COVID Quarantine – Life Off Headset

Weekly Recap + what we ate: Five years ago

I had a thought that I should write a list of gentle aspirations for March, but then I realized that I accomplished NONE of my gentle aspirations for February. So if you want to know what’s on my March Goals list, you can just go back and read the February list. It’s all the same stuff. I just never did it last month. I take that back – we did get the kids to write Valentine’s Day cards. And I did make it to one of the 13 year old’s middle school basketball game. (Though that might have actually been this month and not last month.)

So mid March 2020 was when we all retreated from public life. Well, those of us who weren’t considered “essential”. The five year anniversary of the start of the COVID pandemic is making me reflect on those times. I’ve been struggling to put my thoughts into words, but then Daria had a lovely reflective post, prompted by this podcast, and I’m going to use her questions. I guess for my purposes, I think of the thick of the pandemic as being from March 12th 2020, when my show was cancelled up til probably September 2022, when it felt like we were doing opera again, albeit with masks and precautions in place.

Watching for the trash truck! Highlight of the week.

What do you remember most?
I remember being home with my kids a lot, and not being able to go to work. So many people in my industry pivoted and started producing opera/theatre online or in other venues. At the time, I had a six month old, a three year old, and a 8 year old. I couldn’t think beyond just keeping everyone going at home and struggled to figure out how to have structure in our days. Thank goodness for the internet. Other things I remember, off the top of my head:
-sewing masks as part of a church mission
-pumping and donating breastmilk
-lots of cardboard box creations
-struggling with online schooling for the oldest child and not knowing how hard to be on her for constantly surfing the internet when she should be paying attention in class
-Lots of time outdoors. Exploring new parks and trails.
-RBG dying and taking the two girls down to pay respects.
-The Husband being at home for a little bit, setting up a desk and computer wherever he could and then going back to the office the moment they let him. (I don’t blame him on that one.)
-The Husband doing all the grocery shopping so that we could limit contact.
-taking a drawing class online – it was such a great creative and social outlet.
-Borrowing so many books from the library. The library setting up a system to request books for pick up.
-Masks. Wearing masks. I remember the first time I put on a mask. I was in line at Costco and I thought, “Well, here goes. I should probably put this mask on.” It felt like a big step, admitting that there really was something going on.
-Once we started producing opera again, arguing with singers about, “Yes, you do have to wear a mask in rehearsal.”
-The not knowing when things would end. What “end” even meant.
-So much time together as a family.
-Figuring out Zoom. Having a Zoom birthday party for the Husband.
-The vaccine, finally getting vaccinated.
-The youngest participating in a vaccine trial.
-The show we did in May 2022 when people were still getting COVID in large numbers and every performance there would be a list with all the people who were out that night. Even the stage manager got COVID and I had to bump up to call the show and we called every available stage manager we knew to come in and cover my assistant stage manager track, and ended up with a patchwork of stage managers to cover the run. There was one show where no one was available for the whole evening, so we just hired someone to cover my track for the first half of the show. That to me was just bonkers – that we had a sub come in for half a show.

What led up to here?
I remember in February hearing about a virus that was proving deadly and spreading quickly, but it was not yet in our county. And then on March 12th, suddenly being aware of this phrase, “social distancing.” I asked my co-worker, “What does social distancing mean anyway?” And she didn’t know and we went on with our tech session. We were in the theatre at the time, in tech for an opera that I was very excited to work on. It was the day of our first orchestra rehearsal onstage and we were at the theatre that afternoon setting lighting levels. On a break, my co-worker came up to me and said, “Six feet.”
“What?” I asked, having forgotten our earlier conversation.
“Social distancing is six feet apart.”
Okay, I thought, I can do that. And then a couple hours later, my big boss came into the theatre where we all were working on lighting cues and said that the show was being cancelled and we should all go home.
And the next day, we were told that the schools would be closed for two weeks.
And that’s how it all started for us.
And then I made the mistake of going to Costco on March 14th. That trip took two hours and I couldn’t get paper towels or eggs.

Who went through this with you?
My family- the Husband and the three kids. My mother, who had planned to come help out with the new baby for one month and ended up staying with us for five. My mom’s group, via Zoom and masked distanced walks. My friend K, who decided that we needed a weekly socially distanced happy hour. All the teachers and educators who taught kids through zoom. My online art class. The whole world. I think that’s what was amazing about this is that it was world wide. Everyone experienced it differently, but we all experienced it.

Where did you go through this event?
At home. In the kitchen. In the dining room. In the living room. In our backyard. At parks. On hiking trails. At mass vaccination sites. At drive through testing sites. And eventually, back at the theatre.

How did you feel then?
Bewildered and numb – I was just waiting for someone to tell me what to do and I tried not to think about things too much. Angry. I was angry a lot at the people around me for not being easier to live with. Frustrated with the sameness of every day. Grateful. Grateful for the things that did come to us, grateful for the ways that we could isolate and be our own bubble. Grateful that the Husband could still work. Grateful that my mother was with us and toilet trained the middle child. Tired. I had a six month old who had to be nursed to sleep at the time. Worried. For my grandfather who didn’t believe in vaccines. For my father living on his own because my mother was with us. Happy too, though, that we could still have some good times and adventures.

What changed in your world?
Well, I couldn’t go to work anymore and was home all the time with the kids. That was probably the big thing. But also I think there was a re-thinking in my industry about work-life balance. People who were getting burnt out from going from gig to gig to gig without a pause started to take a step back and ask if it was all worth it. There was a mass exodus of mid-career stage managers from the industry.
I think also, we became more aware of the health of people around us – I’ll always remember the quote I heard, “It used to be we coughed to cover up a fart. Now we fart to cover up a cough.” I think we became much more aware of how to stay healthy in large groups of people – masks, hand washing, covering coughs and sneezes, staying home if you’re sick. I mean we should already have been doing this but it became downright uncivilized if one didn’t do it in the wake of the pandemic.

What changed in you?
I always find these questions hard because I feel I lack the self awareness to really answer it. I don’t really think of myself on a pre-ordained path, so I don’t really see it as changing. I kind of see myself as flowing and bending as life goes on and there was a lot of flow and bend in 2020-2022
Here’s one thing – I stopped worrying about the oldest kid’s grades. (I was actually interviewed for a story in the Washington Past about this) I realized that in elementary school I just wanted her to be learning, and I had to stop caring about the A. I’m a little more concerned about her grades now that she is in middle school, I will admit, but the pandemic gave me a good insight into my expectations for elementary school.
I wouldn’t really call this a change, but I also had to shift my mind from being a work out of the house mom to being a stay at home mom. That took a bit of adjustment. But I was also glad for the time with the baby because I had gone back to work when she was just a week old, and I hadn’t really had time with her.

What good came out of this event?
I think we learned that family is important. That as long as we were stuck in this thing together, things would be okay.
One thing work-wise that came out of this was I started to do supertitle work. It was one of the first jobs that was offered me when my company started doing opera again. I hadn’t really thought about doing supertitle work before and it turns out I actually love it.
When I did come back to work, working from home was acceptable. I remember going back to work after having a baby in 2017 and 2019 and asking if I could work, from home on the days I didn’t have to be in rehearsal or at the theatre and it was like pulling teeth. But after the pandemic, it was something that everyone was allowed to do. Well until now.
I started a blog. Yup, this here is a pandemic blog, started in April 2020. And this blog has been a wonderful outlet for all the things in my head, and has also lead to my discovering a great community of people who also share what’s knocking around in their heads.
I started running. When the local Taiwan School opened up for Sunday Mandarin classes again, I enrolled the middle child. The last time we took language classes at the Taiwan School, parents had to sit in the classrooms, but in September 2021, they did not let parents sit in the classrooms anymore. So I had 90 minutes of time to kill while the middle child was in class. I decided to start running. I didn’t really have much of an exercise routine before that, maybe some yoga and a few post-partum fitness classes. But I figured I was approaching my mid 40s and I should start something. I don’t love running, but it’s a pretty low barrier for entry, so I do it. And I usually feel better when I do.

What would you do differently?
I don’t know that I have a good answer to this questions, because I think we all did the best we could with the information we had. I guess one thing is I would try harder to reach out to friends. We had good friends whom we didn’t see for a whole year, and they live two miles away. I think I would have tried harder to reach out even in a distanced way. I loved our little family unit, but I think it’s also important to nurture all relationships, to check in on people, form connections.

How do you feel about the pandemic now?
I think back on 2020-2022 and it feels a little surreal to me that we went through that. That the world got quiet and empty. That there were special early morning shopping hours at the grocery store for the immunocompromised. That people really became innovative about how to do the things that they were used to doing. When I think of historic milestones that I’ve lived through, there’s 9/11 and there’s the COVID pandemic. I also think right now in America also feels a bit like a historic moment as well with the dismantling of the Federal government. All these events have that same sense of bewilderment and confusion and upheaval. March 13th will always be a “Where were you when…” moment for me.
One thing that the current climate is making me realize, though, is just how much kindness and community materialized when we couldn’t gather. There were certainly events of hate and fear during COVID, but there was a reaction to it, a sense that people wanted to set things right. I don’t get that sense right now. Right now I feel as if America is dividing from each other and the rest of the world.
It’s funny, we were trying to explain the pandemic to the two younger kids the other day. They have no memory of those years, but the oldest was 8 at the time and very much remembers it. I asked her to tell her younger siblings about it, and she said, “The pandemic was the most amazing time. We got to stay home all the time and be together and watch lots of tv and screens.” I think that’s a good perspective to remember – even though it was such a stressful and anxious time for me, the 8 year old was actually loving life. I do wonder what will be the legacy of that two and a half years of pandemic life.

Funny Story – This morning as I was driving the kids to piano lessons, we passed the beltway, which at 7:15 in the morning was already bumper to bumper. “Look,” I said, “All those people going to their office.”

“Are they going to print things?” asked the 5 year old.

“No, they’re going to work,” I replied.

“Oh,” she said, a little confused. “And then they will go back to their houses?”

“Well, no. They now they have to work in their office.”

“Oh. That’s silly,” she said.

I think about all the ways the world changed, has changed. I mean the world is always changing, right? But it seems like there have been some big shifts in the past five years. The 5 and 8 year old don’t really know a world where going to the office every day was the norm for most people, even though the Husband does it. They don’t think twice if they are asked to put on a mask when they are cough-y. They submit to nose swabs and shots without a second thought. I feel like these little things are what part of what remain of those years we spent in lockdown, even for people who don’t remember it.

On that note, I’m leaving you with this, which made me laugh out loud and then I sent it to all my friends who are trying to do all the things while pretending everything is fine:

I don’t actually have Instagram, so excuse the weird screen shot, but it’s from Emotional Club’s Instagram feed.

Grateful For:

-Whatsapp calling and friends. I have a friend who moved to Oman because her husband works in the foreign service and was posted there. They’re halfway through their posting and I really miss her. We’ve been texting back and froth frequently, but this week we decided to have a phone call, which we did through Whatsapp. It was amazing! We talked for 90 minutes, catching up on all the things.

-After school park time. Sunshine and warmer weather.

-That I’m okay after a fall. I tripped on my run through the woods and fell face down on a huge smooth slab of rock. I for sure thought that I was going to be a bloody mess, but I wasn’t, luckily. I was a little sore and shaken, but otherwise okay. 24 hours later, my chin is black and blue and looks awful, but at least I didn’t have to get stitches or knock out my teeth or anything.

-On that note – I’m grateful that I started back up with running. I want three times (well, two and a half – I kind of abandoned the third run after that fall) and it wasn’t that painful. Last year I ran all through the winter, even in 20 degree weather, but I didn’t have the will to do it this year. It feels nice to be back at it after a break, though.

-Cake! I made another cake. This one was an Old Fashioned Donut Bundt Cake. It tasted just like a cake donut. If you like cake donuts, make this cake! Sign of the time- I had originally planned to make another cake, but that cake called for six eggs. What with eggs being expensive still, I decided to make this cake that only took four. And even then I asked myself if that was a good use of eggs. It was.

-The 13 year old’s basketball coach. Basketball season is over and I’m really grateful for the coach and referees that made the season possible.

-High School Musicals – We went to the high school production of the musical The Secret Garden this weekend. It was SOOOOOO good! The Secret Garden is my favorite musical and I figured that would either make seeing a high school production either a blissful experience or a grin-and-bear-it experience. Here’s the thing about this musical – The music is gorgeous, so heartbreakingly beautiful. Also it’s not easy and it’s very exposed and the ensembles are tricky. You have to know how to sing to pull it off – none of this sort of speak-sing stuff that you can maybe get away with with some other musicals. The kids in this show had such beautiful voices. And so much spunk and personality onstage. And the production was so well put together – some minor technical difficulties as one would expect at this level, but nothing major. And there were some really lovely directing choices. I think it’s going to be one of my favorite theatre experiences this year.

-The smell of witch hazel blooming in our front yard. That floral spicy smell greeting me as I come home.

-Finding just the right books. I popped by the Library’s used bookstore last week. I had meant to donate a bag of books, only the paper bag split as I was taking it to the car and the I could only find parking in the far parking lot and didn’t want to carry all those books in a split paper bag to the used bookstore. So I’ll deal with that another time. But as long as I was there, I figured I’d do some browsing and I lucked out because I found two books that were on my “want to find” list. One is Nelson Mandela’s memoir that I want to read in anticipation of a trip to South Africa later this year, and the other book is the memoir of Renee Fleming that I wanted to to get for the 13 year old because Fleming is her favorite opera singer. It’s my lucky day! I also picked up two comic strip collections because the kids really love reading those- one Calvin and Hobbes and one for The Boondocks. Does anyone remember the Boondocks? It was this hilariously edgy comic strip from the early 2000s.

Looking Forward To:
-Lenten Reading Group. Last year a friend invited me to a Lenten reading group and even though I’m not what anyone would call religious, I did enjoy doing the readings and thinking about how we can function with grace and kindness towards ourselves and other human beings. The group is meeting again this year, just three times, but I’m looking forward to it. The readings so far have seemed very apt in the times that we live in.

-Voice recital this week for which I’m doing super titles. It’s an eclectic program with lots of contemporary pieces and five or six different languages.

-Reading my library haul. After hitting up the library bookstore, I went to the library to pick up a hold and ended up coming away with a whole new stack of books to read and a cookbook:

What We Ate:
Monday: Swede and Red Lentil Soup. I had a rutabaga that our friend had passed a long to us from his CSA. Hot tip – googling recipes for “swede” (what the British call the Rutabaga) yields much more interesting (to me) recipes than googling “rutabaga”. I really liked this soup. I was the only one, though. Thankfully I made a batch of no-knead bread to go with it so people were still happy with dinner. Vegan. Except some of us put butter on the bread.

Tuesday: Shrimp Tacos from New York Times Cooking. This was a surprisingly fast dinner – it was on the table in about twenty minutes. And with this meal we finished up the 6lb 13oz cabbage.

Wednesday: Salmon with Miso Rice and Ginger Scallion Vinaigrette from New York Times Cooking. First day of Lent, so a meat free dinner. This was really tasty and simple. Everyone liked it. Except one child who screamed that they didn’t like salmon and why didn’t I make catfish. But then proceeded to eat the rice with their hands. I don’t bother to make food that the kids will like because this is the sh*t I have to put up with. If I’m going to get yelled at, I might as well like the food that I’m eating.

Thursday: Sheet Pan Veggie Shawarma that I’ve seen linked on Suzanne’s blog. When I was reading this recipe, it struck me that it was very similar to the delicious Kabocha Squash and Apple Shawarma recipe that I got in my Purple Carrot meal box one time. So I added apples to the original recipe and made a zhoug sauce to go with it all. It was delicious. Except the 5 and 8 year olds who said they didn’t like vegetables so I told them they could make their own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which they did. Good, more Shawarma for me! Vegan.

Friday: Pizza (The Husband made) and Glee.

Saturday: Pasta Salad made from Jenny Rosenstrach’s marinated beans as a base. Then I add tomatoes, cucumbers, pasta, and red onion. Vegan. Only once again some child rebelled and they had pasta with butter and parmesan cheese for dinner.

Sunday: leftovers and Ramen. Sunday is one of those days when I get to six o’clock and realize that, yes indeed the kids do need to eat dinner. At least the younger kids. The 13 year old fends for herself because she has evening swim clinic and needs to eat on the early side. So Sunday was ramen because it’s easy and fast. I added vegetables (the last of some napa cabbage that was in the fridge) and eggs to the ramen, and for my own bowl, I threw in a bunch of kimchi.

I hope you are having a lovely week. We are battling the time change here, but every day is better and there is more sunlight at the end of the day now.
Are you reflecting on the early days of the COVID pandemic now that it’s been 5 years? If you could tell March 2020 you something, what would it be? How would you describe those times to someone who didn’t have to live through it?

Weekly recap + what we ate: Snow! finally!

Snow and clouds and blue sky in between.

We finally had snow! After the mildest of winters, snow arrived. Enough snow and ice that the first two days back from winter break were declared snow days by the school district. The third day was a delayed opening, and it ended up being quite a mess; so many school bus drivers were out due to COVID that ninety bus routes were cancelled that day. Given that COVID numbers were going up, we decided that just to be cautious I would drive the nine year old to and from school instead of having her take the bus. I’m not sure if it really is going to make a difference, but isn’t this whole pandemic layer after layer of risk mitigation and risk assessment? So we figured if the bus was a layer of COVID risk, we could remove that since I could drive her. Hopefully by the time I go back to work in February, the COVID numbers will have gone down.

I’ve been reading Katherine May’s Wintering, and she has a passage about snow days that I love:
“I love the inconvenience [of snow] the same way that I sneakingly love a bad cold: the irresistible disruption to mundane life, forcing you to stop for a while and step outside your normal habits.”

In a way, the snow day seemed like merely an extension of our COVID isolation period – a time outside of the everyday rush and bustle where we were forced to just be in the place we were. The Husband went to work – since his test was negative and he was vaxed and boosted and had no symptoms, he was allowed back to work after five days – leaving me home with all three kids. We couldn’t venture very far afield, and instead found our lives wrapped in a cozy cocoon of winter weather. Even our planned grocery delivery had been cancelled. So we ate down the pantry and the freezer, and the shin deep snow in the backyard was our playground.

Bundling the kids is always a process. It takes me about fifteen to twenty minutes to get the four year old and the baby fully into their snow gear and out the door. (The nine year old gets herself dressed, save for me zipping her up since we have these gloves with extended cuffs that have to be put on before the coat.) Mittens, snow suits, hats, scarves, wool socks, boots, Aquaphor to protect their cheeks … it’s a lot. But at least I know they are warm enough to they will stay out there for a good long while. I do need to put a calendar reminder for next fall to review the snow gear since I think the two older kids will need new snow pants next year, and definitely boots. Luckily there will be hand me downs for the baby.

The second snow day, the nine year old wanted to take a walk down to the trail to see what the snow looked like there. Everything was blanketed white and shimmery ice. The kids played a little too close for my comfort at the edge of the creek, my warning that wet feet would be cold feet going unheeded. It was a beautiful walk, though. The trail was quite empty and the stillness made our crunching footsteps seem louder than normal. I love the squeaky brittle sound of walking in snow.

There was a nice lazy rhythm to these snow days… up and outside by 9:30a. Play in the snow until lunchtime. Then lunch with hot chocolate – I had bought a large pack of hot cocoa bombs from Costco before Christmas. I don’t think I ever got the milk hot enough to melt the chocolate shell and release the hot cocoa mix in a swirling explosion like on the YouTube videos. The bombs kind of just floated in milk and then slowly disintegrated to reveal cocoa powder and marshmallows. Oh well, nothing is ever like on YouTube.

Then indolent afternoons of screentime (nine year old), books (four year old) and naps (baby) while I tried to pick up the kitchen. I was once again reminded how much living happens when people are home all day. The clean up felt constant. It was definitely an unrelenting couple of days.

Wednesday, I took the four year old and the baby sledding while the nine year old was in school. (The current guidelines allow her back in school if she is vaccinated and without symptoms, so I guess she didn’t really have to quarantine.) I love sledding even though we don’t own a sled. I had, in fact, put a calendar reminder for myself to buy a sled last fall. But fall came with it’s sixty degree weather and the need for a sled didn’t seem imminent. Never mind that the point of writing myself a calendar reminder was so that I didn’t wait until the need was indeed imminent. I felt a little sad earlier in the week as I watched other kids whizz down hills in their sleds, and kicked myself for not having bought a sled. Then I went looking around the house for other things to use. I ended up grabbing a cardboard box (what else?) that I wrapped in a garbage bag, and the cement mixing tray that we had been using as a water table. This latter worked surprisingly well, though the cardboard and garbage bag did manage to get the baby down the hill, even if not as slickly. It was really adorable because the four year old insisted on keeping one hand on his sister’s “sled” as they went down the hill in tandem. Once in a while they fell over, going heels over head, but they got up and did it again, pushing and pulling their make-shift sled up the hill.

Thursday, was the first day that both kids were back for a full school day. I took the baby to Seneca Creek State Park in hopes of having a little hike, but she just wanted to play on the playground. I did manage to convince her to walk down to the edge of the lake and we threw branches in the water, a favorite pastime. It was definitely cold – probably mid 30s – but there is something I really love about cold weather and bare trees and the quiet of winter.

Friday we had more snow, and another snow day with classes cancelled. I took the kids sledding again. This time, I also brought along a baby bath tub since the cardboard and garbage bag from last time had disintegrated. The baby bathtub didn’t work great, which was just as well since the baby wanted to go to the playground instead. So, after telling the nine year old to keep an eye on her brother, I took the baby to the playground. She wanted to swing, though before I knew it, she had fallen asleep in the swing!

We ended up meeting up with some friends at the hill, which always make things more fun for the nine year old. And then at one point, I looked up and a snowball fight had broken out among all the neighborhood kids who were at the hill, complete with sled barricades. Of course my first instinct was to tell the nine year old that she shouldn’t be throwing snowballs at other kids, but I bit my tongue and let the classic kids rumble play out.

So in the final tally, the first week back at school was actually one short day and one full day. The four year old was technically released from isolating on Thursday, so he had one day of school before the snow day since the day care follows the public school closures.

On the one hand, three snow days in one week is a lot, but on the other hand, I was kind of glad that I had a bit of relief from the anxiety of sending my kids back to the COVID germ pool that is school.

Fun food discovery:
I’ve started making a Dutch Baby for breakfast on those days when the kids want pancakes but I have no patience for all the assembling and mixing and making. The Dutch baby batter comes together quickly in the blender and then cooks up super fast, all in one skillet. Bring the skillet to the table and everyone have at it. So much quicker than pancakes.

What We Ate:

Monday: Green bean and tofu stir fry.

Tuesday: Black Bean tacos. Basically a can of black beans, warmed up with half cup salsa. Eaten on tortillas.

Wednesday: Lentil Quinoa bowls with Roasted Broccoli.

Thursday: Cod cakes (from Dinner Illustrated) with roast asparagus and potatoes.

Friday: pizza (the husband made) and The Muppet Movie. It was the baby’s turn to choose so we each picked a movie from our DVD collection, lined them up in a row and let her pick one. I have to admit, while I find The Muppet Movie hilarious, I have yet to stay awake for the whole thing. Funny story – the Husband used to watch this movie with the nine year old, and everytime the movie got to that bit in the middle where the projector “broke”, he would turn it off and say, “Oh no! I guess that’s the end of the movie.” It took her a while to figure out that there was a whole other rest of the movie that she hadn’t seen yet.

Weekly recap + what we ate: Christmas and COVID

The post-present carnage. Can you find the children?

Welp. The week was a blur of last minute Christmas errands and regular life routines. Then Wednesday night, the baby was super fussy, and just wanted to cuddle. And then she threw up on me.

The next day, Thursday, was the first day of winter break for the two bigger kids. I took the baby to the pediatrician in the afternoon. She was back to her regular sunny self, no fever or other symptoms, but these days you can’t take even minor symptoms for granted. The pediatrician declared the baby to not have anything bacterial and then ordered a rapid and a PCR COVID test. Then pins and needles until about an hour or so later when the pediatrician called to let us know that the rapid test was positive.

Again.

It being two days before Christmas, testing sites were all booked up. I think a lot of people were wanting to get tested in anticipation of holiday gathering and travel. The soonest appointments we could get for the rest of the family was for Sunday afternoon. Fortunately we had not planned on going anywhere. We had to cancel some playdates and the one day of winter break camp for the nine year old – luckily they gave us a credit.

So now ten days of isolating at home. At least, depending on the results from the rest of us.

Despite everything it was still a lovely Christmas. We were all together and the weather was beautiful – sixty degrees and sunny. We opened presents, did lots of baking, video chatted with family… all things that were on the agenda anyway.

Some fun things from this past week, including some pre-COVID test adventures:

-A lovely day downtown. We went downtown to see the trains at the Botanical Gardens and then went to the TubaChristmas concert – both things that were seasonal traditions for us, and which this year were outdoors. The theme for the Botanical Gardens train display this year was agriculture around the world. I always love this particular train display because all the structures and buildings are built from plant materials. It’s always great fun to not only look at the intricate detailed displays, but also to try to figure out what plants they are made from. My favorite this year was the Florida orange grove.

Since we had a bit of extra time, we also walked over to see the Capitol Christmas Tree. It’s always a little humbling to see the Capitol building and think of all the work that happens there. This time, though, there was also something a little sobering to see the protective fencing that has been put up around the building. January 6th was almost a year ago, and it seems like such a strange and horrific day that feels close and distant at the same time.

Sign of the times.

The Husband and I have gone to TubaChristmas almost every year since we started dating. It had been cancelled last year, so we were really excited to see that it would be held outdoors this year. There was an open tent, though we stood outside on the plaza out of an abundance of caution. There were only 200 tubas, sousaphones, and euphoniums this year – usually there are over three hundred. But even still, they made a beautiful noise and I loved hearing them play holiday favorites.

-Awesome shopping experience: We decided that we wanted to add some games to our collection for Christmas. My friend had long sung the praises of a local store, Labyrinth Games & Puzzles, so I checked out their website. Turns out they have a service where they will recommend games for you. I filled out a form giving details about whom I was shopping for – ages, types of games we enjoy, price range, etc. Two days later, they sent me a list of four games they thought would suit us. I read the descriptions, chose two, and went to pick them up less than 24 hours later. As much as I enjoy (a little too much) the process of picking out a perfect present with slow thoughtfulness, there is something so beautifully easy about having someone knowledgeable just send me a bunch of options and then clicking “buy”. The concierge service felt almost decadent. Is this what people who have people do? I will definitely do this again, and seek out shops that have this kind of service. I think our local independent bookshop will do this too.

-Celebrating our anniversary. I didn’t really plan anything special, and what with Mandarin class for the four year old and doing the swim practice run for the nine year old, was gone from the house most of the day. But after I got home from the swim clinic run, I whipped up a batch of Smitten Kitchen’s chocolate pudding. I love this recipe because it is so fast and easy and I almost always have the ingredients on hand. There are definitely other recipes that are a little more lush, but none that beat this recipe for it’s high ratio of ease to deliciousness. I got home at 8pm, had the pudding chilling in the fridge twenty minutes later and by the time we were on our second episode of Succession that night, we were enjoying chocolate pudding. Not a fancy anniversary celebration, but sweet and simple. Which seemed appropriate.

-continued mild weather and beautiful morning sunlight at the creek as the baby throws sticks in the water just to watch them drift downstream:

And Christmas memories from 2021:

-Staying up late the night before to make cinnamon rolls and watch the NORAD Santa Tracker.

-This is the first year that I had the nine year old buy presents for her siblings and for the Husband. Seeing what she picked out and how she thought through the process was really fun.

-The baby raiding everyone’s stocking for chocolate. I had to pull the last four chocolate peanut butter cups and put them on a high high shelf.

-matching pjs for Christmas:

-making cookies. We made gingerbread, shortbread and peppermint candy cane cookies this year. The candy cane ones are fun and the kids had fun helping to roll the different colour stripes.

-Jello-O a traditional holiday side dish for us. The nine year old made it this year from a recipe that we thought was Aunt Sara’s, but turns out it wasn’t. Apparently hers is entirely cream cheese and Jell-O powder, without the just Jell-O layer.

-My first attempt at Cornish Game Hen. Which did not go well. They were not cooked all the way through initially so I had to put them back in the oven for twenty minutes. Which was just enough time to learn how to play one of our new games, one which has already become a family favorite. It is simple enough that the four year old can play it with a little bit of help, but also the nine year old can play without getting bored. And it’s short. So you can play it while waiting for dinner to finish cooking…

-Beautiful, incredible sixty degree weather on Christmas day. I will be always grateful for our backyard, but doubly so when we have to isolate. After we opened presents, we went outside and hung out in the backyard for a few hours – the kids with they new toys and the Husband and I with our new books. And the concertina – I’m still attempting to learn to play, and so far I can play a C major scale and a G major scale.

-Then we watched It’s a Wonderful Life, as per tradition.

There were definitely things we didn’t get done this year – we made cookies, but didn’t decorate them, we didn’t get to church or see friends, I didn’t make rolls for Christmas dinner because the dough didn’t rise in time, we didn’t read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas on Christmas eve (my favorite tradition). But it was still a lovely day – organic and unrushed – and we were all together, so I guess we did achieve the most important thing, even with a positive COVID test.

What We Ate:

Saturday: Dumplings, quick cucumber salad, and ginger-scallion noodles

Sunday: leftovers

Monday: Tofu Pad Thai from ATK Vegan for Everyone

Tuesday: Brussel Sprout Fried Rice from Meena Sodha’s East

Wednesday: Mushroom and Leek Tart. I meant to make a galette, but didn’t get around to making the pastry crust, so I used some puff pastry I had in the freezer, and it turned out beautifully. Will remember for next time: puff pastry + sauteed veggies = easy tasty dinner.

Thursday: Pizza and Polar Express. Movie night early this week because we had anticipated going to church on Christmas eve. Wump wump.

Friday: Roast teriyaki salmon and napa cabbage salad.

Saturday: (Christmas Dinner!) Cornish Game Hen roasted w/ potatoes and leeks, roasted zucchini, jello. Sticky Toffee Pudding for dessert. and all the cookies.

Weekly Recap + what we ate – Christmas Week

Ready for Christmas. Incidentally – note how all the ornaments have migrated to the top half of the tree.

It’s the week leading up to Christmas, swinging by Winter Solstice on the way. Someone on a message board I read wrote: “There is more light in the days ahead!” And it feels particularly apt this year.

My brother, a physician in a hospital, received his first vaccine dose this week. I’m so immensely relieved, grateful, excited, and happy. It feels a little unreal that a vaccine could bring us all out of this everything-from-home life that we’ve been leading since March.

“I imagine we are all going to emerge, blinking, as if coming out of a cave,” a friend of mine said the other day. Plato’s allegorical cave come to life.

Life back to normal still seems a long way off, though. Particularly since our state has just reinstated some restrictions such as the ban on indoor dining and stricter regulations on in person gathering. The school district has pushed back in person learning to February at the earliest.

Meanwhile life goes on. This weekend we did a big room shuffle, moving the two older kids to the bigger bedroom where the baby had been sleeping, and moving the baby to the former toy room and the toy room to the room the two older kids had been sleeping in. Eventually the Husband will move his office to share with the baby. It was certainly a lot of work, but I took the opportunity to shuffle and sort some toys, pack away some too-small clothes, and re-assess what room needs really need to be. We are slowing progressing towards the idea of bunk beds for the two older kids. I feel like room sharing is somewhat passe as an idea, particularly among children of opposite genders. But I really like the idea of the kids learning to co-exist before they get their own rooms. Perhaps, though, this will backfire and room sharing will make them crave their solitude rather than value communal living….

Some fun projects from this week:

The sourdough starter is alive and bubbling. I haven’t made break yet, but I did make English muffins the other day. They were a little dense and didn’t have the nooks and crannies that I wanted, but they had an appealing sourdough tang to the flavour. The kids almost ate the whole batch before dinner. Also – I was surprised and pleased how much they ended up looking like commercial English muffins.

Handprint Christmas tree – The Husband has Handprint Christmas trees lovingly preserved from his childhood – construction paper craft projects he and his sister made in elementary school. He brings those out at Christmas time and hangs them on our walls. This year, I did a version using the kids hands, along with my hands and the Husband’s hand I would love to say we all sat down one evening with hot cocoa and crafted. But that would be a lie. It was more like, I grabbed hands as I could over the course of the day and then used painter’s tape to tape the to the wall. The result makes me smile nonetheless.

John McLane Christmas ornament. I saw this online and had to make it for the Husband. Incidentally we watched Die Hard this week too. Also – the Husband says Little Women is not a Christmas movie. I’m a little outraged by this.

There were more Cardboard projects this week thanks to the new oven. When they delivered it, I said, “Can you leave the box?” and they said yes. And they also had a refrigerator box that they left us as well. There are parts of the house that look like a cardboard city. It is getting a little ridiculous. At any rate:

Another Cardboard Fort for secret sibling meetings.

Well, the presents are wrapped, the cookies decorated. For the record this year – I made the Gingerbread recipe from King Arthur’s flower with the spice combination from Tartine. I like the texture of the results, but it is still not spcy enough for me.) The cut out cookies were also from King Arthur Flour. I liked the texture of this last one, but prefer the taste of the one from Cooks Illustrated that we made last year. Frosting from Cooks Illustrated with orange juice instead of milk.

The kids got baths and matching Star Wars Pajamas and we watched It’s a Wonderful Life. We read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas and cookies and milk have been put out for Santa and carrots for the reindeer. I’m sitting up waiting for the first rise of the dough for cinnamon rolls. I bake them every Christmas- a tender, not to decadent recipe from The Irish Pantry cookbook. It involves boiling and mashing a potato. I always seem to leave it til the last minute and then am up til all hours making them. At least this way, I can stay up for a peek at Santa.

What we ate:

Saturday: Was our 11th anniversary and we got take out from a Malaysian Restaurant that is one of our favorites. They gave us a free dessert. We also watched Elf.

Sunday: Breakfast for dinner – pancakes and veggie egg scramble. I love how we can make six pancakes at a time on our griddle – makes it so much faster to whip up pancakes!

Monday: Hoppin’ John with Collard greens form Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everyhing Fast. There was a mix up with our produce box this week and we were sent an abundance of collard greens and Brussels sprouts, neither of which are family favorites. But the Husband said this was not as bad as he thought it would be.

Tuesday: Broiled Salmon and Asparagus with Zucchini pancakes. This last was from the Moosewood Cookbook; I was hoping they would be like fritters, but they were more like omlettes with egg. The Salmon and Asparagus was from the Bittman Book, though it’s hardly something you need a recipe for: salt pepper, olive oil. Broil for 10-15 mins.

Wednesday: Charred Tomato and Broccoli Tabbouleh. Also from How to Cook Everything Fast. I thought this was really tasty. So I see a trend this week… I borrowed the Bittman cookbook from the library because I wanted to incorporate more efficient yet healthy meals to our dinner rotation. While I love a good project meal, most days I just want nutritious, fast, and edible. Tasty would be a plus, too. So far, I’m finding a lot of really good ideas and reminders in this cookbook. It’s a little heavy on the meat recipes, so it’s not a “cook your way through” type of book, but I’m finding that most of the recipes fulfil the nutritious, fast, and edible requirements and are tasty too.

Thursday: I had planned Toful Banh Mi bowls, but really we had the Husband’s specialty snack sausage balls with cookies. Also some cut up carrots, pepper and cucumbers. And we ate this while watching It’s a Wonderful Life.

Mementos

Thirteen months ago, when I went to the hospital to deliver the baby, among the myriad of bracelets they put on my wrist was a bright red one that said “ALLERGY”. I have a slight latex allergy; it causes my skin to get all blotchy and irritated. The red bracelet encircled my left wrist, nestled between the plastic ID bracelet with my name and my doctor’s name, and the ducky bracelet with a barcode which corresponded to an identical ducky bracelet around the baby’s tiny ankle.

During our stay in the hospital, Every time someone came to take the baby away for a weight check she would be scanned like a library book an entered into a tracking system. When she was brought back, she would be scanned, her bracelet cross checked with my bracelet and then when everything proved to match, I would sign for her. It was reassuring because I’m never at all sure I could pick my baby out of a line up. With their squishy, squinty face, and perpetually damp hair, there is something very generic looking to me about newborns. Truth be told, I feel this way probably for at least the first six months of a baby’s life.

After we left the hospital with our nameless baby, the Husband and I had a pact: the hospital bracelets would stay on until we name the baby. That took three weeks. I seem to recall that the name bracelet and ducky bracelet fell off on their own before I made the trip to Vital Records to make the baby’s name official.

The allergy bracelet, however, stayed as secure as the day they put it on me. I suppose durability is a desirable trait of a temporary allergy bracelet.

So I just… left it on.

And then somehow it morphed from something I neglected to remove into something that I was holding on to.

Every so often, someone would catch sight of the bracelet and ask, “Oh, were you in the hospital recently?”

And I would somewhat sheepishly admit, “Actually it’s leftover from when my child was born.”

I couldn’t exactly articulate why I had formed such an attachment to my allergy bracelet. I just knew that I found something comforting in its constant presence on my left wrist. Even after the red had all rubbed off and the black letters had started to fade, I would look at it and remember that quiet calm morning when my daughter was born, and the friendly doctors and nurses who welcomed her into this world.

In the 2000 movie Momento, Guy Pearce plays an insurance inspector who is unable to store short term memories and thus has to leave himself clues to figure out how to solve the central mystery of the plot. Likewise, some days I look up and I wonder how I got here – frazzled, tired, with a barnacle baby attached to me, drowning in the chaos. I look down and in this faded red plastic band around my wrist, I am reminded: “You thought it would be fun to have another kid, remember?”

Right. That happened.

At some point keeping the bracelet on became a challenge I set for myself: see how long you can cling to this last physical vestige of your last birth experience. And eventually that too slipped away and the challenge just became: see how long this one thing can remain constant in your life. Some days I would look at it with a detached, almost scientific, curiosity, as if it were another species whose lifespan I was studying.

“Does it show signs of letting go?” I would wonder to myself.

I often feel that inertia is a trait that I too easily embody, and perhaps in truth the allergy bracelet stayed on because I just didn’t bother to take it off. I had thought about taking it off for family photos, perhaps feeling a little self conscious about it, the same way I felt self conscious about taking family photos with my outgrown pandemic hair and crooked bangs I had trimmed myself. But then I realized that, actually aren’t these family photos supposed to capture the moment we are in? They are not meant to be timeless embodiments of an ideal. Let’s not try to erase or cover up the vestiges of the year we’ve lived. So I left the bracelet on.

Last week, one year and 28 days after the baby was born, I woke up and found my wrist bare, the allergy bracelet lying next to me on the bed. The plastic had finally cracked and torn. I had a brief moment of panic when I woke and it was missing, as if it were an heirloom bangle. The memories and travels that the allergy bracelet had seen in the past year are certainly priceless in its own way.

My wrist feels a little bare now. But not in a bad way. Kind of in a reborn kind of way. I’ve moved past the baby phase and am now into the toddler phase.

For now, I will tuck it in the Ziploc bag alongside the hospital bracelets of the three children, evidence of a time when they were new.

Life Right Now

Life right now is…

A cycle of “when was the last time you ate/peed/had a diaper change?” and “When was the last time I ate/peed/changed a diaper?”

Is a toddling baby who makes joyful squawks, each outburst asking a question that I don’t know how to answer.

A climbing baby, persistent in her efforts to scale kitchen chairs, requiring vigilance on my part.

Distance learning and all its difficulties and distractions.

Virtual playdates. A balm, but not a solution for loneliness.

An endless to do list, yet days that seem to have no direction.

A preschooler who makes me question the accuracy of that term for a little guy who won’t forseeably be in preschool.

Wondering what the fine line is between “free play” and “neglect”.

A broken oven, necessitating baking only treats that can fit in a 9×9 pan in the toaster oven. Brownies (from Ghiradelli mix, bought in bulk from Coscto), lemon bars, granola bars. Some loafs fit too.

The perfect combination of sunshine, cool weather, and bracing breeze.

Reveling in the cooler weather and my morning cup of tea.

Having to constantly run the tea kettle because morning mayhem means the cuppa has cooled every time I get around to taking a sip.

Reaching for a pen to endorse a check and only being able to find crayons. Broken crayons at that.

Soup season. Cozy, warm, and filling. Also a good excuse to eat crusty bread.

Sewing masks for a church project.

Pumping milk. Not for the baby, who has refused a bottle since she was four months old, but rather for the milk bank to give to babies in the NICU.

Reading books beautiful, sad, fluffy, comforting, uncomfortable, uplifting.

Binge watching tv- also beautiful, sad, fluffy, comforting, uncomfortable, uplifting. This show manages to be all of those.

Wandering around to the side yard and finding a perfect rose blooming, having forgotten that we even had roses planted there.

Soft, round, cool, kissable baby cheeks.

Soft, round, cool, kissable three year old cheeks.

Soft, round, cool, almost at my eye level eight year old cheeks.

Devastating news, and needing to have room in my heart to grieve, honor, rage, and resolve.

Trying to find patience and empathy.
Often failing.

Trying to banish FOMO and jealousy.
Often failing.

Loving the chaos, if not the mess, of quarantining life with three small children.

Hoping to remember what is important.

Seeking and Sharing

I was out walking with my kids the other day. We were running some errands and had some time to kill in a part of the county where I usually don’t spend much time. So I asked my friend google if there were any trails nearby and three options came up within a 10 minute drive of us.

We headed to the first one, and there was no where to park. So we drove on. The second one was apparently a private trail access for residents of that neighborhood only. So we drove on. Thankfully, the third one, had parking and public access. Thankfully, because by then the kids were definitely getting irritated by having been in the car for almost half an hour and mom’s seemingly aimless driving.

The trail meandered through some wooded areas, more or less parallel to a stream and the unfenced backyards of some houses. There were some people loading their bikes onto their car when we arrived, but it was pretty empty otherwise. A sign at the beginning of the trail mentioned that the trail was maintained by a local mountain biking group. I was a little nervous because the dirt path itself was pretty narrow and I would probably have to pitch the kids into the undergrowth not to get run over by bikes if any were to come upon us as we walked.

As it was, the trail was pretty empty. We came across a lady walking a dog and one or two other walkers, but that was it. At one point, we went off the path to what looked like part of an old drainage tunnel into the stream. I sat on a log and nursed the baby, while the two older kids spent some time throwing leaves into the water and watching them float down the stream. The shade and the cool rush of water made it an ideal place to rest during our walk. The weather was pushing the mid 80s, and even the sound of the rushing stream seemed to make things feel less hot.

It having rained the night before, there was definitely mud. The eight year old was wearing her sandals and delighted in the cool squelch of mud between her toes on such a hot day. Of course the three year old wanted to follow suit in his brand new, still-shiny pink sneakers. I tried to be okay with that. Perhaps my initial squeak of disapproval was unsuccessfully smothered as I mentally reminded myself that it was just mud, and the purpose of impromptu hikes is not to stay clean.

On the way back to the car, the eight year old ran on ahead down the path while I paced myself with the three year old’s sturdy little legs. At one point, I looked up and saw the eight year old talking to a man who was working on some of the trees. As we got closer, I saw that he was part of the mountain biking group that maintained that trail. By the time I got to him, however, the eight year old had taken off again, so I nodded hello, and continued on.

“Were you talking to that man?” I asked my daughter, when I caught up to her.

“Yeah,” she replied.

“What was he doing?”

“He was pulling vines off the trees.”

“Oh.”

“But I knew that. I could tell. But you know, ” she continued, “sometimes when you work by yourself, it’s nice when someone comes up and asks you questions. I wanted to be nice to him and be interested in what he was doing.”

Later that day, I was listening to a recent episode of On Being, featuring a conversation between the host Krista Tippett and the renowned primatologist Jane Goodall. Tippett always releases an unedited version of her conversations, alongside the edited version that is heard on the radio, and I usually prefer listening to the unedited version of the conversations. There are so many small details that don’t make it to the edited version – details that are not really substantial to the conversation at hand – a mic check where Tippett asks the guest what they had for breakfast, for instance – but I think they really show the craft and care that go into having a sincere conversation.

There were so many thoughtful and inspiring moments in their conversation, but the one that struck me the most came towards the end. One of Tippett’s standard questions towards the end of a conversation is to ask the guest what they think it means to be human. And Goodall, as part of her answer, said that it was the difference between intellect and intelligence.

“I believe that a trick of this intellect,” she continued, “… was that we developed this way of communicating – of speaking. So I can tell you things that you don’t know. You can tell me things that I don’t know. We can teach children about things that aren’t present. And all that has enabled us to ask questions like ‘Who am I?’, ‘Why am I here?… and I believe, part of being human is a questioning, a curiosity…”

And as I was listening to this, I couldn’t help but to remember what my eight year old said in the woods earlier that day, and how she seemed to understand that asking questions and exchanging information was so fundamental to connecting with other people. I was struck by how her sense of empathy manifested it self in a natural curiosity. And I thought, perhaps it is not just the questioning that makes us human, but also the seeking and sharing.

I know this pandemic has been hard on many of us because all the ways that we usually seek and share have been restricted – especially all the ways we are compelled to seek and share with strangers. One of the challenges I’m finding these days is nurturing that impulse at a time when we are being told to be suspicious and cautious around people who aren’t in our “bubble”. It’s a challenge both as a person and as a parent. My daughter seems to show no such reluctance to seek and share, but I have to balance that beautiful forwardness with the need to behave safely and responsibly.

I remember one day, about three weeks into the quarantine, when I had to go to school to pick up a laptop of the 8 year old. The school employee handing out the laptops was the first stranger I had seen in ages. And interacting with an unfamiliar person sure felt strange. It was as if I had forgotten what it was like to smile, exchange pleasantries and connect with someone new. The deeper we get into staying at home, the more indefinite the terms are, the more I worry that my impulse for connection and curiosity will wither. And I wonder if I have to worry about the same for my children.

Back in June, on and episode of Fresh Air the epidemiologist Michael Osterholm made a comment about how we should stop using the term “social distancing”. “What we should do is physical distancing, but don’t social distance” he says. “If there is ever a time when we all need each other, it is now.”

That thought has stayed with me over the months. Yes, we are quarantining, but we don’t need to isolate ourselves off from anyone, not even strangers. So I try to smile at people, even when wearing a mask. I try to take time to read and exchange tips with internet strangers in different forums. I encourage the kids to speak up and compliment people’s dogs when we meet them on our walks. When we do encounter neighbors, we take time to talk and catch up. On hikes, we maintain distance and wear masks, but we also take time to tell fellow hikers of neat things that we’ve passed on the trail so that they, too, might also be on the look out for frogs in logs and waterfalls. We remind ourselves to connect with others, to ask seek answers, and to share information. This pandemic does not mean we need to go forth alone.

Friday Recap + what we ate

The baby started walking in earnest this week. Which was quite a bit of surprise for us since the other kids didn’t walk until they were 14 months old.

Even more delightful was when she realized that one of the perks of being biped was that she could move around the house… while. eating. food!!!!!!

You could see the light of discovery in her face as she toddled around the kitchen clutching her half eaten plum.

The Husband says, “We now have a toddler.” My poor heart says, “No! not yet!”

Yesterday morning, I came down to the kitchen to find a Jackson Pollack-esque trail of milk swirling from the kitchen into the dining room, culminating in a puddle of milk on a very special stool that had belonged to my father in law in college. I had to admire the artistic swoops and dots, even as I banned the three year old from walking and drinking at the same time. We have long used the Thermos Funtainers with straws as a spill proof option for milk and water, but I guess spill proof doesn’t account for when your three year old turns it upside down while open.

Tuesday night we played Parcheesi. Well, the Husband, eight year old and I played. The three year old threw dice randomly and moved pieces. We pretended to him that he was playing, but he was having his own little game. I’m on the hunt for games that we all can play. He is borderline able to play Uno. He can play the right cards, he just has not concept of winning or the object of the game.

This was a rainy week, so we didn’t have an adventure, or indeed as many long walks as we normally did. Also, I had finally recognized that the eight year old needed some interaction and enrolled her in a theater class. Next week, I’ve scheduled her for a drawing class. I had resisted at first because I wasn’t sure what she would get out of it other than more time on a screen, but then I realized that it gave me more undivided time with the three year old (while the baby napped), so I guess that’s good thing.

We also just tie-dye some shirts. And a pillow case. And an old onesie. Basically anything I could find in the house that was 100 percent cotton and white. I had ordered some white shirts on Amazon for the project but most of them fit exactly no one in the family, hence the scrounging for things to dye. I think it will be a lesson in patience to wait until tomorrow to see the results. It was my first experience with tie dying and it was about as messy as I thought it would be.

Right now, the eight year old is folding laundry as she watches Turandot streaming on the Metropolitan Opera’s website. Earlier this week, I set up a Zoom play date for her and when we were trying to pick a day, I wrote to the other parent, “She needs to check the opera schedule first. I can’t believe I just wrote that.” I’m so grateful that the Met has made these operas available. It is a good incentive for getting my kid to do chores.

What we ate this week:

Saturday: Kielbasa (from the Kielbasa Factory – amazing place) and coleslaw. Super easy dinner – pretty much toss kielbasa on griddle, mix dressing and toss with chopped cabbage. It took less than half and hour to get to the table. I think I want to dub Saturdays “Simple Saturdays” and strive for these low maintenance type meals.

Sunday: The Husband called and audible and we had Five Guys Burgers and Fries for dinner. I think one of the foods that I miss the most is french fries.

Monday: Zucchini Boats. I baked them a little longer than stated so that they were soft enough for the baby to eat.

Tuesday: Tofu Banh Mi from Dinner Illustrated

Wednesday: BLTs, made with bacon from the Kielbasa Factory

Thursday: Falafel Hash (a recipe from the Purple Carrot, a vegan meal kit, in its Mark Bittman days), and Greek Salad. Eaten in wraps.

Friday: will be pizza, as always, though I’ve also had the prospect of a meatball sub waved in front of me….

July so far

Someone went through our neighborhood and put flags in everyone’s yard for the Fourth of July. It made me really happy.

So we are two thirds of the way through July. About half way done summer vacation. We celebrated yet another national holiday with just ourselves. The playgrounds have opened up again. Armed with hand sanitizers and masks, I’ve been taking the kids and they are so happy to climb and slide and swing again. Schools have just announced that learning will be online for this first semester. The three year old’s childcare facility re-opened at the beginning of the month, but we chose not to re-enroll him. With no prospect of work for me until next year at the (unlikely) earliest, it just didn’t make financial sense to send him. I’m trying to figure out what that means in terms of socialization and development for him.

I thought I would be more organized about the summer. But it’s been pretty aimless. Here’s the daily routine:

5:00a -ish – Baby wakes and nurses. I stay in bed, drift in and out of sleep. the Husband tried a couple times to get her in the morning and feed her solids, but she’s not into that first thing, I guess.

6a/6:30a – kids awake. The Husband usually takes care of the first round of breakfast and diaper. I usually am up by 6:30a.

7:00a – The Husband ambles downstairs for work. I do second round of breakfast if the kids want. Sometimes I get some journalling or an exercise video in.

8:30/9:00a – I take all three kids out for a walk, or adventure. It’s so hot these days that I try to get us out early. Also this is when the baby takes her first nap.

11:00/12n – home and lunch. Also nurse baby. The Husband comes up from work and does lunch with the kids. Whenever possible I have the 8 year old make her own lunch.

1:00/ 1:30p – begins the epic nap attempt with 3 year old. I’m very much on the fence about this because we are only successful at getting him to nap one or two days a week. So maybe I should give up trying? He is in such a better mood when he does nap, but the whole process takes so much time and struggle. The 8 year old helps with nap time – probably because it involves watching stories on the iPad. So really 1:30 – 3:30p is kind of a free for all – the 8 year old has a to do list that she kind of does, and I try to clean up the kitchen or do something productive. However, a lot of my mental energy is going into seeing if the 3 year old is napping. What is the baby doing? Not quite sure. I’m sure it’s some kind of crawling around and nursing. Really, in the afternoon she’s kind of demoted to appendage status.

3:30p – Husband off work. Sometimes we have happy hour (should do that more often).

4:30p – I start dinner, with the goal to sit down and eat by 6pm with kitchen clean up right after.

7:30/8:00p – Bedtime for 3 year old. The Husband handles bedtime for the baby and the 8 year old.

9:00p – kids in bed. TV/ hobby/ reading time.

way way too late (usually sometime between 1:30a and 2a) – bed time. I try to pump before bed too.

Things that have been working:

Thursday adventures: I’ve been trying to plan an adventure on Thursdays because that’s when I realize that I start to lose my shit. The weekend is in sight, but still so far away and we’ve already spent three days mostly at home doing the same old stuff.

3:15pm pick up time: It is so hard to keep the house tidy throughout the day. So I’ve set an alarm and at 3:15p, we stop what we are doing and pick up the living room.

The Husband taking on lunch time: Gives me a small break and I can cross one or two things off my to do list. Usually computer related. It’s a little difficult to do computer work with the three year old around because he likes to sneak up on me and swipe my screen.

Early dinner: I like having dinner on the table by 6pm. If we eat much later than that, the evening feels rushed.

Some things on my mind:

The FUTURE: So much uncertainty. Unemployment benefits are finite. I’m starting to question my life choices. Also – online school until the end of January. Trying to wrap my mind around that one.

How to be a better stage manager when not stage managing: I’ve never really been very meta about what I do, but I’ve begun to really think about the hard and soft skills involved in my profession. Probably related to the above mentioned questioning of life choices.

Sleep: mostly the baby’s. I can only seem to get her to nap in the stroller or while nursing. I’m savouring the baby snuggles, but I’m worried about creating bad habits.

Screen Time: There are so many amazing things online these days, that I’m having a hard time figuring out what is worth my time. Also likewise for the eight year old.

What to do with the kids all day???? I get them outside in the morning. I keep them fed. I make sure they wash their hands. That’s about it consistently. I feel like I need to set the bar a little higher.

We’ve been spending many hours along this trail and parkway.

Time is all there is

The garden at the Farm Park – I once asked as landscape architect what was the best backyard toy for kids and she said “Loose bits of wood.”

Most mornings, I try to take the kids outside. On a good day, we get out of the house by 9:30a. Sometimes it takes longer, and I find myself getting impatient, anxious that we are wasting time, that we will miss something.

Today we were out the door by 9:15am. And I was really pleased. But then, I thought, what is the rush? I mean, for sure, if we put off the morning walk too long, we get into the uncomfortably hot part of the day. But the difference between being out the door at 9:15am and 10:15am? Not a big deal. The goal these days is all about engaging and occupying the children. The time has to be filled somehow. If it is filled by leisurely jam smeared breakfast and shoe battles rather than fresh air and sunshine, is that worth consternation these days when time is plentiful because commitments are few?

Of course the children would love to have more time to splash in the creek. And if we get to the basketball courts too late, there will already be people using the hoop on the shady side. But there is always tomorrow to shoot hoops in the shade and send leaf boats down the river.

So maybe this is our version of the journey being as important as the destination. Yesterday I took the children to the local Farm Park, about a thirty minute drive away. We’ve been there once before, but I had always thought it too far away to go regularly. It’s kind of like, when I was in college and home was a five hour plane ride. My personal calculation was that it wasn’t worth the plane ride unless I got to spend one day with my parents for every hour on the plane. Well, the Farm Park was like that in my head – would the adventure be worth the drive?

But yesterday I realized: the adventure starts at home – with talk about going, and packing our picnic lunch, and making sure everyone has hats and sunscreen. And the adventure continues with the car ride – listening to Hansel and Gretel (because it was the only CD in the car), and then getting a little lost because Google maps does not give you enough lead time on this one particular exit. And the adventure continues at home with emptying the backpack and throwing away the string cheese wrappers.

I don’t want to be frivolous with my time, but these days, I’m finding I’m looking at time differently. There is, of course, the way too much time I spend scrolling the phone – and that is draining, and I do need to work on being more mindful of that. But there are things that I used to impatiently regard as time wasters – the dawdling children, the u-turns because of missed exits, the long walk across a sunny meadow to get to the swing in the shade – lately, in the midst of these things, I find myself pausing and breathing and thinking, “This will take the time that it takes. What is the rush?” Perhaps in a post-COVID world, I will feel differently and move again at a pressing pace. But perhaps not.