seems obvious, but I think there are subtle ways of comparing that I didn’t realize I was doing until I read this book. Specifically doling out praise – rather than praise inherent qualities in children, praise actions. Which I know is oft given parenting advice, but I’d never thought of it in context of siblings. When you praise actions, then siblings may be less prone to jealousy because actions can be emulated in ways that characteristics may not be. So a kid isn’t thinking, “Oh I’m not smart like my brother.” rather they think, “Oh my brother studies after school. That’s a good habit. I’ll try that too.”
– When kids fight, address the injured party, not the aggressor. So rather than, “Don’t hit your sister!” you say to the sister, “Oh does your hand hurt? Let’s get it some ice.” Then you show that your attention is on the injury not the action.
– Encourage kids to work things out on their own. Their steps: Narrate the conflict (“It looks like you both want to play with the train.) then let the kids figure it out (“I’m taking the train away until you guys can come to an agreement on how to play with it without fighting.”) I’ve actually tried this several times and it seems to work a lot of the time. I think in the past, I’ve stopped at just taking the toy away, but that extra step of actually telling them to work it out seems to really encourage them to talk to each other rather than sulking in separate rooms.
-In Family meetings avoid deciding things by vote because voting can leave someone feeling as if their opinions don’t matter. Have each person state their case, then state the family values you want the decision to follow. If you do vote, acknowledge the disappointment.

Tiny Habits by B.J. Fogg – I wrote little bit about this book in my last post when I was contemplating my morning routine. Fogg studies behavior science at Stanford, and his book is very organized- he lays out this step by step method he has developed to help cement little habits, with the idea that little habits become big developments or advances. I will say, I think the book is a bit of overkill for learning his method. I mostly read the book because I had heard him on an episode of Life Kit and was intrigued by his ideas, but I think I had expected the book to be more about the science and psychology of cementing habits, but there wasn’t a whole lot of that kind of backing. I don’t think one needs to read his book to incorporate his ideas into one’s life. I did like the lists he had at the back of the book of various examples of simple ways to incorporate tiny habits and prompts into one’s life. Also in the back of the book he has a fun list of ways to celebrate tiny habits – his method is pretty much: brainstorm tiny habits that would fix a problem/ pick one tiny habit and find a prompt for it/ link tiny habit to prompt/ celebrate tiny habit to cement it. One of my favorite is “Look for something yellow.”

My Lady Jane by Cynthia Hand, Brodi Ashton, Jodi Meadows, read by Katherine Kellgren – I loved this book, a take on the story of Lady Jane Grey, the nine day queen. Funny, sassy, sweet, smart, this book made me laugh out loud so many times. I’ve always thought Lady Jane Grey’s story was so so sad. I mean, she was basically a 16 year old pawn who lost her life in the deadly games of the court power. I couldn’t see how the authors could give her a happy ending, but they did. There might be a little imaginative bending of historical truths, but I highly approve. Also the audiobook narrator has this deliciously dry tone that made the listening experience a delight. I hear the second book in the series is My Plain Jane, based on Jane Eyre and I’m already planning to read that in January.

Olga Dies Dreaming by Xochitl Gonzales – There was so much I liked about this book, about a wedding planner to the elite living in the Bronx and her politician brother. The writing was great, the characters complex yet understandable, the book tackles themes of racism, classicism and the American Dream in a really sharp and observant way, and the plotting was swift and kept me interested. The book also made me realize how little I know about Puerto Rico, despite it being part of the United States. The two main characters are of Puerto Rican heritage and their complex relationship with the island is one of the main plot points of the book. The book also reminded me a little of The Dutch House in the way that characters in both books have to grapple with saintly absent mothers. I will say, that there was one bit towards the end that kind of just put me off to the book – it was just a plot point, an important plot point, but one that I wish had been handled differently. All in all, though, I thought it was a good read. Some passages I highlighted:

–Olga began to notice that her clients were growing steadily richer while people doing the work were getting compensated in exactly the same way. Even the rich people appeared less content than before. Simply existing seemed an immense burden to them. Their wealth bought them homes that were “exhausting” to deal with, vacations that were “overwhelming” to plan for.

– In the aftermath of the Spice It Up debacle, Olga realized that she’d allowed herself to become distracted from the true American dream – accumulating money – by its phantom cousin, accumulating fame. She would never made that mistake again.

In Olga’s heart there was a pin-sized hole of infinite depth that made every day slightly more painful than it needed to be. She thought of it, this hole, as a birth defect. The space where, in a normal heart, a mother’s love was meant to be.
I thought that was just some really beautiful writing.

Books Read October 2022

This month I made it to 52 books read. My goal for this year is 60 books, which I think is within reach. But also, I don’t want to just speed through a bunch of short books for the sake of hitting that goal. I’ve decided I want to spend the winter wrapped in a blanket, sipping tea, and reading very lengthy tomes. Preferably in hardback. Suggestions welcome!

The Murder of Mr. Wickham by Claudia Gray – A Jane Austen inspired murder mystery that features the characters from Austen’s novels gathering for a house party at the house of Emma and Mr. Knightly. Marianne and Colonel Brandon are among the guests, as well as Lizzie Bennett (now Mrs. Darcy) and Mr. Darcy and their son. This book is so cleverly put together. It was a light and fun read and I really enjoyed reading about life after “happily ever after” for each of the couples. Gray has clearly thought through how each couple’s marriage plays out and the relationships she portrays feel entirely in keeping with the characters that Austen created. It was kind of like reading really good fan fiction, and I mean that as a total compliment. I will say, I felt that the actual murder plot was not entirely convincing, but then again, I don’t know that that was entirely the point of the book.

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas – 2017 YA novel about sixteen year old Starr, a black teenager who witnesses the fatal shooting of her childhood friend by a police officer. Starr goes to a private prep school in the suburbs, worlds away from the gritty neighborhood she lives in, and has become adept at navigating two worlds. The novel deals with how she deals with the aftermath of the shooting, wanting to do the right thing but afraid of the fallout for her community and for her family and for her very own life. I thought this book was really riveting and I stayed up late to finish it. Clearly all the accolades it has received are well deserved. I think my one quibble was with Starr’s white boyfriend from her fancy prep school; he often comes off as the token good white guy who integrates seamlessly into Starr’s life in a White Savior kind of way.

Mother Trucker: Finding Joy On the Loneliest Road in America by Amy Butcher – Butcher, a writer and professor in an emotionally abusive relationship, seeks out Joy “Mothertrucker” Weibe after discovering her on Instagram. Weibe is the only female ice trucker in Alaska, and Butcher is drawn to her seemingly independent and bad ass life. So Butcher contacts Weibe and asks to come visit and ride along with her as she drives up Dalton Highway, a remote and dangerous dirt and gravel road in Alaska. To be honest, I thought this book was going to be a profile on Weibe, or some kind of adventure travelogue. In the end, though, the book was more about Butcher herself and her journey to turn her life around – kind of like Wild, but with Joy “Mothertrucker” standing in for the Pacific Crest Trail as the catalyst for self discovery. That aspect I found a little disappointing because I really wanted to get a deep dive into Joy and life as an ice trucker, and instead she comes across as some kind of mystical wise woman. Still, there are some great details about what it is like to drive the Dalton Highway and there is a lot of brutally honest writing in this book about relationships and abuse. (So warning on that)

The Self-Driven Child by William Stixrud, PhD, and Ned Johnson – I read Stixrud and Johnsons’ book “What Do You Say” earlier this year and found their scripts for parenting really helpful. The Self-Driven Child is their first book, and I would say it focusses less on scripts, but more on the science and strategies of how a parent fits into the life of their child, namely as a consultant and coach rather than as a dictator. Their book is based in a combination of brain science and real life experience through their work as a tutor/test prep instructor (Johnson) and a clinical psychologist (Stixrud). The book is well organized with tangible action steps at the end of each chapter, which I really liked. So often parenting books are all about theory and ideas but don’t give parents concrete steps they can do with their children I made so many highlights in this book that I feel as if I should just get my own copy. Some good things to remember:
– “If you act as if it’s your job to see that your child does his homework, practices the piano, or plays a sport, you reinforce the mistaken belief that somebody other than he is responsible for getting his work done. He doesn’t have to think about it because, on some level, he knows that eventually someone will “make” him do it.” Such a good reminder that being overly involved does not serve your child well.
– “Kids need responsibility more than they deserve it” – this one is a hard one for me, but makes sense upon reflection. I always thought that kids earned responsibility, but the book indicates that they have to grow into it and they can’t grow into it unless given the chance to do it.
– “He began to suggest to parents that they make enjoying their kids their top priority so that their kids would have the experience of being joy-producing organisms.” I forget this one a lot. I just don’t enjoy my kids a lot of the time… and that shouldn’t be their problem. I definitely need to work on this one. Kids need to know that their value is not in their quantifiable achievements.
– “But you’re in it with your kids for the long-haul, and part of being a parent is standing on the sidelines sometimes so that they can return to you for a hug and pep talk before going back out there. That’s where it’s most important for you to stand. So stand tall, don’t forget to cheer, and at the end of the day, remind them that you care much more about them than any stupid test score.”

You Can’t Be Serious by Kal Penn (audiobook read by Kal Penn) – Kal Penn is known for many things, but for me he will first and foremost be Kumar from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. I thought his memoir really fantastic, full of anecdotes from his time both as an actor and as an Obama staffer. He comes across as a really intelligent and thoughtful person. Because I myself went into a career that isn’t the most traditional one for Asian Americans, I always like hearing of other Asian Americans who went into non-traditional careers. What really struck me, though, was not just the anecdotes, but the really honest way he talks about being an Indian American in Hollywood. He does not shy away from calling out the racism that he encountered over and over again. From constantly being told that something would be funnier if he could do it with and accent (“What kind of accent? Scottish? Irish? Southern?” he would slyly ask.), to going up for an audition for an Indian character and the other person reading for the role being a white person in brown face, and many many more. And then, amazingly, he gets involved in politics and works in the White House for two years. The stories of his time on the campaign trail and in the Obama White House are really inspiring – full of such great details, but also a reminder of what a hopeful and decent time the Obama administration was. All in all I really enjoyed this book – it made me laugh out out, gasp with outrage, and warmed my heart.

Books Read July – September 2022

I feel like I got a lot of good reading in this summer, though September itself was not a big reading month because of work. I’m now filling my book queue with some books that I hope will be page turners, so I’ll be encouraged to read even when I’m having long days at work. But these past few months:

The Deep by Rivers Solomon, Daveed Diggs, William Hutson, and Jonathan Snipes, read by Daveed Diggs. This sci-fi novella centers around a group of water-breathing people who were descended from pregnant African slaves thrown overboard from slave ships as they crossed the Atlantic. It’s inspired by a song produced by the group Clipping for an episode of This American Life called We are the Future, which in the aftermath of George Floyd explored the concept of Afrofuturism. The Deep is a beautiful, raw, and evocative story which centers on Yetu whose role in her community is to hold the collective memory of her people since it is too painful for them all to remember themselves. She eventually leaves her people in order not to carry this burden. The way the novel’s water dwellers have created a world that is very different from the world we inhabit on land, I thought was a really thought provoking lens through which to think about things like race, gender, and collective history. Also Daveed Diggs of Hamilton! Apparently I will listen to any audiobook narrated by Hamilton cast members

Paperback Crush by Gabrielle Moss – This is a non-fiction book about the YA fiction genre of the 80s and 90s -Sweet Valley High, Babysitter’s Club, The Sunfire Series – pretty much the books I grew up reading. This book was a pure nostalgia trip! There were also some great interviews and details with the people who wrote these books and also an interview with an artist who did some of the cover art. That inside peek at how formulaic these books were was fascinating to me. The book does end somewhat abruptly, but before then it brought back so many memories of some of my formative reading years. Also, I definitely made notes of some books that seemed really interesting that I never read when I was a tween and which I might be interested in picking up now.

Hamnet by Maggie O’Farrell – Novel that imagines the life of Shakespeare’s wife and children during the plague of 1596. I loved so much about this book – the elegant precision of the writing, the details of life in the 1600s, the way the characters were so fully drawn, the relationships, the Shakespeare references (even though he is never mentioned by name and indeed was a somewhat shadowing figure on the sidelines throughout), the exquisite sadness of the book. The ending – the beautiful, cathartic ending. I’m not a book crier, but this book brought a lump to my throat.

The Love of My Life by Rosie Walsh, read by Imogen Church and Theo Soloman – Domestic suspense novel of the “Woman in Peril” genre. This book was not what I expected, and in a good way. Without giving away anything, I’ll just say that I really liked how this book explored how love can be so complicated and so simple at the same time.

The Splendid and the Vile by Eric Larson – Larson recounts the first year of Winston Churchill’s term as Prime Minister of Great Britain and the beginning of WWII. This book looks at that time not only through the political and military lens, but also through the domestic and personal one. The book reminds me of the Virginia Woolf quote, “This is an important book, the critic assumes, because it deals with war. This is an insignificant book because it deals with the feelings of women in a drawing room.” Larson shows that war and drawing room feelings are both equally important – even against the backdrop of war, people still continued to live their lives, fall in love, have affairs, worry about their children. Even as history is being made, lives continued to be lived. I also felt there was a certain similarity between Londoners living through the Blitz and us living through COVID – the unrelenting tension of living life in a constant state of caution.

The Great Green Room by Amy Cary – I heard this biography recommended on the podcast What Should I Read Next. This is a book about Margaret Wise Brown, who wrote, among other things, the classic Good Night, Moon. I thought the book itself rather methodical and workman like in its prose, but the details of Brown’s life were interesting, particularly her ideas of what would appeal to children – insights that were I think notable given that she didn’t have children. Or maybe it’s because she didn’t have children that she was able to have such a unique perspective on what would interest them in a book.

Well Met by Jen DeLuca – This past summer, I read this blog post that broke down Goodread’s list of most popular romance novels of the past three years. Anyhow, I thought it was a hilarious analysis of the titles included in the list – most of which I haven’t read because I tend to read historical romance, and most of the titles were contemporary romances. But only three titles on the Goodread list made her “Loved” list. One of them was Bringing Down the Duke by Evie Dunmore, which I also loved, so I figured the other two books would be worth checking out. This was one of them. It did not disappoint. Well Met is set against the backdrop of a Renaissance Festival – so already it is sprinkled with my catnip. Anyhow this is a charming and sweet and funny book. I don’t always love first person narrative – which is probably why I don’t read a whole lot of contemporary romance – but the heroine in this book had such a hilarious personality that I didn’t mind much.

News of the World by Paulette Jiles – Spare yet perfectly pitched novella about Captain Jefferson Kydd, an elderly widower who makes a living going from town to town reading the news to people in the American Frontier in post Civil War America. He takes on the task of bringing a girl, Johanna, back to her relatives. Johanna’s parents had been killed by Kiowa raiders and she has been living with the Kiowa for the past four years and life with them was the only thing she has known. The journey Kydd and Johanna take is dangerous and without comfort, but along the way Kydd and Johanna, form a special bond even as they struggle to understand each other. Jile’s prose is so very good. The end left me a little teary eyed. One of my favorite passages:
“No, my dear, he said. He put his hand over hers, once again placed the fork correctly, and once again lifted it to her mouth. Then he sat on his own side of the wagon and saw her struggling with the fork, the knife, the stupidity of it, the unknown reasons that human being would approach food in this manner, reasons incomprehensible, inexplicable, for which they had not common language. She tried again, and then turned and threw the fork into a box stall.”

How to Keep House while Drowning by K.C. Davis – My house feels like a constant state of mess, so of course this book was appealing. Davis, who is a licensed profession therapist, approaches keeping house from a mental health standpoint and there were so may wise and gentle ideas in her book. My two main takeaways:
– “Care tasks are morally neutral.” I really needed to hear this because often I think of my inability to keep things clean and tidy as a failure of some sort. And, I admit, I feel like I pass that feeling on to my kids. We are raised on the “Cleanliness next to Godliness” adage, but Davis reminds us:
“You can be a fully functioning, fully successful, happy, kind, generous adult and never be good at cleaning.” Taking away the feeling of guilt and shame associated with keeping a clean house helps me focus on the why I want to keep my house clean and how to achieve that goal, rather than wallowing in the parts of cleaning I find hard.
-Think about what it takes to make things functional, and start with that as your baseline. She also re-frames cleaning as “re-setting”. In thinking about how to reset my space every evening so that future me can function in the morning proves a really helpful framework for when things are overwhelming. So, for example, the dining room floor might not get swept, but the kitchen counter is clean so that I can make breakfast in the morning.
“Cleaning is endless. Resetting space has a goal.”
Even aside from the deep thoughts about cleaning and how to organize your life, Davis also has some really practical tips and strategies that I like. I found this book really helpful.

Broken Horses by Brandi Carlile, read by Brandi Carlile – When the Husband and I were first dating, he would listen to Brandi Carlile’s self titled debut album every single morning. We called it breakfast music. I thought Carlile’s memoir was a really great read/listen- she has a straightforward easy style of writing as one would expect from her music, and I really enjoyed hearing about her life. I was also really struck by how humble and hard-working she was. She doesn’t hide the hustle nor her good luck. An added bonus of the audiobook is that between chapters, she performs songs that she talks about in the previous chapter – it adds so much depths to hear Carlile sing a song after finding out what it meant to her.

Klara and the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro – I usually really like Ishiguro, but this book took me a while to get into and I still don’t think I fully understand it. Ishiguro’s rather detached and naive prose style is probably quite suited for a story told through the eyes of an Klara, an Artificial Friend – an AI creation who goes to live with Josie, a very sick girl. Like most Ishiguro novels, the narrator doesn’t quite understand the whole picture and I actually found it frustrating in parts. I understand the narrative device as a means of exploring the idea of humanity, but the book just didn’t mesh for me like a lot of Ishiguro’s other books.

When We Lost Our Heads by Heather O’Neill – I picked up this book because it is set in Montreal and I like to read books set in my destination city when I’m travelling. This book was certainly well written – smart and satirical with characters all slightly off kilter. Set in late 19th century Montreal, it tells the story of two girls, Marie Antoinette and Sadie, who come from different backgrounds but both live in a wealthy section of Montreal. They become friends but then are separated after a tragic incident. They both grow up to tackle ideas of feminism in very different ways. This book really skewers men and the way they take women for granted and underestimate them. I thought the book very clever, but overall the style was a little heavy handed and stilted and I didn’t love it. A notable quote, though:
“The truth was, she had always liked being alone. Women never got to be alone. That was too much of a luxury. Women always had someone to take care of. She had o one to take care of. She got to really do what she pleased. She left her clothes on the side of the bed. There was no one who would yell at her for leaving them.”

Boyfriend Material by Alexis Hall – This was the other book on NGS’s list of “loved” romance novels from the Goodreads list. I, too, loved this book. It was funny and swoony and heartfelt. It tells the story of screw up tangentially famous Luc O’Donnell who needs a fake boyfriend to save his career so his friend sets him up with the unimpeachable and slightly uptight barrister Oliver Blackwood. Slightly uptight and unimpeachable heroes are kind of my romance novel catnip so I enjoyed that aspect very much. But even aside from that this book balanced humour and sincere emotion perfectly. Such a good read.

Lovely War by Julie Berry narrated by Jayne Entwistle, Allan Corduner, Julie Berry, Dion Graham, Fiona Hardingham, John Lee, Nathanial Parker, Steve West – This novel had quite a clever framework – two intertwined love stories set against the back drop of WWI, told by Aphrodite. Yes, that Aphrodite. The Goddess of Love has been caught in an affair with the God of War and she must argue her case. Other also gods drop in to help tell the stories of love in time of war. The premise of the novel is quite clever, but the heart of the story lies in the journeys of hope and resilience the pair of lovers take – I thought it a really touching and engaging story. The audio version had different actors voice the different gods’ contribution, and I really enjoyed how each person brought a unique voice to each god.

Books read February – June 2022

The last time I wrote a “Books read” recap was in February. Since we are halfway through the year, this seems as good a time as any to round up the books that I’ve read so far this year. (Books I particularly loved reading get a *)

February 2022:

Facing the Mountain: A True Story of Japanese American Heroes in World War II by Daniel James Brown, read by Louis Ozawa – This non-fiction book recounts the lives of four Japanese Americans during the Second World War. Three of them enlisted and were deployed to Europe and the fourth was a patriotic resistor who was jailed for being Japanese. While I knew about the Japanese interment camps in America, my knowledge was very general. This book is filled with so many gripping and specific details of the lives of these men and their families and the degree of racism they faced in the wake of Pearl Harbor. I found myself so angry every time these American born Japanese people were told that they weren’t American and had their freedom taken away from them because of fear.

*Harlem Shuffle by Coleson Whitehead – This was such a well written and engaging book. It’s not as heavy as Nickel Boys, but still touches on the same themes of race, class, and getting ahead. This is the third book by Whitehead I’ve read and each books has had such a different style to it; I’m always impressed by how chameleon like yet distinctive Whitehead is as a novelist. And there are parts of the novel where I’m just bowled over by how perfectly his writing can capture something – like in one passage he describes slow moving traffics as “honking molasses”. Another favorite quote:
“The store was a circus during the day but serious and calm late at night, when the real work went down. Time, straight world rules, what his watch said – it was topsy turvy now. The temperament and spirit of these hours, what you stuffed into them, mattered more than where they fell on a clock’s face.”

The Stand In by Lily Chu, read by Phillipa Soo – okay, truth – I picked this up because it was one of those free books on Audible, and because it was read by Phillipa Soo, of Hamilton fame. This was a fun, breezy book. The main character Gracie is a dead ringer for a famous Chinese movie star Wei Fangli and she is approached on day to be the movie star’s stand in at social events, an undertaking that requires being escorted by the very handsome movie star Steve Yao. Between the book being set in Canada (Toronto, to be exact) and the details of Gracie’s Chinese-American mother, this book felt really homey to me. One of my favorite parts of the book is that on the side Gracie is working on creating a planner, which I think such a great detail. And in her planner there is a section for the “Don’t Think. Do.” list – things that just need to be done without over thinking. I think everyone needs to have a “Don’t Think. Do.” list.

March 2022:
If The Shoe Fits by Julie Murphy, narrated by Jen Ponton – A breezy novel about Cindy, a recent fashion school grad, who ends up starring in a Bachelorette type reality show. This book had so many fun descriptions of clothes, particularly shoes since that is where Cindy’s main design interest was.

*What Do You Say? How to Talk to Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home by William Stixrund and Ned Johnson – I found this book really helpful in that the authors provide a lot of scripts for conversations to have with one’s child. So many parenting books I find are very theoretical and have great ideas but don’t really give a lot of practical advice on how to implement the ideas with your kids, and also explains a lot of the neurological reasons why kids act the way they do. I also really liked that they encourage parents/caregivers to talk to their kids about how their brain reacts to things, so that they can better understand their own reactions. Another of my biggest takeaways from this book is the idea that if we intervene too much for our kids, they won’t learn to self regulate. So a lot of their scripts have the parent as a coach, asking questions to help their child figure things out for themselves. “How does that upset you?” is one questions they give for being supportive yet not overbearing. “[R]emember your goal:” they write,” a kid who know when they’re getting out of balance, how to get themselves back, and how to run their own life before they leave home.”

Under the Whispering Door by T.J. Klune – I didn’t love this one as much as I loved The House on the Cerulean Sea. There was an effortless whimsy and charm in the previous book that was missing in this one, as if everyone was aware that this book was about very big themes.

Notes from a Young Black Chef by Kwame Onwuachi with Joshua David Stein – Onwauachi became famous for being on Top Chef and subsequently opened a much anticipated restaurant in DC that ultimately closed rather quickly after opening. I thought this book was a really fascinating look inside the world of fine dining, a world that wasn’t easy for a Black man to navigate and assert himself. There is certainly a fine line between not wanting other people to define you by the colour of your skin, but at the same time wanting to honour your heritage in the food you make. One of his insights, really made me think of the world of stage managment, though:
“Catering is like low-grade war games: hope for the best, prepare for the worst. So I prepare for nearly every eventuality. I’m so organized my systems have systems. A successful kitchen runs on plastic quart containers and paper towels, strips of tape and Sharpies. On the doors of my fridges are taped elaborate spreadsheets breaking down each dish into its component parts and assigning each element to a team member. Now I just have to trust the system.”

*Razor Blade Tears by S.A. Crosby read by Adam Lazarre-White – This was a gritty crime thriller about two men, one white and one Black, who are drawn together by the murder of their sons, a married couple with a toddler daughter. Buddy Lee Jenkins and Ike Randolph, both men who have spent time behind bars themselves are determined to find out who was behind the murder of their sons. The actual mystery of the couples’ death seems secondary to the story of how Buddy Lee and Ike both come to terms with the loss they’ve suffered and their own prejudices against their sons and each other. This book was nail biting and heartbreaking.

Chemistry by Weike Wang. I was very meh about this novel. There was something very unsympathetic about the main character

April 2022

The Golden Compass by Phillip Pullman full cast audiobook – We listened to this book on our road trip to Tennessee. I had listened to it before and the Husband and I are working our way through the HBO miniseries, so we thought it would be a good road trip book. I don’t know that I will every understand the theoretical aspects of Pullman’s series, but the characters are really well drawn and Pullman does know how to weave a really suspenseful adventure story. I don’t always love full cast audiobooks – they tend to seem disjointed to me somehow.

*The Devil’s Highway by Luis Alberto Urrea – I had heard Urrea’s interview with Krista Tippett on On Being and I thought he said many wise and beautiful things, so I wanted to read some of his books. This non-fiction book tells the story of a group of men who attempt to cross the US Mexico border only to get lost in the desert of southern Arizona. This was such a tragic desperate story, one that really made me think about both the personal aspects as well as the global implications of our current border policies.

Matrix by Lauren Groff– This book was on so many “Best of” lists and I just couldn’t get into it. I did love all the details of life in the Middle Ages, and the sly cheekiness of the main character Marie de France, a seventeen year old deigned unmarriageable and instead made a prioress at an abbey that is floundering. I think the style of the novel, encompassing nearly all of Marie’s entire life, felt like it meandered a little too much for me to fully grasp the weightier things that Marie was tackling.

May 2022

Dial ‘A” for Aunties by Jesse Q. Sutanto– This was another fun rom-com romp of a book. Wedding photographer Meddelin Chan accidentally kids her blind date and her very hands on mother and aunts – who work together putting on weddings- come help, all while trying to pull off the wedding of the year. Breezy, hilarious and written with lots of heart. I especially loved how familiar the main character’s Chinese-Indonesian Aunties felt. I mean the book was ridiculous on so many levels, but it was a good time and I laughed out loud several times.

With the Fire on High written and read by Elizabeth Acevedo – I really liked Acevedo’s Clap When You Land so I wanted to read more of her books. This book tells the story about Emoni Santiago, a high school student and talented chef who is trying to find her way and do what is best for herself, her baby daughter, and her family as well. I loved how Acevedo’s descriptions of food were moments of pure poetry and hearing her read her own words was a treat.

June 2022

*Firekeeper’s Daughter by Angeline Boulley – I guess this is technically a YA novel, though I feel like YA novels these days are more sophisticated and nuanced about the topics they tackle than when I was a teenager. In this novel, the main character Daunis, an Ojibwe teenager, has to face how she can best help her community after she witnesses a violent crime. I really appreciated how this book took place in a Native American community, and Boulley was able to write about it in a way that didn’t feel heavy handed or, conversely, dismissive. For example, she often uses Ojibwe names or terms, but allows the context to help the reader discover the meaning rather than directly translating or explaining things. I really enjoyed this novel – the plot was absorbing and the characters struck the nice balance of flawed yet sympathetic. I was sad when this book was over because I felt really invested in the characters.

*Happy and You Know It by Laura Hankin– I really liked this book a lot. This satirical novel centers around a Manhattan mom’s group and the musician that they hire to play for their babies. In exploring what life is like as a new mom, susceptible to many influences yet at the same time deeply isolated, parts of this novel made me laugh out oud, parts of this novel hit a close to home. While greatly entertaining, this book also made me think about what aspects of motherhood are heroic and what parts are oppressive – and what is perhaps both? My favorite quote: “TrueMommy was the same old patriarchal bullshit dressed up as empowerment, and Amara had fallen for it like a fucking idiot.”

*The Dawn Palace by H.M. Hoover read by Alyssa Bresnahan– I first read this book, a re-imagining of the Medea story, years ago, when I was perhaps twelve or thirteen and it left a huge impression on me. I don’t remember why, but I suddenly got a hankering to read it again, but I could only find an audio copy at my library. Hoover’s novel, written in 1988, is told from Medea’s point of view, recounting how she fell in love with Jason and then abandoned her home to help him fulfill his ambitions. It was my first encounter with the story of Medea, and for the longest time, I didn’t realize that people actually though Medea was the villain of the story. Re-visiting this book after almost thirty years, I found the story just as engaging, but I think I was even more outraged by Jason’s callousness this time around and more aware of what a strong feminist statement it was to make Medea the hero of the story.

Dear Committee Members by Julie Schumacher– I’m a sucker for an epistolary novel and this was was a lot of fun. Breezy, irreverent, and hilarious, this novel tells the story of Professor Jason Fitger’s attempt to hold it together as his life and his department falls apart. The story is told via letters that Fitger writes, most notably recommendation letters in which he perfectly displays the art of damning with faint praise. This was an enjoyable book – slight and crusty with a big heart beneath.

The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunther – Something about rounding the corner of 40 and realizing that even though I’m still breastfeeding, I’m rapidly approaching middle age and all that that means for a female… so I picked up this book in hopes of some insight into what might be in store for me physically in the next ten to fifteen years. I have to say this book was not entirely helpful. Gunther says again and again that the research on menopause is scant and not terribly reliable and then blames the patriarchy for our limited understanding. She points out that in a society that only values women for their ability to breed, menopause essentially makes them irrelevant. That is the “Manifesto” part of the book, and while I agree it is enraging, there is a perhaps more rhetoric than useful information to be found here. My main takeaways: excercise, healthy eating and giving up smoking are the only things proven to alleviate the symptoms of menopause.

Five Little Pigs by Agatha Christie – A Hercule Poirot novel, this is one of her more straight forward mystery novels, but still charming and intriguing nonetheless. I had an idea of who did it, but not of the how. I have an affection of Agatha Christie novels and like to read one every so often for that blanket of familiarity that a cozy mystery can bring.

A Holiday by Gaslight by Mimi Matthews- A sweet romance novella by a new to me author. I love a good romance novel, but there are many out there that are not to my taste. I like it when authors write novellas because then I can get a sense of their style without investing in a whole book. I really enjoyed this novella which tells the story of Lady Sophie Appersett who breaks off her engagement to business Edward Sharpe because she thinks they will not suit, much to Sharpe’s dismay. Sharpe very much wishes to marry Lady Sophie, but isn’t quite sure how to navigate the anodyne rules of polite society. Matthews prose is not too modern and her story was full of lovely period details. There was just enough angst to make my heart ache a little bit, and the characters were smart enough that I did want them to end up together in the end. I’m encouraged to read one of Matthews longer novels.

Books Read in January 2022

A good mix of things to kick off the year!

Wintering by Katherine May (5h 33m) – I first heard about Katherine May last year in a really beautiful episode of On Being . I was deep in the misery of distance learning and having little kids at home and it was hard, but something May said really stuck with me. He own son was having difficulty in school and she was faced with the choice to keep him in school, or to take him out and try to find a different path. She said:
“And I felt very, very strongly that although I’d never intended to be a homeschooler and that I really didn’t want to — I wanted my time — that I knew that if I didn’t take him out of school at that moment, when he was in such extreme distress, that I would be teaching him a very, very bad lesson for his future, which is that your suffering is not relevant and that you must just put your head down and carry on and tamp down your feelings.“
And what really struck me was this idea that how we treat our children, how we value their experiences in the world, can in some ways teach them more about self awareness than all the words we can string together. One of the central ideas in Wintering is about allowing yourself times of rest and quiet so you can really focus on what your mind and heart and feelings want to tell you that you need. I think it’s a good reminder.
I highlighted so many quotes in this book, but a few of my favorites:
“Winter is not the death of the life cycle, but its crucible.”

“I’m beginning to think that unhappiness is one of the simple things in life: a pure, basic emotion to be respected, if not savoured. I would never dream of suggesting that we should wallow in misery or shrink from doing everything we can to alleviate it, but I do think it’s instructive. After all, unhappiness has a function: it tells us that something is going wrong. If we don’t allow ourselves the fundamental honesty of our own sadness, then we miss an important cue to adapt”

“The starkness of winter can reveal colours we would otherwise miss.” – I love this reminder so much. When I go hiking in the summer, everything jumps out at me and I don’t have to look to hard for colours. But in the winter, every tiny flash of evergreen, and every tiny berry pops against the grey of bare trees.

“… we are in the habit of imagining our lives to be linear, a long march from birth to death in which we mass our powers, only to surrender them again, all the while slowly losing our youthful beauty. This is brutal untruth. Life meanders like a path through the woods. We have seasons when we flourish and seasons when the leaves fall from us, revealing our bare bones. Given time they grow again.”

Clap When You Land by Elizabeth Acevedo read by Elizabeth Acevedo and Melania-Luisa Marte – This YA novel in verse tells the story of two girls, one living in New York, one in the Dominican Republic, who discover that they are sisters in the wake of their father’s death. I thought how the book handles themes of loss so poignantly. At a grief group, where people talk about loss, one of the girls says, “If we lost, did God win?” Such a thoughtful yet painful thing to ponder.

Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottleib (hard copy) – Gottleib, a licensed therapist, has written a book that is part memoir, part self help book. Through telling about her own experience going to therapy following a break-up, as well as recounting her experiences with her patients, Gottleib provides an insightful view from the therapist’s chair. I’ve been to therapy before, and I found it fascinating to read what goes on in the mind and craft of a therapist. Or at least this particular therapist. I particularly liked how she distinguishes between counselling and therapy for her patients. The former is when they want advice, the latter is for when they want self-understanding – I think getting to a point where you are looking for the latter rather than the former can be a very brave thing to do. A lot of wise thoughts, but here are a few:
“Uncertainty, I’m starting to realize, doesn’t mean the loss of hope – it means there’s possibility.”
“Every decision [humans] make is based on two things: fear and love.”
“Just because she sends you guilt, doesn’t mean you have to accept delivery.”
A realization about her break-up: “… I was reluctant to give light and space to the triumph, still spending more time thinking about how I’d failed rather than how I’d freed myself.”

Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood – I got this book as party of my book group’s secret Santa. I liked it in general, though the ending did throw me for a loop because I felt like the story was finally gathering momentum and then suddenly it was the last page. There is a certain obscure quality to a lot of Atwood’s novels where sometimes I feel like I have to work pretty hard to peer through cobwebs to see what the twisty turny story really is. I was pretty amused by all the references to “nose cones” and I thought that Atwoods’ future actually feels pretty close.
“Crake had nose cones for them too, the latest model, not just to filter microbes but to skim out particulate.” I laughed ironically when I read this line as I was in the midst of trying to find KN95 masks for everyone during this phase of the pandemic.

A Rogue of One’s Own by Evie Dunmore – this was a delightful and fun romance novel. It is the next in a series about a group of suffragettes in Oxford. In this book, the heroine Lucie has bought a newspaper in order to further her agenda, but her childhood friend/rival seemingly is trying to thwart her attempts. Like Dunmore’s previous book, the dialogue was sharp and snappy and there was just the right amount of groveling in the end to make my heart swoon. It’s also refreshing how Dunmore challenges a lot of the character and plot conventions in historical romance. I’m excited for the next book in the series to come off my holds shelf at the library.

Books Read in November and December 2021

Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia, read by Frankie Corzo– I do love a gothic novel, but this book went from gothic to unhinged supernatural and it wasn’t really my thing.

The Making of Asian America by Erika Lee – (11h, 39m). This book traces the history of Asian Americans in America, from indentured servants brought to Latin America from the Philippines in the 16th century to today. I have to admit that my knowledge of Asian history is embarrassingly scant, and this book, while dry, was really eye-opening as to the scope of the Asian American experience. The term Asian encompasses such a wide range of countries and ethnic groups that it is only superficially practical a term. Lee really lays how how different the immigrant experience and motivations are for the people from each country of the Asian continent. One fact that struck me was when Lee points out that census data shows that Asian Americans are “over-represented at both ends of the educational and economic spectrum.” I think many Another sobering thought was how Asians were often the target of miscegenation laws; to think that as recently as fifty years ago, there were states in which I could not have married the Husband.

4000 Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman – (4h 1m) I thought Burkeman had some really great thoughts on how we decide how to spend our time, 4000 weeks being roughly the average human life span. He posits that in acknowledging that time is finite, we can give ourselves the grace to be decisive about what we do with it. One quote that particularly stood out to me: “Everyone seems to agree that if you embark on a relationship when you secretly suspect you could find someone better, you’re guilty of settling, because you’re opting to use up a portion of your life with a less-than-ideal partner. But since time is finite, the decision to refuse to settle… is also a case of settling, because you’re choosing to use up … your limited time in a different sort of less-than-ideal situation.”
For someone who suffers from FOMO, this idea that there are many good choices and you should spend your time living the choice rather than choosing… it’s hits close to home. Not that one should make bad choices just to move on with life, but rather indecision is a form of settling as well.

The View Was Exhausting by Mikaella Clements and Onjuli Datta read by Tania Rodrigues – Breezy Hollywood romance about a British Indian actress and a fake romance that might not be fake after all. This book was full of the usual glamour and glitz of a movie star life, but also the harsh realities of being a woman of colour in an industry dominated by white men. As swoon worthy as I found the lush description of luxury, I really loved the more intimate domestic parts of the book where the main character returns to her roots.

The Salt Path by Raynor Winn– (3h 3m) Winn discovers that her husband is terminally ill and then days later, they lose their house and farm in a frustrating legal battle. Left without a home, they decide to walk the South West Coat Path in England, a 630 mile trail. This book, like Wild, made me yearn to take a backpacking trip on my own – something about reading about inexperienced backpackers undertaking an epic journey makes the whole endeavor seem possible for me.

How Lucky by Will Leitch – (4h 53m) This novel is told through the point of view of Daniel, a 26 year old who is confined to a wheel chair due to a debilitating neuromuscular disorder. The plot centers around Daniel’s attempt to solve a mystery surrounding the disappearance of a college student, along the way enlisting the help of his best friend and his home health aid. Daniel’s voice has a certain prickly charm and humour that I really enjoyed. At the same time, I was very much aware that I was reading a novel about a disabled character written by a fully able author. Not that I thought the book inauthentic, or that writers can only write their own experience. Rather it made me want to seek out books written by authors with disabilities because I think diversity should not just be about what I read about, but also whose work I’m reading.

Hector and the Search for Happiness by Francois Lelord, translated by Lorenza Garcia, read by James Clamp – The Husband had watched a movie based on this book and liked the movie quite a lot. I found the book rather pithy – the title pretty much sums up the plot – but I did enjoy the characters that Hector met along the way.

The Seamstress by Frances de Pontes Peebles – Novel about two sisters from the interior of 1920s Brazil. Orphaned, they live with their aunt who trains them to be seamstresses, but then one marries into a wealthy family and the other is taken into a band of bandits/revolutionaries. Their lives unfold with a tension that mirrors the political upheaval of early twentieth century Brazil. There was something sweeping and cinematic about this book; it’s the stuff that epic Oscar winning historical costume dramas are made of: strong female characters, elegant locales contrasted with gritty back country, big historic moments, secrets and lies. It felt good to sink into this novel and while it was slow to start, the last third was gripping.

Billion Dollar Loser by Reeves Weideman – (6h. 33m) Weideman’s book tells the story of WeWork, and more specifically how WeWork’s CEO and Founder Adam Neumann managed to build an office sharing company incredibly quickly by selling investors on an idea that had an almost mystical and ideological allure, even though the reality of WeWork was built on very shaky ground and even more shoddy workplace practices. Reading this book made me realize how empty the idea of capitalism can be when charisma can bring in investors even when a company and its founder are clearly unbalanced. Of course hindsight is 20/20, and perhaps there was something incredibly appealing about the global community Neumann and his wife were trying to build especially at a time when so many start-ups were trying to create businesses that were based on virtual communities. In the book, Weideman quotes another co-working CEO who says, “You get to the question of, is that what capitalism is supposed to do?… One way to ask this question is, in the system we have set up, do the people who were successful reflect the values we want?”

Books Read in October 2021

Much delayed post, but there were a lot of books read in October. I think quitting Facebook has really helped me boost my time spent reading:

The Riches of this Land: The Untold True Story of America’s Middle Class by Jim Tankersley – I heard Tankersley interviewed on Fresh Air and immediately wanted to read his book. He was the first male journalist I heard talk seriously about the child care crisis in this country, particularly during the pandemic. Most of the time when you hear people talking about the childcare crisis in this country, it’s a woman. Moreover, when male journalists talk about the childcare crisis I find they often treat it like a minor problem among a sea of problems, but Tankersley fully acknowledged that the lack of affordable childcare in this country penalized women in way that it did not penalize men. Tankersley’s book is his exploration into how the idea of “middle class” in America has shifted through the years. What once a concept of, if not affluence, but at least of ease, is not longer that, particularly for women and underrepresented populations. Ultimately, he argues, we (particularly white men, he points out baldly) in this country need to recognize that there is enough to go around, and we have to work together to create policies that benefit everyone, not just those in the top income brackets. I thought it a very good read. He also had the sweetest most eloquent tribute to his dog in the acknowledgements; I seriously teared up reading it.

The Sun Does Shine by Anthony Ray Hinton, read by Kevin R. Free – Hinton spent thirty years on Death Row for two murders that he didn’t commit. Eventually Bryan Stevenson at the Equal Justice Initiative helps him win his freedom. I don’t think that’s a spoiler… the story of how Hinton finally got released is nail-bitingly suspenseful. Hinton’s memoir is an incredible story of hope and resilience in the face of a criminal justice system, and indeed a society, that is incredibly flawed and rank with prejudice. The book has surprising flashes of laughter as Hinton always seems to be able to find his faith and sense of humour even after going to some pretty dark places. This book made me angry in a lot of ways, but it also made me think about how we live both as individuals and as a larger society.

Hungry Monkey: A Food Loving Father’s Quest to Raise and Adventurous Eater by Matthew Amster-Burton – Amster-Burton is a food critic and writer and in this memoir/ recipe book details his efforts to feed his daughter Iris from first foods to pre-school snacks. There is something about this genre of dad memoir that feels to me a little disingenuous with its breezy, befuddled-dad tone and Gen X bourgeoisie – though, I fully admit that there are aspects of the latter that I embrace myself. But anyhow, the recipes and food ideas were actually pretty good and I’ve written some of them down to try.

My Year of Meats by Ruth Ozeki, read by Anna Fields – I had read about Ozeki’s latest book and when it proved unavailable on Libby, I picked up this earlier book of hers instead. The novel follows two parallel stories of Jane a tv producer who is working on a Japanese television series on meat in the American household, and of Akiko a bulimic Japanese housewife who watches the show. The book is billed as a satirical look at the television and meat industries, and though I didn’t find it particularly humorous, I liked the way Ozeki tackled the idea of dismantling and institution from within. Content warning – it does feature domestic abuse, and that’s not something I generally like reading about, particularly in an audiobook.

Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner -(4h 46m) In her memoir, Zauner, who is half Korean half Caucasian, writes about her attempts to connect with her Korean roots and deal with losing her mother to cancer. There is an H Mart up the road from me and I love wandering the aisles and seeing all the familiar food and kitchen stuffs from my childhood, and also all the different ingredients from other countries. The book is about so much more than just food, but Zauner describes Korean food so beautifully that I could practically taste it as I read. My favorite passage: “Sobbing near the dry goods, asking myself, Am I even Korean anymore if there’s no one left o call and ask which brand of seaweed we used to buy?” I have never cried in H Mart, but I definitely have felt that sense of being lost in a store full of familiar things.

Bright Ray of Darkness by Ethan Hawke -(4h 39m) The Husband picked up this book from the library, and I started reading the first chapter because I was intrigued by what kind of book a famous Hollywood actor could write and if it could be any good. And it was. Very good. Hawke’s novel follows the main character, a somewhat dissolute Hollywood actor, going through a very public divorce while making his Broadway debut and trying to be a good father and a good son. I loved all the details of theatre life – so familiar but from such a different perspective from my own. The Hawke’s writing manages to feel really focused even when his character isn’t, allowing the readers to really understand the character before he understands himself.

Northern Spy by Flynn Berry – (3h 40 mins) A taut novel about two sisters who get entangled with the Irish Republican Army and the choices they make when they decide who, and what, they want to stand for. I had picked this book up on the recommendation of someone from my book group. This was definitely a page turner that I stayed up late to finish.

What God is Honored Here? Edited by Shannon Gibney and Kao Kalia Yang – This is a selection of essays written by Indigenous women and women of colour about their experiences with miscarriage and still birth. Each essay was so raw and emotional that I found I had to read my way through the book slowly, giving myself space between each essay. I’ve had several miscarriages, and while on they are very common, I think that I go back and forth between thinking of it as simply a medical issue on the one hand, and on the other hand something that is gut-wrenchingly difficult to go through and process.

Magic For Liars by Sarah Gailey read by Xe Sands – A novel that combines mystery with fantasy when PI Ivy Gamble is asked to investigate a murder at The Osthorne Academy of Young Mages where her estranged sister teaches. I thought this book was a lot of fun and Ivy Gamble’s voice was such a great combination of world weariness and reluctant compassion. I’m not a huge fan of fantasy and worlds where you can just use magic as a way to get by illogical plot points, but I thought this book was pretty good.

Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About The Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans, by Michaeleen Doucleff – (5h, 31m) Doucleff is an NPR correspondent who wrote this book after visiting a Maya village and noticing how they seemed to parent in a way that she was completely unfamiliar with as a Western Parent. She visits three villages and this book is about what she learns from their different parenting styles. I will say there is a lot that is click-bait-y about this book in it’s proclamation that Americans are doing parenting all wrong and that these different cultures have it figured out. It seems to be the latest in a long line of “Americans are parenting wrong!” books. While I think there are some useful points in this book, ultimately there was something about the book that didn’t sit well with me. First of all, I don’t think there is any “one size fits all” parenting advice; there is an infinite variety of parent/child combinations and every one operates differently. Secondly, I found a lot of Doucleff’s examples to be incredibly gendered. She writes a lot about how these cultures raise kids that are helpful, but in most of the examples she uses to illustrate her points it is the daughters tasked with helping around the house and caring for younger siblings. Furthermore, most of the conversations she has with parents in these villages are with the mothers. Fathers are largely silent. So while I think there are valuable lessons to be learned in Doucleff’s book about allowing your child autonomy and encouraging independence, I felt that her book perpetuated a lot of traditional gender roles in parenting. Which is not a fault, per se, but I think in a year when women have been hit so hard by pandemic care-giving, and women’s rights are being taken away in the name of progress, it’s not a message that I find comforting.

Books Read – September 2021

The Wife Upstairs by Rachel Hawkins, read by Emily Shaffer, Kirby Heyborne, and Lauren Forgang– Jane Eyre is one of my all time favorite books, so this thriller, a contemporary take on the Bronte Classis was kind of my catnip. Mr. Rochester has always been one of my literary crushes and I sort of loved seeing a take on him that was not the Byronic hero. It actually made me see how the original Mr. Rochester could be seen as quite a toxic character. I listened on audiobook and it was gripping – I’ve decided that thrillers/mysteries are one of my favorite audiobook genres.

Severance by Ling Ma – I think I actually read this this summer. I read a hard copy borrowed from the library, so it’s a little hard to tell. This novel tells the story of Candace Chen, an office worker bee. When a global pandemic hits the world, she finds herself joining up group of people who are travelling to a mysterious destination, trying to stay healthy and alive and not dissolve into anarchy. Certainly a timely book to read during COVID times, the book made me think about themes of family and permanence and what we cling to when the world shuts down.

The Hopefuls by Jennifer Close, read by Jorjeana Marie– This novel is about a couple, Beth and Matt, who move to DC when the husband gets a job in the Obama administration. They meet another political couple, Jimmy and Ashleigh, and the two couples’ personal and political lives become entangled. A deliciously soap opera of a book. I really liked the glimpses of DC, and all the familiar landmarks and restaurants that were mentioned. It made me long for my youthful twenties and indoor dining.

The Other Bennet Sister by Janice Hadlow -(6h, 30m) – Hadlow’s novel tells the story of Mary Bennet, the oft ignored middle sister from Pride and Prejudice. Hadlow manages to write a book that feels very much of the same family as Austen, with the same dry wit and insightful observations of humans learning to live in society. I especially loved getting to see Lizzy and Darcy from an outsider’s point of view.

Four Hundred Souls ed. Ibram X. Kendi and Keish N Blain, written and read by various people– This book is a collection of writings that tell the history of Black people in America. Each writer takes on a five year span starting from 1619 – when the ship the White Lion brings “some 20-and-odd Negros” to Virginia – to the present day. I would hesitate to call it a collective history because so many of the chapters are about and individual experience, and I don’t think that any one individual can tell the history of the whole. The majority of the stories in this book are events or people that I’ve never heard about, and that makes me realize that the idea of “history is written by the victors” is incredibly problematic. Stories of oppression and injustice need to be told and not just a casualty of the dominant culture writing the history books.

The Book Woman of Troublesome Creek by Kim Michele Richardson – (4h 25m) This novel combines two obscure bits of Kentucky history – the Pack Horse Library Project of the 1930s and the blue people of Kentucky. Cussy Mary Carter is one of the blue people- people with a genetic condition that makes their skin blue. She works delivering books to people in rural Kentucky who do not have access to them.

Hench by by Natalie Zina Walschots – (7h, 3m) This satirical novel is about Anna, an office worker who happens to work in the office of a Super Villain. As Anna rises professionally, she dismantles the mythology of Super Heroes. It’s a perceptive look at work place dynamics and how everything has a flip side and that flip side is very flawed and human. I enjoyed this book immensely.

Madeline’s World: A Biography of a Three Year Old by Brian Hall – This is a very detailed account of the first three years in the life of Hall’s daughter Madeline, beginning with her birth. It was fascinating and tedious… much like young children. Hall’s careful observation of Madeline’s every move, sound, gesture, and development certainly made me feel like I was missing out on a lot of my child’s life. But then again, if someone paid me to write a book about the minutia of a baby/toddler, I might be more observant. I’m somewhat kidding on that. My favorite observation in the book, in reference to his daughter’s preference for an image in a book over the real thing: “… it did unsettle me that she was thus learning, so early, to value the representation over the real.” I do think about this a lot… how to have children live in a world of real things. And who gets to define that?

Invisible Women:Data Bias in a World Designed for Men by Caroline Criado Perez – (8h 1m) Criado Perez is a journalist and advocate who focusses on women’s rights and issues. In her book, she details the many ways that women are left to a disadvantage because of a failure to account for them when data is collected using a male default. Reading this book made me so angry because by not accounting for the data of women, it creates a world that is unsafe, unhealthy and unfair for women. From crash test dummies to signs of heart attacks, from not valuing the unpaid work of women in GDP to not realizing the value of a diverse leadership, women are at a disadvantage and in many cases it is literally killing them. One of the most findings I found most upsetting was how the lack of gendered bathroom facilities in places with communal restrooms – ie. refugee camps, third world countries, etc. – creates an environment where women don’t feel safe going to the bathroom alone or at night because of the real possibility of being assaulted. “When planners fail to account for gender,” she writes, “public spaces become male spaces by default.” Such an eye opening read.