parenting thoughts – Life Off Headset

Weekly recap + what we ate: Art and celebrations

This year, Lunar New Year AND Super Bowl Sunday fell in the same weekend. I am a little abashed to say that the latter gets more attention in our household. However, I did call my father (My mother is in Taiwan with my grandfather), and the seven year old dressed all in red on Saturday (coincidentally, but my dad made a comment about it when we FaceTimed, so I’ll take it), and I made my first attempt at making baozi (pork filled steamed buns). We had dumplings at our Superbowl party, a nod to both San Francisco and Lunar new Year.

My parents also send us two boxes of oranges from their tree for Lunar New Year, including red envelopes for the kids. (Though there was a bit of a mix up and we got my niece’s red envelope, and my brother got the ones for our kids. Oops!) The oranges are amazing – really sweet and juicy. Our neighbors also gave us a box of pineapple cakes too, one of my favorite Taiwanese treats, and they brought red envelopes for the kids too. So I feel as if I haven’t totally neglected the holiday, though I can do better. Every year, I think I’m going to celebrate/participate more, but then Lunar New Year creeps ups on me. I do feel like I fail at being the good Asian daughter a lot of the time.

The weekend felt very packed. Saturday was a basketball game for the 11 year old, and then she had an audition for a children’s chorus. Apparently the audition didn’t go well – it was her first real audition experience and she said she got really “spooked” singing for the people in the room. I am feeling deeply conflicted as a parent about the whole thing – there is a part of me that is all Tiger Mom, thinking, “Well, she didn’t prepare adequately and if she had truly wanted to do this, she would have practiced more. She needs to develop a sense of discipline if she wants to do this again”, and there is a part of me that says, “Auditioning is hard! Good for her for going in there. Big Hugs.” I do want her to enjoy an activity and do things that serve her interests, and at the same time, I think there is a certain sense of discipline and determination that are a more long term takeaway from participating in activities. Or maybe I’m expecting too much? Or overthinking things? I think often of an interview I heard on Fresh Air with a lady who’s son was diagnosed with a fatal illness when he was still a baby, and she talks about wondering what is the goal of parenting when you know your child will not grow up to be an adult?

Super Bowl Sunday, there were classes and activities (agility class, Faith Formation, and skating lessons), a playdate, which I almost cancelled fearing it was too much to do, but which ultimately was quite nice because it was our only opportunity to go outside all day, and the kids got to ride their bikes to the park.

Then in the evening we had friends over to watch the Super Bowl. I thought the game was simultaneously slow and exciting. The half time show was a lot (as it should be). And there were some pretty great commercials. My favorites were the Ben Affleck/ Jennifer Lopez Dunkin’ Donuts commercial – hilarious!, and then commercial for Google Pixel’s new guided frame technology which helps people with impaired or low vision take pictures. I mean, if I was the type to cry during a commercial, that would have been the one. We sent the little kids to bed when the game went into overtime, though the rest of us stayed up to watch to the very end. Still a late night for all.

Other happenings of the week before:
I started my watercolor class! The day before the first class, I went to the art store to pick up supplies. Is there anything as exciting as the anticipation of new art supplies? Fresh paints, blank paper, and smooth brushes.

The first class was a lot of explanation of supplies. The teacher told us not to buy the very expensive supplies for an introductory class. Except for watercolour pencils. There is one inexpensive brand of watercolour pencils that she does not recommend – the colours are not saturated enough. “Did you keep the receipt?” she asked the students who came to class with that brand. I thought that was hilarious.

Our first in class assignment was to experiment with six different watercolour techniques. The homework is a repeat of the same techniques. Here’s how I did on the first try:

Things I learned from the week’s crossword puzzle – one of my favorite things that we did last year was get a Sunday newspaper. Hands down my favorite part is the crossword puzzle, that I work on through the week. I do them in pen, and I don’t look up clues. However, once I finish the crossword puzzle, or get the solutions the following week, I will google the answers that were new to me; I find it’s a fun way to learn random bits of knowledge. Things I learned from this week’s puzzle:
-Anne Meara (“Emmy nominated Anne”) – Meara was a comedian who had a comedy routine with her husband Jerry Stiller. I was particularly struck by the fact that they broke up their comedy act because they were afraid that the biting tone of their routine was hurting their marriage in the long run. I thought that was a pretty self-aware decision.
–Otoes (Native Americans based in Red Rock, Okla.) This Native American tribe was semi-nomadic, originally from the Great Lakes area but eventually settling along the Missouri River in the Iowa/Missouri/Nebraska area. They were decimated by small pox and the American government.
– Gaus sum (Gaus __, concept in algebraic number theory.) This is the method of adding consecutive numbers by adding the first and last, second and second last, and so on, and then dividing by 2. Quite neat and efficient.
–Adolph Rupp. (Kentucky coaching legend Rupp) University basketball coach with a storied career. Anytime I see the name “Adolph”, I wonder about the choice. Rupp was born in 1901, clearly before the name Adolph became practically taboo.
–Tealight (Candle originally used to warm a steeped drink.) Who knew? But makes so much sense. Tealights originally came from Japan and were used to keep tea warm, but also they helped tea brewers keep track of time since one knew how long they would burn for.

The hyacinths are poking their heads up. What the what???? It is alarming yet also how can I not love the hints of spring?

The “I’ll miss this some day” moment: One morning, I was woken up very early – not sure how early, but it was definitely before 5:30am – by the four year old standing next to my bed bawling at the top of her lungs. Let take a moment to reflect on how freaky it is to be woken out of a dead sleep by someone standing next to your bed, even a small and cute someone. And she was clearly upset.

Eventually I figured out what she was sobbing.

“You didn’t play Let it Go when I brushed my teeth!!!!!!” she cried over and over again.

Backstory: the night before, I had let the six year old pick the music for clean up time, but then I promised that four year old that she could listen to Let It Go while they brushed their teeth. Then I forgot, and we played Chompers, as we usually do, no one said a word or reminded me of my promise for Let It Go. Everyone went to bed. I moved on with life.

But I guess not everyone forgot. Or rather someone eventually remembered.

This is one difference between the Husband and me: At 5am when a small person wakes you out of a dead sleep, grief stricken that we’d forgotten to play Let It Go – I try to console her and explain that I had forgotten and that she also had a responsibility to remind me. The Husband, reaches over, picks up his phone, cues up the Frozen soundtrack, and rolls over and goes back to sleep. I’ll let you guess which tactic got the four year old to stop crying.

An hour or so later, when we were both truly awake, I said to the Husband, “Wow, she has a mind like a steel trap!”

“It’s a rusty steel trap,” he says, “Because you never know when it’s going to snap shut and bite you in the ass.”

Perspective: So back in September, I wrote a post entitled “A Litany of Complaints”, of many of the things stressing me that time, and I thought it would be interesting to revisit those stressors:
–The cavity ridden state of the two little kids’ teeth. This has been more or less resolved to the tune of many many crowns. We’ve given up gummy candy and are more diligent about brushing. I just got a notification that they are due for their semi-annual cleaning, which I’m sort of dreading but also curious as to whether or not we are truly cavity free.
–Unflattering passport photos, and an expired passport in general. My new passport just arrived. Yay. I was genuinely worried that my grandfather would suddenly pass away and I would not be able to go back to Taiwan because I had no passport. So that’s all squared away. Morbid, I know. (I had one cousin who missed out on a huge family reunion in Taiwan because she had put her passport in storage and couldn’t get to it. The family still constantly brings it up. So I’m glad I won’t be known as the grandchild who couldn’t go to Agong’s funeral because she didn’t have a passport.) I still hate the picture. I tell myself I don’t have to look at it, but even still, I know that it’s a terrible picture. Can’t take that away from me. AND it’s going to be there for the next ten years. That’s pretty much until the youngest kid is in high school and the oldest is graduated from college. So I guess I’ll get a new photo in time for a celebratory international trip with the oldest child.
–Not planning the three year old’s birthday party until the last minute. It was fine. She had a party, which I wrote about here. Only now I have neglected to plan the seven year old’s birthday party – his birthday was three weeks ago. There’s always something. Same stress different kid.
–Keeping track of the 11 year old’s activities. I have them all pretty straight now, but it’s been a bit of a shuffle this month with her playing rec league basketball and the Husband and I both working on one of the nights she usually goes to basketball clinic. On another front, luckily we share carpooling to the pool with the neighbors so usually someone will remember if there is not swim clinic that week. Also – the twelve year old is in the school play, which rehearses directly after school so she has been totally responsible for that. I just have to remember not to panic on the evening when it gets to be 4:45pm and I suddenly realize I haven’t seen her yet.
–Window treatments for the living room. Aside from some abstract contemplation, there has been absolutely no movement on this. I’d like to just throw my hands in the air and give up on it, but this is the current state of things:

*Very* ad hoc and improvised. There are at least four different stages of window treatment contemplation going on here.

–My 20 year old car. The car is still with us. We did however, get a new minivan back in October. By “we” I mean the Husband. I have yet to drive the minivan. Part of what we talked about in getting a minivan is that I would get rid of my car. But I’m irrationally attached to my car and have been putting things off. I had promised the Husband that I would take care of getting rid of the car in January. Then February. And now, the windshield wipers need replacing and we need to renew it’s parking permit and it probably needs an oil change. And I think – should I really do all that if I’m going to imminently get rid of it? Anyhow, change is hard, I’m having some kind of block against moving forward with getting rid of the car. The thing is – we could put more money into it and it would be okay, so it feels wasteful to get rid of the car. I’m investigating donating it to the high school’s automotive training program. This is still a huge stressor for me.
–Morning routines. Still feels like the mornings are interminable yet rushed. I came to a huge revelation about my morning routines last week. Part of the reason my morning routines are non-existent is because the kids are so erratic in the mornings. One kids is up at 6:30am, another sleeps til 7:00am, the other… something in between. Sometimes they want breakfast right off, sometimes they roam the house. Sometimes they will get dressed first, sometimes not til they’ve been up for an hour and a half. If they were more consistent about their mornings, I could feel like there is a routine – for everyone. Like maybe we would get piano practicing done, maybe we would put away some laundry, maybe I could get some journaling in… Maybe I’m asking too much. But it does seem like with almost 2.5 hours of awake time in the morning, I should be able to do more then, breakfast, pack lunch, get dressed. Work in progress.

Which is all to say – I feel like some of the things that were stressing me out in September are still stressing me out, some have been resolved, and some I’ve learned to make peace with. They’ve moved from stressing me out to just being irksome. I think this is a big component of adulting for me – managing stressors. Stressing about things until I manage them. I don’t know why I do it like this – it always feels better when things are resolved.

Grateful For:
– Superbowl Sunday with Friends. It’s nice to have people over who I don’t have to worry about impressing, who will bring tasty food, and who have kids that will entertain our kids.

–For the middle school teachers who keep the 12 year old (and all the students) safe: The 12 year old’s school had a lock down at school on Friday. Apparently there were some teenagers with BB guns who fi (or maybe there was more than one- it’s unclear), ran into the field next to school. The police came. Looking at the letter sent home the whole incident took about 20 minutes, but I’m sure it felt like longer to her in her classroom. All the nearby schools went into lockdown. It’s hard to conceive of what the real danger was to everyone at the school, but regardless, it must have been an incredibly stressful afternoon. Some part of my mind thinks, “Of course, everything turned out okay,” but I know I can’t take that for granted. Such is life in America. Sadly.

-Biking. It’s gotten warm enough (and dry enough) to bike places. I biked to work one day, though I did walk the bike up the big hill, and I biked to meet the Husband for lunch.

–Our neighbor for lending us a bamboo steamer: As I mentioned above, I wanted to try my hand at making bao for Lunar New Year. However, I didn’t have a bamboo steamer. I could steam in a regular metal steamer, but there is something about the bamboo smell that completes the bao flavor for me. So I texted our neighbor, and they had one which they dropped off that very afternoon. I think the buns turned out okay – they popped open a little when I steamed them, so I do need work on my folding technique. I also want to experiment with some vegetarian filling options.

Looking Forward To:
-A potential big trip. We’ve been doing some research for our winter break trip. One day over lunch, the Husband and I were to both come with three ideas to start discussing. I find planning for travel overwhelming, but just starting to research a destination (or three) is actually pretty fun.

-Long weekend adventures. Definitely a hike, and maybe a museum. (This all happened. It was a great weekend! More on that soon. )

-Reading more of Courtney Milan’s latest book, The Marquis Who Musn’t. Historical romance featuring an English village populated by Asian people? Yes please! I love Milan’s books – there are no idiotic people and her writing and plotting is generally very good. She’s also hugely outspoken on issues of race and inclusivity in the romance genre.

What We Ate:
Monday: Takeout from Chicken on the Run. The 7 year old had his first sewing class and I was going to make sandwiches for dinner when we got home, but sewing class is a block down from a really good Peruvian chicken place, so I called an audible and brought home chicken, and yucca fries and plantains and black beans and rice, and cucumber salad. No regrets.

Tuesday: Zucchini Boats. The Husband cooked. He stuffed the boats with ground turkey and covered it with cheese and diced tomatoes. Always a favorite.

Wednesday: Bacon and Egg pie. Recipe from Saveur Magazine. I used to subscribe to Saveur magazine and I loved it – the food writing was so evocative and homey, even when it was about far flung locations. I very rarely cooked out of it because the recipes often needed ingredients that I didn’t have on hand since a lot of the recipes came from other countries or cultures. Anyhow, I have a gentle aspiration to cook more from the cooking magazines that I own and I had bookmarked this recipe to try – it’s from New Zealand and quite easy – puff pastry, filled with chopped up bacon and eggs, drizzled with a sauce of Worchester sauce and ketchup, then baked. I think I overbaked it a little, though. The result, however, would be perfect for a portable lunch or breakfast.

Thursday: Pizza Takeout. It was the Husband’s birthday and he didn’t want to celebrate, but then changed his mind so he came home with pizza from his favorite place and a cake from his favorite bakery. We kept it lowkey, but the kids did make a sign:

Friday: Pizza (The Husband made) and Galavant. Friday night tradition. I don’t know what we’re going to do when we finish season two.

Saturday: Bahn mi (take out) and A Bug’s Life (the 7 year old’s turn to pick the movie). The movie was new to me, very cute.

Sunday: Superbowl Sunday. Lots of food! Our friends are both big griller/smokers. One brought brisket and one brought ribs. The Husband made guacamole. We ordered soft pretzels from the DC Pretzel Company. There was also dumplings, baozi, crudite, brownies, lemon cake, chips, fruit. I like having a good party spread and this one was pretty good.

Weekly Recap + what we ate: No flow state

This past week has felt like a disjointed mess. Errands. Play dates. Life. Laundry. Dishes.

Everything just felt fraught, everyone was grumpy. Or maybe just me. Then in the middle of the week, it hit me: I was feeling so off because I wasn’t in a place to have any sense of flow in my life – there is no flow in parenting. Flow. That state of total occupation where time seems to melt away. When an activity is just challenging enough to demand total attention and focus. Much ink has been spilt lately on how flow is essential to well being. When I took the Yale Happiness Course (free online – I found it very insightful and tweaked some life habits after taking this course.), flow was cited as important to achieving well being and reducing stress. When you’re in a flow state, you’re in the zone, totally present with a sense of purpose, which makes for a really enjoyable experience.

I think about activities when I find that sense of flow:

-In the Kitchen. Cooking and baking definitely put me into a flow state – the mixing and combining and seeing yummy things manifest.

-timing scores. At work, one of our jobs is to listen to the opera with a stopwatch and mark every 15 seconds in our score. It helps later on to figure out how much time there is between two moments in the show – say, a singer exiting and re-entering, or if we have live flame onstage we can tell the fire marshal how long the torch will be lit, that kind of thing. Timing the score is one of those moment of flow because I have to really concentrate to follow the music and get the marks in the right place. We all know not to bother someone when they are timing a score. And at the same time, I love it because I get to listen to the music and music is pretty awesome.

-mending. Part of it is I’m not very good at mending, so I have to concentrate very hard on it and I find it a completely absorbing activity, and it’s also really satisfying when it is done to know that I saved a piece of clothing for a few more wears.

-Writing here on the blog. I am a very slow writer, also it doesn’t come easily to me. Or maybe I have a lot to say, and like finding ways of getting words out. When I get a chunk of uninterrupted time to write, the time can fly and I’m usually really happy with the outcome.

But even aside from those “fun flows” I get a certain satisfied sense of flow in being able to just get things done. Like bang out all the “internet errand” (bills, registrations, forms, etc.) in one go, or tidying a room, or organizing a closet. I actually think I get a huge sense of flow from cleaning the kitchen late at night after the kids go go bed.

Which all brings me to my realization: There is no flow in parenting. With the kids at home, there was no chance to get through something uninterrupted, no chance to immerse myself, lose track of time. Someone was always hungry, or needed help with something, or complaining about a sibling. And even when the house was quiet – that in itself also disrupts flow because something in my brain would tick and say, “It’s too quiet, what are the kids up to????” I’d sit down for two minutes to get a task done, or roll out my yoga mat to do ten minutes of yoga… and suddenly footsteps, a knock on my door, a small hand tugging on my arm, a voice in my ear, then my train of thought and sense of purpose is shattered. If flow is about uninterrupted immersion, then yeah… there was not flow during daytime hours last week.

The other thing I found interesting in reading up about flow this week, is that researchers say flow is achieved when peak skill level combines with peak challenge level. So if you don’t feel challenged at something you’re not at all skilled at, you’re going to feel apathetic about it. I like the range of states on the chart below:

from this website, but also it features in Laurie Santos’ talks.

And here, I realized, is another reason I find no flow in parenting – Parenting, for me is a high challenge situation for which I have low skills. Empathy and understanding and doing the right thing and having the perfect response – those come neither naturally or easily for me. So there I am right in the “Anxiety” corner of the chart, though I probably hang out more in the “worry” segment. (I also feel this way about work sometimes. ) So not only does parenting disrupt any flow I may have when I undertake an activity, it also does not provide any kind of venue for intrinsic flow either.

I don’t know if I can spin that into a positive – something about savoring my children while I can despite the challenge? Or if I should just live with the expectation that when the kids are home life will feel abrupt and disjointed and fractured and at sea. After all reasonable expectations are also a component to well being. I think it’s perhaps all of it – setting boundaries with the kids, managing my own work load when they are home so that the tasks can be interrupted, and also leaning into those interruptions. That all sounds very idealistic. Well the kids are all back in school as I write this, so hopefully in the hours between 9:30a and 4:00pm, I can regain some sense of the flow that I was missing the past few weeks.

Speaking of being interrupted, I read this article last week about the importance of curiosity and how we can foster curiosity in ourselves and in children and it really struck a nerve with me. This paragraph:

Children also have to feel that they are free to express their curiosity. Adults need to ‘create environments where children know that it’s safe to ask questions, where there are opportunities to explore, where it’s OK to be wrong and to express uncertainty,’ Bonawitz says. In one high-school classroom that Engel observed, a ninth-grader raised her hand to ask if there had ever been places in the world where no one made art. ‘The teacher stopped her mid-sentence with, “Zoe, no questions now, please; it’s time for learning”,’ Engel recounted.

I think I needed this reminder as I felt myself growing impatient with the constant questions from the 6 year old. He’s very into asking the meaning of words these days, and when I’m trying to achieve a flow state, the constant interruptions for word definitions was so irksome. He’s not old enough for a dictionary yet, but even still, another thing the article points out is that research shows that children display more curiosity if the grown ups around them also engage with a curious mind. So maybe instead of just impatiently rattling off a definition to the six year old, we can get out the dictionary together. Time seems like a precious commodity and I definitely feel myself torn between doing my own thing/encouraging independence vs. engaging with my children. It’s a balance – for everyone’s sake. Constantly responding to never-ending demands certainly taps me out, but I do want to respond to my children in a way that will help them grow and learn and, yes, be curious.

Snapshots of the week:
– The 11 year old had her mini day at middle school. After all my dilemmas about how she should get to school, she ended up just walking. I followed her to school on her mini day, ten steps behind because I had the two little kids behind me. I was really proud of how she looked at her watch before she set out (she’s wearing a watch!!!), and then took note of how long it took her to get to school. It seemed a very mature thing to do. There a lot of kids who walk, so once she crosses the busy road into the next neighborhood, she’ll have lots of walking buddies. I love seeing how she is thriving with the added independence of middle school.

-We went to the 6 year old’s sneak peek at his classroom. His teacher has such boundless enthusiasm, and I’m excited for his school year.

– We went to the local botanical gardens with some friends and their kids. We saw turtles and geese. The 11 year old took over my camera and took a bajillion pictures of all the kids in various locations. It was like a fun photo shoot.

-In an attempt to curb middle of the night visits from the three year old, we’ve given her an alarm clock and told her not to come into our room until the first number is 5 or 6. We are having various degrees of success. Sometimes it works really well. Sometimes she comes when the clock says, 2:05, saying that there is a 5 and therefore it is time to get into mom and dad’s bed. There was the one time at 9:22 pm when she got out of bed, holding the clock upside down claiming that there was a 5 and she should not have to stay in bed anymore. Either she’s still figuring it out, or she’s already figured it out, crafty girl.

-Speaking of time – The kids got into my iPad and set an an alarm:

Every day at 8am. It’s good to have the reminder.

-We went to Longwood Gardens on the Sunday before school started. We hadn’t been all summer and the Husband wanted to go, so we bundled into the car, listening to How To Train Your Dragon on the way up and back. We haven’t been to Longwood Gardens in the summer in a while and I loved seeing all the colors of the blooming flowers.

One of the best parts of Longwood for me is always the vegetable gardens. They grow so many varieties of vegetables, and I always love seeing how vegetables look as they are growing, before they get plucked and delivered to the grocery store. My favorite thing this year was the rows and rows of basil, growing so tall . The smell of it all, sun soaked and fragrant, was just pure summer.

-It took me a while to find PEACE:

Grateful for:
-Siblings. I love that my kids (mostly) get along. They play together. They have the oddest conversations. They hold hands when they walk. They read to each other. They collude against the parents. They encourage each other. Particularly the oldest – she is always encouraging the little ones and can talk them out of a tantrum better than I can. Sure they have moments when they squabble and fight and take each other’s things, but on the whole, the love they have for each other shines so bright. I know you can’t predict how siblings turn out, so I hope they continue to be close as they get older.

-Public school. As I was taking the kids to their various pre-first day activities, I saw all the kids streaming to school and I thought how lucky we are to have schools were kids can go to learn. The six year old is in a French Immersion program that costs us nothing but our taxes. The 11 year old is taking a theatre class as part of the regular curriculum. And I felt grateful not just that my kids could go to school, but that any kid in our county could go to school. I borrowed a picture book from the library last week about two girls who couldn’t go to school because of the hukuo system in China. It’s a system where you have to register your residency in order to, among other things, receive services. Once registered, it is very hard to change so if you move from the rural area to the urban area, your kids aren’t guaranteed a place in the school of your new location. That’s an oversimplification, but the idea that a child would not be able to go to school makes me so sad.

-Public transportation. Another good use of my tax dollars. One day last week, we had another 6 year old over for a play date and we decided to take the bus to the library. It felt so much easier than trying to get the extra booster seat out. I just learned that the 11 year old and the 6 year old can get a bus pass to ride the county bus for free! I’m going to have to put that on my list of things to look into.

Looking forward to:
– September. A New Month! I’ve been thinking of habits and routines that I want to try to cultivate.

– Maryland Renaissance Festival! The Husband is going out of town this weekend – he’s going ot the Minnesota State Fiar with a bunch of friends. I guess it’s a bucket list trip for some of them. So a three day weekend with the kids for me. The Husband does not care for the Renaissance Festival, so I usually take the kids without him. For some reason or other he’s often away labor day weekend. Given the number of trips he’s taken with the kids solo this summer, I feel like he more than deserves a trip with his friends.

-Cooler weather. We’ve had a spate of weather in the low 80s and breezy and it’s been lovely. I’m not ready for autumn life happenings (The Hallowe’en stuff is out at Costco already!!) , but I sure am ready for autumn weather.

What We Ate:

Monday: Pasta with tomato and anchovy sauce. Tomatoes from the Husband’s garden. From the cookbook “Cook What You Have” about easy pantry meals.

Tuesday: Egg Curry. I heard about this on the podcast Didn’t I Just Feed you? I would not have thought of making a curry with hard boiled eggs, but this was really tasty and will go into our rotation. The Husband said, “I knew this was going to be good – it’s two of my favorite things: eggs and curry!”

Wednesday: Tomato Chirashi and tuna sushi bowls. The tomato chirashi bowl was from a Washington Post recipe that calls for marinading tomatoes in soy sauce, mirin, fish sauce so that the tomatoes sort of mimic raw fish. I made brown rice with vinegar and added edamame, cucumbers, carrots, and canned tuna and we topped with nori. It was really satisfying and the kids could pick and choose what they put in their bowl.

Thursday: Corn Dogs and bubble tea. We met up with the Husband after work at a Korean Corndog place in the mall for Happy Hour, which turned out to be not a great food choice, but very tasty.

Friday: Pizza (carry out) and Frozen. It was the 3 year old’s turn ot pick the movie.

Satureday: Pizza (again) at a birthday party.

Sunday: Totellini with sausage and red sauce. Pantry dinner after we got home from Longwood Gardens. I wanted something simple and quick and this was it.

Not crying at naptime.

The three year old has been going to daycare since September, so three months now. She had been home since she was born with my parents or an occasional sitter coming to watch her when I was working. Understandably, I was a little nervous about her starting daycare; she’d never really spent an extended amount of time in a classroom setting. How would she deal with other children? With teachers? With mandatory nap time?

Well, the first day, she walked right into the classroom, without nary a backward glance. A friend of mine, a former preschool teacher, said to me afterwards, “It means that she was ready to be out in the world.”

Of course, there have been a handful of teary drop-offs since then. Inexplicable mornings when she clings and cries and doesn’t want me to leave. Or at least they are mysterious to me. I’m sure she has her reasons for feeling vulnerable and clingy those mornings.

It is a little bit of an adjustments to go from being with a child all the time to only seeing her in the mornings and evenings. There is so much to her day that I don’t get to witness, so many lightbulb moments that I miss. She can now count and recognize shapes and letters. I certainly didn’t teach her that. But I’m grateful that someone else is.

Every day when she comes home from school, I give her a big hug, and I ask her, “How was your day today?” (I know such a vague open ended question is exactly the kind of thing parenting articles tell us not to ask, but it slips out before I can think of anything else.)

And every day she says with excited pride, “I didn’t cry at nap time!”

I don’t know what goes on at school that not crying at nap time is the highlight of her day, but it always makes me laugh when she says it.

At her parent teacher conference two weeks ago, I asked the teacher about this, wondering, “Does she usually cry at naptime?”

“Well,” they answered, “The first week, she did. She found naptime hard. But now she does really well at naptime.”

I thought about it in the days afterwards, and and, really… not crying at naptime – it actually seems like a pretty good barometer for how one’s day is going. When the things that used to be a struggle are almost mundane, it is easy for these previous challenges to fade into the mist and for our minds to adapt to a new, higher bar for a “good day”. Things like remembering to pay the bills on time, or making the bed in the morning morph into bigger tasks like estate planning and having the house spotless and it’s easy to feel daunted. Sometimes, though, it is good to remember when those low bars once seemed really high, and to celebrate one’s continued ability to hurdle them.

Here’s wishing you a wonderful (American) Thanksgiving week, where there is no crying at naptime.