wise words – Life Off Headset

My go-to Boba order – Oolong milk tea, no sugar, regular ice, half boba, half lychee jelly. Bliss.

This weekend started with a rough night of sleep -the highlight of which was a three year old getting into bed with me and taking her “not poopy” diaper off in bed around 3am. And of course, the diaper was indeed poopy. So was her bottom. I suppose a bleary eyed 3am diaper change these days is a good, almost nostalgic, reminder of those newborn days. Then there was the 5am insistence that she wanted breakfast. And even though I could hear the Husband awake and moving around in the kitchen, the three year old insisted that it had be be “Mommy breakfast, not daddy breakfast!” All my good intentions for better sleep hygiene are being sabotaged by a pint sized toddler.

The rest of the weekend felt very indulgent. We went to try out a new Hot Pot place for Saturday dinner. We haven’t been to Hot Pot since before the pandemic, and I feel like going to Hot Pot is kind of a barometer of our comfort level with COVID times. (For those who haven’t been – hot pot is an Asian dining format where you get a pot with a pot of broth over a burner at your table – either individual pots or one pot for the table – and the diners add meats and sea food, and veggies and noodles to their own preference. It is a great social meal and usually takes a couple hours to really do it right.) Not quite sure if Hot Pot is a rational barometer or not, to be honest. We didn’t go to one of those places with a conveyor belt that brought your food, but rather our Hot Pot foods were brought by waiters after we ordered it via iPad, so it wasn’t like other people in the restaurant were breathing on it. There was also a charming robot that delivered boba tea, though we didn’t get to try that out because it seemed to get stuck a lot. We just went to the tea shop next to the restaurant and got boba after dinner. Then there was a band playing out on the plaza outside the restaurant so we hung out and drank our boba and listened to music for a little bit while the kids ran around on the grass. We probably over did it a little as the three year old vomited on the sidewalk at one point. “Don’t step in my vomit!” she yelled to us cheerily afterwards. So I guess she was okay.

Sunday, the eating tour continued because we decided to go to the Taiwanese breakfast place. Taiwanese breakfast features bowls of steaming soy milk – either sweetened with sugar, or savory with scallions and sesame oil – which we eat with large sticks of fried dough (“yo tiao”). Along with that we have scallion pancakes, dumplings, noodles, seaweed salads, edamame and mustard green salad, “dan bing” (egg pancakes)… So much food, but all of it is super tasty and comforting. And afterwards, because there was a tea shop just next door, I had my second boba tea of the weekend. Boba is definitely a treat for me and to have it twice in one weekend was extra special. The tea shop next to Taiwanese breakfast also happens to serve Taiwanese shaved ice which is softer and fluffier than the Western version, and is topped with different jellies and red bean and fruit. My dad had been wondering if there was a shaved ice place in our area, so I was glad to have found this place and have mentally bookmarked it for later.

After breakfast and boba, we went to buy new shoes and boots for the kids. Our favorite shoe place has a policy that if you buy snow boots in September or October, if it doesn’t snow more than an inch all winter, they will take the shoes back in April. It is definitely pricier to buy shoes at Shoe Train, but the service is really great. The shocker this time around is that the ten year old now wears the same size shoe as me! I wasn’t ready for that yet…

Once everyone had new shoes, I took the two little kids to the park since the weather was beautiful and I wanted to spend some time outside. Then in the evening, we went over to a friend’s house for dinner. We got take out Chipotle and pizza and just sat around and talked all evening. I also baked a pie. The Husband had been wanting to make a pie with some of the apples he had gotten from the market a few weeks ago, so I was determined to make it happen, but then forgot we were hanging out with friends that night. So I asked if we could bake the pie at their place and they said sure! I made the filling and dough at home – the kids helped – and then assembled the pie and baked it in my friend’s oven and we had pie for dessert.

So it felt like a very full weekend. I did not get to the ten year old’s Halloween costume, so I need to make that a priority for the next few weeks, for sure.

Other fun/ interesting/ thought-provoking things from last week:

-Monday was Indigenous People Day, but the kids still had school. Traditionally this day is an open house at school for the parents to come an observe the classroom. My dad has been in town visiting, so he came with. Having two kids in two different schools meant a bit of travel to see both kids’ classes, but the open house was all morning and we ended up spending forty-five minutes at each school.

I was interested to see the five year old’s French Immersion class, and I was impressed that it was truly full immersion. Even still, the kids all managed to behave and learn and follow directions. The teacher repeated herself a lot and did a lot of pointing and demonstrating. It’s only been two months of school, and the five year old can already count to ten in French, do some basic math, and he can introduce himself. He also used random French words at home – things like “sac à dos” (backpack) and “poubelle” (trash can). It kind of takes me back to when I learned French in elementary school. When I was I was growing up in Ontario, in my school district, everyone started learning French in Grade Three.

We then went to the five year old’s class where all the students were really well behaved and quiet. Not that these attributes should be the pinnacle of student behavior, but rather everyone seemed really engaged. The ten year old did say afterwards that people were on really good behaviour and sometimes the teacher has to ask more than once for students to do things.

-This week, I had a supertitle gig for a Vocal Recital. I procrastinated a little on getting the titles done so the morning of the concert, after the open houses, I went to a cafe and worked for several hours. Being able to sit and sip my chai and work seemed so indulgent. The concert itself was lovely. There was an interesting set of songs by Franz Liszt that I was unfamiliar with, but which were dramatic and sweeping and made me wonder what it would have been like if Liszt wrote an opera. And the nicest thing, is on my dinner break, I went to the Roof Terrace of the building and the sky was beautiful and the golden light bathed the Washington Monument in pink light.

-Something that made me think this week: This podcast episode from the Puberty Podcast titled “How To Parent without Judgement”. I listened to this episode at a good time this week – it had come to my attention that that the ten year old feels like I judge her too much. Which is probably true. I have a lot of opinions, and I sometimes have a hard time hiding said opinions, even if it’s just the way my eyes widen and my eye brows go up when I hear or see something. Some musings from this podcast:
– There is a great point about how we need to stop judging ourselves. There is a fine line between being self aware and self-flagellating ourselves.
– Parenting without judging also encompasses judging other people. The hosts point out that when you express opinions on other people’s choices, your child will pick up on that and that will influence how they feel and talk about their own choices.
-There was some great tips and box text for managing moments without judgement. One things they mentioned was not making it about making the child feel bad for their negative behaviour, but rather present it as a bigger picture. For examples, if a child is constantly snacking out of the package, instead of condemning that specific action, you can say, “Hey, I bought the snacks for the whole family to share. Why don’t we pour some in the bowl for you.” Also – they recommend giving kids (and yourself) time before you make suggestions or share thoughts. ie. don’t re-hash the game on the way home from the soccer field. (If at all, to be honest)
– One issue that this episode brought up for me was about positive judgements. Often when we talk about juding someone, we are talking about having negative thoughts about them – but is having positive or complimentary thoughts also considered “judging”?
I’ve saved this episode because I think I will need to often remind myself of the many wise points.
Speaking of which, this made me laugh this week:

from Em&Friends line of parenting support cards.

-The baby was involved in a video shoot at work this week. We are putting up two shows right now, and the show that I’m not working on needed a little kid for some projection videos in the show. The opera Il Trovatore is one of those Italian blockbusters that feature all the opera clichés – love, revenge, war, class divides – and is famous for having a plot point that involves a baby getting thrown in a fire. Oh and also the Anvil Chorus. It’s full throated loud singing and melodrama. Great stuff. Anyhow I guess they needed a baby to throw into the fire, so we were asked if ours would be willing. I said sure! Baby’s first pay check!
From all accounts, she did really well at the video shoot. Took direction, didn’t fuss and was super friendly and cute. I’m sure it had something to do with the gazillion lollipops they gave her. I peeked in at one point and was so proud to see her serious little face paying attention to the director, but I didn’t stay because I didn’t want to distract her. Afterwards, she came and sat in on my rehearsal for a little bit, though I can’t imagine what she thought of it. My show is a lot of loud declarative singing in German. My friend snapped a little picture of the baby in costume of the video shoot:

– I bought more masks this week. As I hovered on the webpage, I was struck with the dilemma of how many masks to buy. It is cheaper to buy more, but will the we still need masks in two months? Three months? I still have to wear a mask at work. The three year old still wears a mask at daycare. Masks are optional for the two kids in elementary school, but the five year old still prefers to wear a mask (“I don’t want to get sick,” he says.) The ten year old prefers to go without. Plus, the masks we found that work best for the kids just started releasing kids masks in fun bold colours…
Spring of 2020 and the start of COVID impacting our lives sometimes seems very distant to me. Yet here I am two and a half year later and buying face masks is just another part of the life maintenance routine. At the beginning, I didn’t know what kind of masks to get and spent so much time sewing masks trying to find the perfect fit. Now I know what masks I like to get for the kids, and from which website. If they had a subscribe and save feature, I’d be all signed up. Funny how we adapt and adjust.

-I managed to bike to work three times. And by the end of the week, I biked all the way up the hill that I had walked up last week. Progress. Going uphill is still hard as f***, though.

-We head into tech at the end of this week. As always, my life goals for tech week:
*eat healthy nourishing food. (Mostly. I mean there is a lot of unhealthy snacking that goes on too, but as long as I’m also eating the healthy stuff, I’m okay with this.)
*Run on my dinner breaks.
*Sleep when I get home late at night instead of scrollling
*Help the Husband fold a basket or two of laundry whenever I can.
Work goals: Stay calm, stay organized, stay on top of things, and be nice.

And as a last note – Angela Lansbury passed away last week. When I was a child we watched Murder She Wrote every Sunday night. And then as I got older, I grew to love her satirical edge in musicals like Sweeney Todd and Anyone Can Whistle. I love this quote from her Washington Post obituary.

The lady knew her priorities lay in her strengths.
Or maybe her strengths lay in her priorities?

What We Ate:
Saturday: I worked, the Husband made something that involved green beans and stir fry, I believe.

Sunday: We had been planning on eating out, but we had gone hiking so the Husband made tortellini, salad and garlic bread.

Monday: Mac and Cheese (from the blue box) and sausages. The Husband cooked because I was working.

Tuesday: Not sure – I was working.

Wednesday: Red Lentil Soup in the Instant Pot. Continuing my attempts to clean out the pantry. Vegan.

Thursday: The Husband cooked – Fried Tofu Sandwiches. This was an interesting recipe because it involved marinating the tofu in pickle juice. We had tofu to use up and the Husband googled “Tofu Recipes” and specifically looked for one that did not involve stir frying or Asian cuisine.

Friday: Pizza (Take out) and The Force Awakens.

I was out walking with my kids the other day. We were running some errands and had some time to kill in a part of the county where I usually don’t spend much time. So I asked my friend google if there were any trails nearby and three options came up within a 10 minute drive of us.

We headed to the first one, and there was no where to park. So we drove on. The second one was apparently a private trail access for residents of that neighborhood only. So we drove on. Thankfully, the third one, had parking and public access. Thankfully, because by then the kids were definitely getting irritated by having been in the car for almost half an hour and mom’s seemingly aimless driving.

The trail meandered through some wooded areas, more or less parallel to a stream and the unfenced backyards of some houses. There were some people loading their bikes onto their car when we arrived, but it was pretty empty otherwise. A sign at the beginning of the trail mentioned that the trail was maintained by a local mountain biking group. I was a little nervous because the dirt path itself was pretty narrow and I would probably have to pitch the kids into the undergrowth not to get run over by bikes if any were to come upon us as we walked.

As it was, the trail was pretty empty. We came across a lady walking a dog and one or two other walkers, but that was it. At one point, we went off the path to what looked like part of an old drainage tunnel into the stream. I sat on a log and nursed the baby, while the two older kids spent some time throwing leaves into the water and watching them float down the stream. The shade and the cool rush of water made it an ideal place to rest during our walk. The weather was pushing the mid 80s, and even the sound of the rushing stream seemed to make things feel less hot.

It having rained the night before, there was definitely mud. The eight year old was wearing her sandals and delighted in the cool squelch of mud between her toes on such a hot day. Of course the three year old wanted to follow suit in his brand new, still-shiny pink sneakers. I tried to be okay with that. Perhaps my initial squeak of disapproval was unsuccessfully smothered as I mentally reminded myself that it was just mud, and the purpose of impromptu hikes is not to stay clean.

On the way back to the car, the eight year old ran on ahead down the path while I paced myself with the three year old’s sturdy little legs. At one point, I looked up and saw the eight year old talking to a man who was working on some of the trees. As we got closer, I saw that he was part of the mountain biking group that maintained that trail. By the time I got to him, however, the eight year old had taken off again, so I nodded hello, and continued on.

“Were you talking to that man?” I asked my daughter, when I caught up to her.

“Yeah,” she replied.

“What was he doing?”

“He was pulling vines off the trees.”

“Oh.”

“But I knew that. I could tell. But you know, ” she continued, “sometimes when you work by yourself, it’s nice when someone comes up and asks you questions. I wanted to be nice to him and be interested in what he was doing.”

Later that day, I was listening to a recent episode of On Being, featuring a conversation between the host Krista Tippett and the renowned primatologist Jane Goodall. Tippett always releases an unedited version of her conversations, alongside the edited version that is heard on the radio, and I usually prefer listening to the unedited version of the conversations. There are so many small details that don’t make it to the edited version – details that are not really substantial to the conversation at hand – a mic check where Tippett asks the guest what they had for breakfast, for instance – but I think they really show the craft and care that go into having a sincere conversation.

There were so many thoughtful and inspiring moments in their conversation, but the one that struck me the most came towards the end. One of Tippett’s standard questions towards the end of a conversation is to ask the guest what they think it means to be human. And Goodall, as part of her answer, said that it was the difference between intellect and intelligence.

“I believe that a trick of this intellect,” she continued, “… was that we developed this way of communicating – of speaking. So I can tell you things that you don’t know. You can tell me things that I don’t know. We can teach children about things that aren’t present. And all that has enabled us to ask questions like ‘Who am I?’, ‘Why am I here?… and I believe, part of being human is a questioning, a curiosity…”

And as I was listening to this, I couldn’t help but to remember what my eight year old said in the woods earlier that day, and how she seemed to understand that asking questions and exchanging information was so fundamental to connecting with other people. I was struck by how her sense of empathy manifested it self in a natural curiosity. And I thought, perhaps it is not just the questioning that makes us human, but also the seeking and sharing.

I know this pandemic has been hard on many of us because all the ways that we usually seek and share have been restricted – especially all the ways we are compelled to seek and share with strangers. One of the challenges I’m finding these days is nurturing that impulse at a time when we are being told to be suspicious and cautious around people who aren’t in our “bubble”. It’s a challenge both as a person and as a parent. My daughter seems to show no such reluctance to seek and share, but I have to balance that beautiful forwardness with the need to behave safely and responsibly.

I remember one day, about three weeks into the quarantine, when I had to go to school to pick up a laptop of the 8 year old. The school employee handing out the laptops was the first stranger I had seen in ages. And interacting with an unfamiliar person sure felt strange. It was as if I had forgotten what it was like to smile, exchange pleasantries and connect with someone new. The deeper we get into staying at home, the more indefinite the terms are, the more I worry that my impulse for connection and curiosity will wither. And I wonder if I have to worry about the same for my children.

Back in June, on and episode of Fresh Air the epidemiologist Michael Osterholm made a comment about how we should stop using the term “social distancing”. “What we should do is physical distancing, but don’t social distance” he says. “If there is ever a time when we all need each other, it is now.”

That thought has stayed with me over the months. Yes, we are quarantining, but we don’t need to isolate ourselves off from anyone, not even strangers. So I try to smile at people, even when wearing a mask. I try to take time to read and exchange tips with internet strangers in different forums. I encourage the kids to speak up and compliment people’s dogs when we meet them on our walks. When we do encounter neighbors, we take time to talk and catch up. On hikes, we maintain distance and wear masks, but we also take time to tell fellow hikers of neat things that we’ve passed on the trail so that they, too, might also be on the look out for frogs in logs and waterfalls. We remind ourselves to connect with others, to ask seek answers, and to share information. This pandemic does not mean we need to go forth alone.

Tag: wise words

Weekly recap + what we ate: Boba weekend and not judging