A few weeks ago, I signed on to a free online parenting class offered by the Parenting Encouragement Program. It is supposed to be a seven week course, but I could only make one night out of seven. The class I went to was about rituals and routines. At one point the class leader asked, “What routines do you have that make you feel grounded?”
I found myself raising my hand. “What do you mean by ‘grounded’?” I asked.
I can’t for the life of me remember exactly what the response was, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot during this busy busy season. To me, it means those things that make me feel stable and human. Those things that, when it seems like life is out of control and I’m starting to spin in my head, those things that remind me that we are human beings, not human doings. Rituals and routines that give me a bit of mental space so that I have the capacity for more inputs.
I do feel silly about how hard I found this past week. I mean I make opera; I don’t perform heart surgeries on babies. It’s not life and death. (I mean, not literally.) But it was a hard week, mentally and physically for me.
When I was writing the title of this post, asking myself, “What things ground me this week?” I thought – well, to be honest, tech really ground me to a pulp this week. Isn’t there a beautiful irony in that? The things that make me feel grounded are the things that I really need when life is grinding me up and spitting me out.
Here are a few things:
Tea in a mug. I often bring tea in my travel mug, but lately I’ve been re-discovering the tactile sense of connection of drinking out of a mug, the heat seeping into my hands and warming all of me. Drinking hot tea, strong and steaming, pulls me into a moment of just being and feeling present.
Short hot hot hot hot showers. I’m not a shower every day kind of person. I’m not even a shower every other day person. But this past week, I found that three minutes under a steaming hot blast of water was cathartic. I would drag myself up in the morning, after getting home past midnight. Sometimes during tech I decide sleep trumps showers. But these days I have to be up to pack lunches anyway, so I get up, feeling like the hard hard rehearsal the night before was still clinging to me. And even though I barely had time in the morning, I turn the water on super hot and jump in the shower, just long enough to breathe the steam and feel the sting of water burning my skin. And came out feeling like I’m going to make it through the day.
Classical music on the way into work. I have an audiobook for my long commutes to the theatre, but this week, on the way in, I just wanted to listen to classical music – I wanted the soothing, wordless melodies – anything with words would be too much. My mind could trace the musical lines as I listened, but also my mind could wander and problem solve and think about the day ahead. I think while part of being grounded is about being fully present in the moment, there is part of being in the moment that is also about thinking of the problems ahead. The challenges of the day are also part of the present moment. I know that people talk about mindfulness as being in the now, but I think the now is also made up of aspects of past and future as well.
Holding my son’s hand. The seven year old is in my show. (Which, on reflection, wasn’t a great idea for the family – it’s certainly has pushed us to activity capacity and the late nights have messed up a lot of things.) Some days he comes to the theatre before the child minder is on duty, so I take him out to the house with me where he sits in the seats behind me as I put cues in my book. He holds my hand as we walk around backstage and that little warm firm grasp reminds me that here is a living breathing human that I somehow pushed into the world, and how awesome is that?
The routine. Getting up in the morning and packing lunches – two slices of bread, two slices of cheese, two slices of ham. Apple, sliced. Five slices of cucumbers. One cookie. Feed the kids. What is important right now? Not obsessing about how to fit in 40 minutes of chorus break in a 4 hour rehearsal, but rather, packing this lunch so that the kids aren’t hungry at lunchtime. I don’t know how I’m going to fit in all those breaks, but I do know that we will get in the car at 9:55am to catch the school bus at 9:06am.
Expressing gratitude. For the Husband, for good colleagues, for the fine weather (that I don’t get to see). For being so very damn lucky that I get to make opera for a living.
What grounds you these days? What is grinding you up these day?
I’m writing this post as part of NaBloPoMo – click on the icon below to see who else if participating. You can also leave me questions for an upcoming “Ask me Anything” post via this link. Happy reading and writing everyone!
If you’re visiting me via NGS’s website and my guest post there – hello and welcome! It was kind of a freak coincidence that I guest posted on two blogs a week apart, but that’s mostly because I knew that if I didn’t get a guest post written before I went back to work mid-July, it wasn’t going to happen, and I very much wanted to make it happen. At any rate – I suspect most of you read NGS’s blog already, but if you don’t you should – she writes in a bracingly honest manner about books, every day routines, her adorable dog and cat, and life’s conundrums big and small. My guest post there celebrates her twenty (!) years of blogging by naming twenty operas I love. Thanks for having me, Engie!!!
Last week, my cousins came to visit, and it was deeelightful! By cousins, I mean my father’s oldest niece K and her daughter E. So K is technically the one who is my cousin, but in Mandarin, I call her “older sister”. I guess that makes E my second cousin? Anyhow, they came and it was heavenly. They played with the kids, read them book, had mediation sessions with them (!), and taught them how to make all sorts of Taiwanese treats. It was like they ran a three day Taiwanese summer camp for them out of my house. The kitchen was constantly buzzing while they made things like di gua yuan – little balls, made of yams (or taro) and cassava flour -they’re kind of the same texture as boba, but bigger, and you eat them in a sugar syrup or over shaved ice.
These purple ones are made with taro.
Shaved ice. My cousin brought us a shaved ice machine. Taiwanese shaved ice is a lot finer than a regular snow cone and comes with a wide variety of toppings. We had shaved ice with condensed milk and the taro balls, but you can also do it with red beans, fruit, boba… It’s a nice treat.
They did such a good job of taking turns on the shaved ice machine!
Onigiri. My cousin also brought a little mold to make these seaweed wrapped rice triangles. The four year old loved making them, and called them “Sand Castles” because you pack the rice in the mold then push out a perfectly formed little triangle, like you would a sand castle.
Rice Triangle – perfect pool food! The 7 year old did not want seaweed on his, so he just has rice, vegetables, and pork floss.
AND they picked up around our house. At first I was a little embarrassed by how my Cousin was constantly tidying our very messy house, but then E told me that Cousin K LOVES to clean. I realized that she is a tidier and it made her happy to be able to make our house a little nicer, so I leaned into it and just decided to be thankful and happy.
On the last night of their visit, we went to Hot Pot, and then ice cream. It was one of those sticky summer nights, made even more sticky by the heat and drippy ice cream cones, but the kids didn’t care. They played on the fake grass, running around and doing cartwheels. Which – the four year old can do a half decent cartwheel. I hadn’t known she could do that. What a charming surprise the first time I saw her flip her legs in the air and kind of land on her feet.
All in all it was a wonderful visit!
Other things on my mind… Going into this summer, juggling swim team season was one of my biggest worries, but with two weeks left, I think we’ve gotten the hang of things, so I wanted to write future me a note about what is working/what is not working currently with the current swim/evening routine. The current breakdown:
3:30/4:00pm– start prepping dinner for the pool and packing swim bag. Make sure 12 year old eats a snack. This worked well when I wasn’t working, but it’s going to be tricky when I go back to work for the last two weeks of swim team season. It might be a lot of food prep and take out. 4:30pm– kids hopefully home from school/camp, we all put swimsuits on. 4:45pm– drive to pool. 5:00-5:30pm– little kids go to their pre-team session/ 12 year old and I swim. She’s trying to teach me how to do a handstand in the water :). 5:30pm– pool time free play. I make the kids stay in the pool until adult swim or else we lose a bit of momentum. 5:45pm– adult swim – we get out of the pool. The 4 year old and 7 year old eat dinner. The 12 year old eats another snack if she is still hungry. 6:00pm– we are all back in the pool- big pool or baby pool, depending. 6:15pm– 12 year old moves to swim team practice. I continue pool free time with the two littles. 7:15pm– I get the 4 and 7 year old out of the pool- they take showers and get into their pjs. I take my shower while they are getting dressed. 7:30/7:45pm– 12 year old done practice. We head home. 8:00pm – home. This is where it all goes south a little. ideally, the little kids can brush their teeth and go straight to bed. But often they want to stay up or have another snack. The 12 year old eats the rest of her dinner. I hang up swim sits and clean out lunch boxes, scroll a little on my phone. On Fridays, we come home and have pizza and watch Glee, kind of our summer version of Friday pizza and movie night. 9:00pm/9:30pm – The little kids go to bed. Hopefully. Requires some cuddling/book time from us. This is on the later side, but I figure it’s summer so things slide a little bit. 10:00pm – the 12 year old goes to bed. If I haven’t already fallen asleep while cuddling with the little kids, then I do some more pick up/scrolling/sometimes I watch some tv with the Husband. Eventually, depending – I go to bed.
My current pool bag pack: -Two towels – one for me and one extra (I’ve been using Turkish towels – I love them because they are thin and pack well.) -Two hooded towel/ponchos, one for each little kid. I found these in the bargain bin at Bed Bath and Beyond last year. Love them – so easy to just pop on the kids. – Space Bag with goggles (kids and mine), and pool toys (it varies, but currently water guns and mini beach balls), and a nose plug for the 7 year old that he wears intermittently -Space Bag with pjs for the kids and change of underwear for me. -my rash guard -Sunscreen (Spray and lotion) -Shampoo/body wash and conditioner -lotion -a book -The two little kids have swim vests, but they are in charge of bringing those themselves.
The pain points I’m finding in the current routine: -The big one is that we don’t get to eat dinner together as a family. I realize that we don’t eat dinner a whole lot together when I’m working evenings, so this shouldn’t be a big deal, but I do feel like the Husband is missing out a little bit. BUT we still do pizza and Glee on Fridays, and actually there is no swim practice on Wednesday nights, so we do have dinner together on Wednesday nights.
-I wish I had a different pool bag. I have one of those Classic L.L. Bean Tote bags that are ubiquitous. It used to belong to my Mother-In-Law, and it’s certainly a workhorse, but it’s really awkward for me to carry. The handles are a too short to sling on my shoulder, so I have to carry the bag by my side, which is ungainly when the bag is full and knocking against me. (Though I hear that carrying things at your side is ergonomically better.) I feel like this is the kind of thing I will just be vaguely annoyed at for three months a year and just live with. What I really want is for the two little kids to start packing and carrying (and remembering) their own stuff for the pool. Then my bag would be lighter. (The 12 year old has long been in charge of her own stuff.) Maybe next year is the year I get the two little kids their own swim bags.
-I wish I could take some time to just swim laps. I know swimming is great exercise, but I have to always be watching the two little ones because they still are not strong swimmers. In my ideal world, the 12 year old would watch them during adult swim, but she wants to hang out with her friends and I want her to do that as well. At any rate, it’s kind of a non-issue right now because the weather so hot, there are mandatory pool breaks for everyone, so even the grown ups have to get out of the pool during adult swim. One day, though, I aspire to be able to swim laps. Maybe one day if I don’t have to be at work until later, I’ll sneak in a quick trip the pool on my own.
-I don’t think I’m packing a big enough dinner for the kids and certainly not enough vegetables. Pool dinners are all about what is easy to eat, portable, and appealing to the kids. So it is a combination of whatever fits in the thermos and snack food. I’ve been letting the kids pick a “pool snack” each week, which is usually chips or some kind of salty snacks. Which, is there anything more summer than a bag of salt an vinegar chips eaten by the pool with wet fingers? anyhow, I feel like the pool dinners I pack aren’t ideally balanced and the kids are still hungry when they get home. (Or they are trying to delay bedtime?). Still need to figure this one out.
-There is no time for anything else with the kids. So no picking up, no practicing piano, no chores. Which I think is not the worst thing for summer, but the house is getting gradually messier and messier and I end up staying up late to clean and revenge bedtime procrastinate.
BUT I remind myself that there are only two more weeks left of swim team, so this is just a busy season right now. Because we are lucky, especially in the 90+ degree heat we’ve been having, to be able to go to the pool and cool off in the evenings. It actually feels wonderful. So I’ll live with the messy living room and chlorine scented skin and rack of constantly damp swimwear in the sunroom, because there is a lot of joy and fun to be had these days as well.
On the Flip side – the things saving me this pool season: – Thermos and lunch box. I gave these a shout out last week, but these have been great for packing dinners for the pool.
-Everyone Lotion. My brother introduced me to this brand last summer. I’ve never been brand loyal to any one lotion, but I really like this one. It’s unscented, and not too thick and not too runny, and rubs in cleanly and isn’t too expensive and doesn’t have too many ingredients. This is what we use to keep our skin from drying out from pool water and frequent showering. We have the large bottle and then decant into a smaller bottle for the pool. I’ve also been using their kids’ body wash/ shampoo as well.
-Rash guard and goggles. In an act of adulting, I finally bought myself a rash guard and a pair of goggles. I’ve never been into rash guards because I don’t like pulling a wet bathing suit over my head. But then I realized if I wore a rash guard, I wouldn’t have to put on sunscreen on my arms and back. So when I saw this zip up rash guard hoodie on sale at Lands End, I decided to try it. Friends, what an amazingly sensible thing to wear! It keeps me protected, even my neck when I pull up the hood, and it keeps me a little warmer in the pool. I don’t know why I resisted sensible things. Same with goggles. I have terrible eyesight so I always just wore my sunglasses in the pool. But then I bought a pair of tinted goggles to help with my attempt to learn how to do a handstand, and again, wow! What a practical thing! I learned that I don’t really need to see too precisely in the pool and that I can put my head underwater and that I actually find being submerged kind of relaxing.
-Drying rack – The kids only have two sets of swim clothes, so we have to remember to hang up our swim stuff right away so that it will dry for the next day. I love our drying rack. I used to dry things in the bathroom, but they dry so much more quickly in the sun room. And I pretend that the drying clothes are contributing a nice moist air for all the plants in our sun room.
-Swimsuit cover up – Last summer, I bought this hooded swimsuit cover up from a booth at a festival. The booth primarily sold Turkish towels, and they also had beach cover ups made from the same material as their towels. I love this cover up – it is substantial enough that I can wear it with or without my bathing suit underneath. It’s really soft and comfortable. There’s a hood, for when I want a bit of protection for the back of my neck. And if I put it on over wet clothes, it absorbs most of the water, no glaringly awkward wet patches. It’s one of those things that seem pricey at the time, but I’ve worn it four days a week for the past month, so it’s been worth it.
This is the one I have, but in blue.
-Showers at the pool. Something clicked this year and the 7 year old has decided that he wants to take showers rather than baths. Yay! We’ve never been a “shower every day” family, but in the summer with sweat and sunscreen, we definitely need to up the bathing game. One of the best thing about evenings at the pool is I have the kids shower and get into pjs once we are done, so we arrive home clean and one step closer to bed. I love having that one step taken out of our evening routine. (Though I guess it’s just been moved to a different part of the routine…). Also I’m really glad that the kids can get dressed by themselves so that I can grab a shower too. I’ve never been more bathed in my life.
So that’s the swim life set up for us. Whew. It’s a big chunk if our lives right now.
Grateful For: -Finding Uh-Oh Bear! We have a little stuffed bear that a friend gave us when the oldest was a baby (or maybe it was the middle child?). We call the bear Uh-Oh Bear because whichever child had the bear loved to throw it on the floor and say, “Uh-Oh!”. Uh-oh Bear came with us to Maine, but then we couldn’t find him when we were checking out of our last hotel. We thought we had maybe left him in Maine and were really sad about it because Uh-Oh Bear is a very beloved stuffy. (I know I probably should just make the kids leave the stuffies at home when we travel, but they love them so much. Last year when we went to Amsterdam we lost another stuffed bear on the plane. We aren’t great with not losing things…) Well, this week, I was getting ready for the morning when the kids came running up to me, super excitedly yelling, “WE FOUND UH-OH BEAR!!!”. The kids found him in the bottom of the 7 year old’s backpack. Hooray! I mean I have all sorts of questions as to why the 7 year old didn’t empty his backpack like I asked him to when we got home two weeks ago, but I’m just going to be grateful for now that Uh-Oh Bear is back with us.
-Beautiful skies. The weather has been so unbearably hot, but there have been some beautiful sunsets:
-A bit of rain and A Capitol Fourth and a nice chill Fourth of July. My Cousins wanted to watch Inside Out (the first one) before they got on the road home, and it was the perfect, cozy early afternoon activity on a hot day. After my cousins left, I realized that I hadn’t been outside all day, so I persuaded the 7 year old to go out with me – he on his bike, and I for a run alongside him. Just as we stepped outside, it started to sprinkle. I asked the 7 year old if he wanted to just stay home, and he said, no it’s not too much rain. So we went for a rainy walk/ bike ride and it was lovely. And then we came home and puttered and ate leftovers for dinner and then watched A Capitol Fourth. When the 12 year old was little, I worked in Colorado during the summers, and my boss would always have a party on the Fourth of July where we ate food and swapped theatre stories while 1776 played in the background. Her house was on the top of a hill and had a perfect view of the fireworks the next town over. Only the the three year old was scared of fireworks, so we always just stayed in the house. Which is all to say, we’ve never really gone to see fireworks. There are also logistical issues too currently – our County has two firework displays, but they start so late (9pm – I get that it needs to be dark) and the one closest to us, you have to take a shuttle to get to the viewing location and actually isn’t even on the Fourth, it’s the Saturday after. It just has always seemed like a lot of work to go see fireworks. This year, the kids asked to go see fireworks, but I couldn’t wrap my head around going, so we stayed home and, as is our tradition, watched A Capitol Fourth and saw fireworks on TV instead. I actually love our little tradition – we get to see some really great performances, and then see fireworks over the Washington Monument, which is always very patriotic feeling. And then we fall asleep on the couch. Even though we don’t have cable, Capitol Fourth is streamed for free online – another thing to be grateful for. Maybe next year, I’ll think about taking the kids to see fireworks live, but for this year, watching them on TV was kind of nice too.
-Walkie talkies and the hours of play the kids have with them. I had gotten some walkie talkies last year for the kids to take camping, and last week they pulled them out and started talking to each other with them, carrying them with them at all times. There was one day when we went to run errands at Old Navy and the salesperson thought that they had taken the Old Navy staff walkie talkies and told the kids to put them back. It was hilarious and slightly embarrassing. My favorite moment from last week – this moment where I went to the park with the 7 year old – he insisted I take one walkie talkie with me while he held the other. It was a hot hot hot day, and when we got to the park, he sat at the bottom of the slide and just started talking to me on the walkie talkie – just one of those ordinary 7 year old conversations. It made me smile, this moment of him wanting to be far away, but still communicate. There’s a metaphor for something in that.
You can see his little legs hanging over the edge of the slide.
Looking Forward To: -Figuring out kid drop off/ pick up logistics. This one is actually causing me a little bit of anxiety, so I’m going to re-frame it and say I’m looking forward to things all working out. Each of the three kids will have drop offs at different locations – the 4 year old at her usual day care, the 7 year old at camp at a nearby school, and the 12 year old at theatre camp. The 12 year old’s camp is the farthest away and starts at 9am. I’ve paid for before/after care for the 7 year old so I can drop him at before 9:00 am, probably at 8:40p. The 4 year old will get dropped at school at 8:30am. At least that is the current plan. There is also a lot of things for each kid to bring to school/camp – the 12 year old’s camp requires jazz shoes and a pencil and a 3 ring binder and a recording device (see above). The 7 year old’s camp has water play every day so he needs to bring swim suits and a change of clothes and a towel and sunscreen. And of course all three kids need lunches and water bottles. It all feels like a lot right now, so I’m looking forward to when it doesn’t feel like a lot and just feels like routine. Pick up is also going to be hard… will report back on how that works out. (Okay, two days in, and first day we were 5 minutes late for the 12 year old’s camp, second day we were right on time, but that also felt kind of late. We’ll continue to try to do better….)
-Getting my hair cut! I finally achieved my deal with myself where I wouldn’t get my hair cut until I scheduled my well woman exam. And I did that, and now as a reward I’m getting my hair cut this week. I’m looking forward to having bangs again and getting my hair off my neck, and the quicker showers that come with short hair. I’m trying out a new stylist that my friend recommended. I feel bad for not going back to the stylist that I’ve been seeing for over fifteen years, but it’s gotten so expensive to go to that salon – last year when I was there, it was $120, including the tip. This is just a cut – I don’t do colour or anything like that. I feel conflicted about balking at the cost because I do think people should be paid for their work, but $120 twice a year is a lot. And honestly, I like to keep my hair short, so ideally I would go three or four times a year. But then again, maybe it’s not so bad? Would I pay $120 for a dress? I’m sure I have, and I wear my hair every day so if we are thinking of cost per wear … Anyhow, I’m trying out a new stylist. My friend says if it works out with her stylist, we should schedule back to back hair appointments in have a friend date in the future.
– Starting work on a new show! I start prepping for my next show this week. I’m really excited about this show. I am not excited about the commute though – it’s the kind of commute that can either take 20 minutes or 75 minutes, depending on time of day. I’m going to stock up on podcasts and audiobooks and make sure I have good car snacks and cold water on hand. Currently in my listening queue, Oh Beautiful by Jun Yung – which is not the book I thought it was going to be, and I don’t love it yet – and BBC Radio Drama version of Agatha Christie’s Sad Cypress. I discovered these Agatha Christie radio adaptations last year, and I love them – they are all between one and two hours long, and keep me attentive. It’s interesting to me that the audiobook might be 7 hours long, but the radio play is only 1 – so what is lost/what is kept? I guess there are no descriptions of people or places – everything is done with sound effects and acting. So you might not know that the lady is in a mousy brown suit, but what the mousy brown suit tells you about a character must instead by conveyed through the actor’s portrayal.
-Watching more of this, my current “watch while I late night clean” show. I’m finding it eye-opening, sweet and cringey and so so so human. There is one bit where the main character, gender-fluid Sabi meets trans Olympia and asks her when she knew she wanted to transition, and Olympia says, “Every person is constantly growing into a better version of themselves. We’re all in transition.” I love that thought.
What We Ate: Monday: Smitten Kitchen’s Coconut Rice with fried tofu and roasted sweet potato and cauliflower. This is the coconut rice from Smitten Kitchen Keeper which I keep making because it is so delicious. I tried making the coconut rice in the InstantPot this time and it worked out really well. Remember that for next time. Vegan.
Tuesday: Ramen – eaten at the pool. Ramen is a ridiculously easy thing to pack for pool dinner. I added chicken, broccoli, and frozen peas to it to bulk it up a little bit.
Wednesday: Hot Pot Dinner out with cousins K and E.
Thursday: Fourth of July, but we didn’t do anything special – we ate bagels adn other leftovers.
Friday: pizza and Glee. The Husband also made a salad.
Saturday: leftover pizza and Sing 2 and salad.
Sunday: Ramen, leftovers, whatever one could find. Sunday was kind of a random grab bag of things because I think we were just done with structured activities like cooking and eating at this point. We had a swim meet in the morning until 1pm, and then I spent the rest of the day prepping for the upcoming week while the kids did Lord knows what. There were forts and books and lots of chattering and screens – for the two littles I had borrowed these tablets from the library that are pre-loaded with educational games. It scratches that itch of being on a screen without me having to 1) actually buy them a screen, and 2) worry about what kind of inappropriate content they’re going to stumble on. And then periodically a kids would say, “I’m hungry!” and I would find them something to eat and they would eat and them move on then come back and eat some more. It’s funny how much our days are anchored around mealtimes – without any set mealtimes on this day, the whole day felt a little unmoored. But I think that’s okay once in a while.
