Tag: race

Weekend: things they say

Last weekend, I hosted some friend from my mom’s group for a Sunday brunch in our backyard. I was a little nervous about the weather being too cold. But although the morning started in the mid 40s, by mid morning, it was into the low 50s and the sun was out. Sunshine always makes things warmer.

We don’t have any real play structure in the back yard, just a couple logs and a baby slide. (Oh and a water table, but that’s hardly a November activity.) At first I thought it might not be enough to entertain a bunch of kids. The Husband kindly opened a section of his garden for digging, and we put out his childhood Tonka trucks, and I threw out a bunch of balls and some books. And you know what? That plus the bagels and hot chocolate was more than enough to keep them busy. I’m glad I thought to put some books out; it gave the kids an excuse to sit quietly between bouts of frenetic activity.

My favorite thing the whole morning was the nine year old taking upon herself to entertain the younger kids. She read to them, she set up obstacle courses, she threw balls for them. She already has job offers to be a Mother’s Helper!

It was probably a little too much to try to squeeze in the morning get together between church and the four year old’s Mandarin class. I had to leave the kitchen a messy pile of dishes and hot chocolate and cream cheese crusted knives. But I think people are itching to gather again, and I’m eager as well. I do wonder when I’ll feel comfortable hosting and attending a large indoor gathering again. We’ve been over to friends’ houses and hung out indoors, but only when it is just their immediate family and the five of us. I feel like for now, it just feels safer and perhaps more cautious and easier mentally to decide that all gatherings should happen outdoors.

In other thoughts: Because we were a little concerned that the baby wasn’t speaking, earlier this fall, I started to keep a list of the words that she says. In September, it was mostly “b” words: ball, beep, baby, bu(s), beh (bear). In October, the list grew: cake, read, see (usually said after I take a picture of her because she wants to see the result), milk, Max, Mama, Dada, Walk, Me, (s)nack, up, yup, duck, Crocs, Bacca (for Chewbacca or really anything Star Wars related). Her vocabulary is such a microcosm of her world and the things that are important to her.

So far in November she has added: digger, moon, rock, bike, ca(r), pie, mitten. Also jie jie (older sister) and ge ge (older brother). And- a big milestone – she has started to put two words together. The first time being “No, mama!” She actually didn’t start to say “No” until quite recently. When asked a question, she usually would say “Yup!” if the answer was affirmative, or just give a nonchalant shrug for negative answers. But this month, she has started to say, “No!” And she is not shy about using it.

Other two word phrases so far: “Wake up!”, “Milk pees (please)!”, “No way!” All very loud declarations.

On the way home from Mandarin classes last weekend, the four year old said, from the back of the car, “Mama, my face is the whole world!”

I’m not exactly sure what he meant by the phrase, but it struck me as such a profoundly simple statement. I read somewhere that according to the latest census data, multiracial people are the fastest growing racial group in the United States and that they will some day be the majority racial category in this country. I find myself coming back to this prediction as I look at my son. As someone who grew up in a very white small town, watching mostly white people on tv, I do love the idea that my kids are seeing people who look like them in the media.

When I look into my son’s face, I do see so many things. On one level, I see Taiwan and the American Midwest. But I also see so much happiness and pensive thoughts and frustrations and tears and concentration and the light of discovery. I see the Husband as a child, and I see the potential of children for many things. Oh my goodness, “the whole world” indeed.

Weekly recap + what we ate – out like a lamb + goals

The last week of April – lots of sunny weather and outdoor time. The husband impulsively bought the kids one of those plastic bat and ball sets, and we took it out for a spin over the weekend. The four year old alternated plogging and batting. I sometimes forget to get outside on the weekends, but the weather this week has been too nice to ignore.

As I stare down the barrel of a return to work (yay!), I’m feeling like I want a little less meandering in my life in these next few weeks.

Ever since the nine year old went back to school, we haven’t gotten into a good rhythm. Or rather I mean a productive rhythm. This is our days: drop off nine year old at school/ playground until lunch time/ lunch/ putter and clean up/ pick up nine year old from school/ dinner. I would like that post lunch period to be more focussed. Right now it feels like a never ending slog of cleaning up after the kids punctuated by some reading (to kids and for myself) and some (too much) random scrolling. Ideally this is where some of the preschool curriculum would go, but I find after lunch I don’t have the energy for it. The kids mostly wander around and do random playing between lunch and second school pick up. Maybe instead of trying to go back to implementing the whole curriculum, I could do one organized activity. I think part of it is, now that we are commuting again, I’m losing time I used to use to plan and set up activity. But surely one activity would be plenty.

So here we are, heading into May and summer. I don’t usually articulate goals, but I sat down and wrote down some things that I would to get done before heading back to work:
– doctor’s appointments and check ups after I’m fully vaccincated
– hair cut, after fully vaccinated.
– finish the children’s book I’m writing for my friend Kristen.
– Sort out summer camp for the nine year old.
– research a pool membership for the summer (might be late for this, but I think there are still options out there. Or we will just go to the county pool. But the nine year old wants to join a swim team, so…)
– figure out what to do with my car- repair or replace.
– go hiking at least once
– organize book club evening with my mom’s group. I like to load up on social activities before I go back to work, because these things are harder to figure out when I am working.
– figure out a camping trip with my parents for when they are here.
– work on juggling with three balls
– blog every day for a week. Thought it might be a fun exercise to have a “week in the life” down for posterity.
– fun times with kids before I go back to work.
– sleep.

It seems a pretty lengthy list of goals for the month. On top of the daily grinds. Hopefully it will help me focus my time and efforts and scroll less. I seem to average 4-5 hours a day on my phone, which I don’t love.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this article that I read, “Write Better Job Ads” It occurs to me that in many ways, that barriers to inclusion need also to be tackled at the entry level. So in a way, entry level employees should be seen as an investment. When organizations want to hire the “best” or the “most qualified” candidate – often the parameters for that are exclusionary. So perhaps you don’t need to hire the “most qualified” candidate for an entry level position or internship. Because often that candidate gets there through the benefits of systemic privileges. And honestly, the most qualified candidate probably has other options. So maybe the key to inclusive hiring is to cast the net wide and re-define what “best” means. Maybe it’s the person with less experience, but a lot of potential. Maybe it’s the person who brings a different life experience to an organization. This also means that a company needs to be willing to do the work to have these employees. Having someone who fits seamlessly into a company culture – maybe that says more about the company culture than the employee. I’m sure my musings on this matter are somewhat impractical, particularly in competitive fields. But surely in the arts, we can do the work?

Listening: This episode of On Being with writer Katherine May who wrote a book called Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times. It seems like a perfect pandemic book. There were so many thoughtful points in her interview with Krista Tippett. They talked about how we can’t just tell ourselves to “get over” unhappiness and suffering, but rather we need lean into them to really hear what our body and mind are trying to tell us. They talk about the need to slow down and how, as animals hibernate, we too, should have seasons in our life where we pause, reflect, and reassess. The hectic always moving pace of modern life leads us to miss a lot of the things and people around us and what makes us human. It is a gentle and pensive conversation. I have May’s book in my holds at the library and I can’t wait to get to it.

Some wonderful things this week:

My final project from drawing class:

I wanted to explore toys, and the lives they lead. I still struggle with seeing colours for what they truly are, and am surprised when things look better than I think they will. The shading on the baby’s face, for example. I couldn’t get it right, then I remembered that the teacher mentioned using purple for shadows. That did the trick, but it was hard to see that purple was the right choice until it was done. Working in colour is a little scary because it’s hard to fix. I don’t love the background.

I’m a little sad the class is over; it was a wonderfully supportive group of people to share art with.

Grateful for local listservs – We had been driving past this park next to the fire station. It had a play structure shaped like a fire station, and the four year old would always ask if we could go visit it. I couldn’t figure out if it was a public park since there was no parking, and there was no information about it on the County’s parks website. So I asked the listserv. Turns out it is a public park, but one maintained by a different branch of the county. And, in addition to this information, many people sent me other playgrounds with fire engine play structures. The four year old loves fire trucks, so we’ve put these parks on our list to visit this summer.

Fire engine. Not much cover, so best visited n a cloudy day.

Friday there was wind. Lots of wind, so we went to fly a kite. It never flew very high or for very long, but any amount of lift was thrilling. The four year old embraced the “run as fast as you can” method of kite flying.

The baby has discovered pockets. It’s the best things ever.

On our walk a few weeks ago, we came across a puddle full of tadpoles. This week we went back to see if the tadpoles were still there. They were! And fatter than last time. Someone had also put a bucket and a sign by the puddle, urging people to add water to the puddle so that it doesn’t dry up.

What we ate:

Saturday: Sushi take out.

Sunday: Can’t remember….

Monday: Gnocchi and red sauce (Husband cooked!)

Tuesday: Taco Tuesday! Chicken, black beans, rice.

Wednesday: Charred cauliflower pasta from Milk Street’s Tuesday Nights.

Thursday: Lentil Bulgur Salad from Moosewood Cookbook (made with farro because that’s what we had). With the weather warming up, I think pasta/grain salads will be my go to make ahead meal for Thursday nights, rather than soup.

Friday: Pizza (homemade) and Annie, the 2014 version with Jamie Foxx and Quvanzahne Wallis, and some not as good as the original songs.

The country we call home

In the wake of the spa shootings in Atlanta that left eight people dead, six of whom were Asian Americans, I’ve increasingly seen tossed around idea that people should “check in” on their Asian American friends and acquaintances. The spa shootings were just the latest in a string of attacks on Asians in the country. It seems that in the past year, anti-Asian sentiment has been exacerbated by a pandemic that started in China. The “China flu” or “Kung flu”, the whole list of xenophobic labelling has certainly been indicative of a casual and pervasive racist attitude, one that was amplified by our former president. It has made me so unspeakably angry.

I’ve been thinking of the idea of “checking in” a lot lately. No one has asked me how I feel or how my community is doing, and truth to be told, I think I would find it a little awkward if someone I don’t regularly have contact with were to contact me just to “check in”.

At the same time, I’m not going to lie, the radio silence does sort of sting – not because I personally want a spotlight on myself as an Asian American. Rather, the lack of discussion on the topic in my day to day conversations has left me wondering if the anti-Asian bias that I’m seeing is all in my head. Were these shootings just another American mass killing, that really isn’t about race? Is the anti-Asian sentiment which I feel has really come to the fore in the past year – is it something that I am imagining? Does being a model minority mean that we are expected just to ignore this and not make waves? When we don’t talk about racism (or ageism or ableism or sexism, or misogyny, what not) it gives the impression that it isn’t perceived as a problem in the world we live in.

I don’t want my children to feel like being half Asian is a burden, or makes them a target. I don’t think they quite understand that very real possibility yet. And while it would be great if they could go through life thinking that they have the privilege of being white, I want them to understand that there is a very real bias that they could face in life. It is a bias that may lead to them being fetishized, passed up for jobs, stereotyped, bullied or teased. I mean maybe not, hopefully no, but I’m not going to tell my kids that this will never happen. I tell them that this is something we as a society need to work on, even myself.

I understand the hesitancy to talk about this with one’s Asian friends, acquaintances and colleagues. Heck, I even wondered if I should have said something to our favorite sandwich guy who is Korean. I didn’t and I kind of regret it. I understand not knowing if one is doing or saying the right thing. And, to be fair, there is no one size fits all for this kind of thing. Some people would appreciate to be asked. Some people would rather not. Some people would welcome the opportunity to contribute to the narrative. Some people would resent being seen as a spokesperson for a whole continent. Some people would appreciate the sincerity. Some people would label it just another in a long string of performative gestures. It’s difficult to navigate – I get it.

But even if we aren’t talking about it, I hope people are thinking about it. I hope people are acknowledging that even if anti-Asian sentiment is not something they themselves see, it is indeed a very real and scary and is a legitimate reality. I hope people realize that it is not okay for these things to be happening.

I for one, though I might find the conversation awkward, would never fault anyone for doing what they felt was the right thing. Connecting is hard enough as it is, and any opportunity to do so is good, right? Awkward conversations are still conversations.

Anyhow if you were to “check in” with me, this is what I would say:

My father walks several miles a day. Lately he has taken to carrying a pointy stick with him on these walks. I would like to tease him about it and dismiss him as being paranoid and melodramatic, but I can’t. For him, being a victim of violence because of his race is a very very real fear. My parents, who have been on this continent for over fifty years, have done all the right things to be good Americans (and before that, good Canadians). They have contributed only good things to the society and economy of this country. And it really sucks immensely that this is how unwelcome they feel living in the country that they call home.