Reflection – Life Off Headset

At the Top of the Hill

There was a moment a few weeks ago, while sledding- that moment where the sled is teetering at the top of the hill, a breath before gravity tips the sled forward and sends it swooshing down to the bottom of the hill. I’m sitting in the sled and that moment is fill of breathless anticipation. And dread. Some call it anticipation. But really it’s stomach churning dread.

Here’s the thing, I realized sitting at the top of the hill, though. When I’m in that sled teetering at the top of the hill, I look down and I see what is ahead of me. And there is one tiny path that is super smooth, and I know if I managed to go down that path, everything will be predictable, clockwork, as I expected. But all around that sliver of smooth clear path is lumpy bumpy snow. Snow with divots. Snow with footprints. And I know that hitting those spots will be jarring and even painful. It’s this not knowing what the ride will be like that makes me hate being at the top of the hill.

I was thinking about this moment a lot this week as I get ready to step back into the rehearsal room. I’ve been feeling a little off. There have been so many changes at work, and I feel as if I’m sitting in that sled, filled with dread, waiting to slide down the hill. I might be pushed, or I might push myself. Or gravity and physics might just do its thing and send me off before I know it.

This – perched at the top of the hill about to go down – is where I am today. I can see a path for the next few weeks where everything is frictionless and I avoid all obstacles, and at the same time I also see all the roadblocks and difficulties that lie ahead. And honestly, I don’t know until we get started if things will be nice and expected, or if I will hit all the potholes I see. And anyway, it’s more than likely there are bumps in the smooth way too because in the white sleekness of the path, the bright sunlight can hide all the bumpy parts. So there’s really no knowing. But there is fretting and resistance and reluctance.

I can try to steer to the narrow smooth sailing path. But, it’s a sled. It’s an imperfect vehicle and I can only do so much. Odds are – because of weather, weight, and physics – I will likely veer down the bumpy parts of the hill and all I can do is brace myself and try to keep myself (and the kids, and the show) inside the sled. And if we do fall out, I can just pick ourselves up and continue the journey, or carry the sled back up the hill to do it all again.

That moment at the top of the hill, though – it’s the worst and best moment. Teeth gritted, not knowing when the bumps will hit. But also knowing that if I don’t go tip down, I won’t know how amazing the ride will be.

Splashy Places

The other day I was at the pool with the two younger kids. It was adult swim so we were in the baby pool.

The baby pool wasn’t too crowded, maybe just two or three other families. I try not to let my kids be too wild in the baby pool because of all the toddlers around, but water does move around and it sometimes goes into kids’ faces. And when it does I often feel annoyed at the kid doing the splashing. How dare they get water on my precious child?!?! And then I want to pull my kids away from the splashing kids.

But this day, my kids were the ones doing the splashing and they happened to splash a little kid, she appeared to be maybe four years old. She gave a little cry of anger and ran to her mom. Immediately I turned to my kids to tell them to stop splashing in the pool, even though they didn’t mean to splash the four year old.

And then I heard the mom of the four year old say to her kid, “I’m sorry you got water in your face; pools are splashy places.”

And it made me stop and realize the deep wisdom of her words. It seems so obvious but sometimes I forget: Pools are splashy.

Often, I want to do everything to prevent my kids from splashing or getting splashed in the pool; I want to move them far away so they won’t get water in their face and experience any discomfort. I want them to have an unblemished pool experience. But I just loved how that mom at the pool didn’t take her kid out of the pool or try to tell her that she shouldn’t have been splashed. She didn’t pretend that the pool was a place where no one would get splashed.

Pools are splashy places. But I’ll be right here with goggles or a towel or hugs or whatever you need to get back out there and play. Pools are splashy places, but they are also places of fun, joy, and bravery.

Pools are splashy. Life is messy. Love can hurt. It’s all just part of coming to the pool, living life, loving someone.

Life lessons from driving a manual car

For the past year or so I’ve been driving what I like to call The Husband’s car. You might recall, I used to drive a 20 year old Subaru Legacy Wagon that was on its last legs. The Husband and I eventually decided that I should start driving my Husband’s Subaru Impreza as a way to wean me off my 20 year old vehicle.

Little Red, as we call it – the van is Big Red – is a manual car. When we first bought it in 2012, the Husband very much wanted a manual car. I had never driven a manual car before we got Little Red. I remember my parents driving them when I was growing up. And then when it came time to buy my first car we thought about getting a manual car because it was cheaper, but my mother, who was car shopping with me, couldn’t remember how to drive a stick shift, so we went with an automatic. I had a friend/ work colleague who drove me home after rehearsals a lot and she had a manual car. She said something that really stayed with me. She told me her father had insisted she and her siblings learn to drive manual cars because he didn’t ever want them to be stuck somewhere and unable to get home because they didn’t know how to drive a stick shift.

When we got Little Red, the Husband taught me how to drive. It was rough learning. I remember I used to drive around the neighborhood in the middle of the day when there was no traffic, just so I could practice.

Anyhow, I wouldn’t say I’m amazingly smooth at driving a manual car, even after 12 years. Just earlier this year I had to call the Husband to get the car out of a parking spot in front of the pre-school because I had parked on a bit of a downward hill and was too close to the car in front of me. I had tried for ten minutes to pull the car out, but I couldn’t get the right rhythm of releasing the clutch and reversing without the car rolling. (Okay, side note – I found this really annoying – the guy who owned the car in front of me at one point came out of his house and came up to look at his rear bumper. I’m guessing he was making sure I hadn’t hit his car. Then he went back into his house. I really wanted to ask him just to move his car forward so I could have a bit of extra breathing space to pull my car out.).

Despite all that, I’m really glad that I learned how to do it. One thing I like about driving a manual car is that it keeps my mind engaged; I have to be very mindful of what I’m doing and the circumstances around me. No wool gathering while I drive.

Because of having to really think about what I’m doing while I drive, and also because I’ve sat in a lot of rush hour traffic the past few years, I often find myself contemplating how things I think about while driving also can apply to life. Here are some life lessons I’ve realized while driving Little Red.

Leave lots of space. The thing with a manual car is that if you don’t shift correctly, the car will often roll back or lurch forward. Also you can’t really stop it as quickly as you can an automatic car. Well, I guess you can, but it’s really unpleasant – stopping the car quickly is a bit of a mental shift for me (clutch or brake? or both?), and it can be very jarring if I don’t do it right. So I’ve learned that when driving it’s good to leave space so I don’t have to do anything too suddenly if I don’t have to. In life too, it’s good to leave room in case you want to roll something back or if you need to stop suddenly. Don’t pack life so close that you can’t do those things.

Give people grace – you might not know what’s going on. I feel like people who don’t drive manual cars don’t really understand the multi-step process that driving a manual car takes. There have been many times when I’ve stalled the car at a stop sign or stop light, and then people honk at me when I don’t move quickly enough for their tastes. I really hate being honked at while trying to restart my car. Or once time, I had someone come up to me and say, “I think your parking brake is on” when really I was on an incline and having a bit of difficulty getting the rhythm of releasing the clutch and gunning the accelerator. The nice young man meant well – when he realized that I was driving a manual car, he apologized. These days, when the light turns green and the car in front of me doesn’t go immediately, I remind myself to be patient because it might be because the driver has stalled their car, like I’ve done many times. Everyone deserves grace over aggressive car honking be it at a stop light or any other time in life.

Related – ignore the honking and concentrate on the task at hand. When I’ve stalled and there’s a long line of cars behind me, I start to get a little anxious, feeling bad for holding up traffic. And when the honking starts, it compounds my anxiety. But then I have to take a deep breath, tune out all the noise and just concentrate on getting the car started again. I channel this concentration often at work – when I have a particularly difficult sequence to call, I can’t let myself be distracted by everything going on around me – I focus on the music and the cues and hone on in what needs to be done. Silence the internal and external critics because I know how to get the car started, the show on, my child to calm down. There is strength in knowing what to do.

Slow and steady beats fast and jerky. When I’m in rush hour traffic, I’ve learned that it’s better put the car in 2nd gear and go slowly and consistently than be constantly shifting into a higher gear and accelerating to match the stop and go pace of the cars around me. Sure I could move a little faster if, but then I inevitably will have to stop or downshift when I get too close to the car in front of me; constantly speeding up and slowing down is tiring and more often than not I end up stalling the car because I don’t shift fast enough. Like the tortoise, it’s better to go at a consistent slower pace. There is no need to rush. Rushing takes a lot more mental energy and will just make me frustrated when I have to slow down anyway. I think of this in regards to my career- I sometimes feel jealous of people whose careers move in leaps and bounds. But I have to remind myself that I am the head of my department because I climbed the ladder slowly and didn’t let myself get burnt out by moving to big projects too quickly.

Listening is important. There are some standard speeds for when to shift, but it’s also important to listen to the car as well. If it sounds like the car is working too hard, it often means I’m in the wrong gear and need to shift. Listening is such an important part of figuring out where things need to be – I find this is also true with people.

Sometimes you just need to be neutral. Okay, this one is actually a pretty terrible habit while driving stick shift – I probably put the car into neutral when going downhill more than I should. So this is perhaps not a good metaphor, but it’s something I often think about when shifting to neutral. You have to be in neutral when the car is at a stop light or the car will stall. (Unless you keep your foot on the clutch, but that’s not a great habit either.) Often when I’m sitting in neutral, I think about what “being neutral” means in life – when is it best to take a step back and observe in order to keep the engine of things going? Also – I have a terrible poker face so my face is very rarely in neutral.

But…. You can’t go uphill in neutral. Something that goes hand in hand with that last point. I’m still not the best at starting the car on an incline – Any tips for me? – but I have learned through trial and error that you can’t go uphill in neutral, though you can go downhill. How true is that for so many things? To move forward and make progress you need to put the car in a gear – be bold, make decisions. Not taking a stand can often lead to being idle or backsliding, or just gunning the accelerator unnecessarily. On that note – don’t gun the accelerator unless you know what gear you’re in. To climb mountains you need to be in the right gear and give things the right push at the right time.

I don’t know how long we’ll have a manual car. The oldest will learn to drive in a few years and while I like the idea of her learning to drive a manual car, it seems impractical. The current car is 13 years old, but it still runs well (Thank you, Subaru). Either way, I’m glad Little Red is in our life and that it has made me contemplate so many things in life.

Did you ever learn to drive a manual car? What is the best advice you’ve been given about driving? What do you think about when driving? When do you feel like you most need grace? Are you good at being in neutral?

On Wednesday morning piano lessons

The two older kids take piano lessons at 7:15am on Wednesdays. When the piano teacher first offered that as a time slot – her only available opening – I thought, it was an alarming idea. But then I thought about it, and actually, it made sense for us. My kids are early risers and they don’t leave for school until 8:00am. Having piano lessons first thing in the morning meant that I could take them, and then we wouldn’t have to figure out a carpool situation after school when I often wasn’t available.

But I’m going to be honest – it is a hard push most Wednesdays to get them there. Getting them up, dressed. Sometimes there is breakfast involved. Sometimes I pick up breakfast afterwards for them as a treat. Making sure they have their books, which should have been put together the night before – there is literally an alarm on my phone at 7:30pm on Tuesday night called “Find your piano books”. And the 4 year old also has to come along for the ride because I can’t leave her at home. So that’s another body to wrangle into the car seat, often still in her pajamas. And for some reason, the children that wake up on their own at 6am six days out of the week need to be dragged out of bed at 6:50am on Wednesday mornings. Needless to say, there are many alarms set for Wednesday mornings at our house.

Getting to 7:15am piano lessons feels especially hard in winter, when it is dark and cold outside as we get in the car. Indeed, the whole thing can feel like some sort of secret stealth mission – bundling into the car while the houses around us are still dark and still, as if we are on the lam or something. Even in the summer when it is light, the quiet expectant air of morning contrasts with my frazzled hurry and I try to make it to lessons on time.

Piano lessons are just a little over a mile away – two left turns and one right. Yet there is always one moment, when we take that second left straight and head straight east, that always surprises me. The turn towards the rising sun is never the same, depending on the time of year. Some days it is still dark with only the faintest hit of dawn. Some days, we drive straight into a blinding sunrise. And I have to squint and concentrate to stay on the road. If I’m good I’ll have remembered to put on my sunglasses beforehand.

And then some days, like last week, as the daylight hours finally begin to lengthen, I take that left and I see the most beautiful golden pink dawn sky, sunrise just starting. The tangled jaggedly trees that line the street silhouetted against the blushing horizon. And it’s gorgeous and it’s just a moment. And I want to capture the sheer beauty of it, but I’m driving and that would be irresponsible and probably dangerous, so I just keep driving and drinking in the pink and I say to the kids, “Look at the beautiful sky!!!” Because I don’t want them to miss it. Because I know that the next week I won’t be guaranteed this sight as I turn that corner, so I might as well enjoy it now.

Anyhow, as I turn the calendar into February, I just want to remind myself to look up as I round those bends because beautiful things might be just around the corner.

25 Better and Brilliant Things, 2022

Admittedly, the first day of February feels very late to reflect on the year that was – I’ve seen 2022 reflection posts pop up starting the end of November, so this definitely feels behind the ball. Oh well. Here are 25 things that made my life better or brilliant in 2022. It is by no means comprehensive – I’m sure there are a million better and brilliant things I’ve left off, but it’s a start. Not all of them were things that were new in 2022, just new to me or even re-discovered in 2022.

BETTER and BRILLIANT VERBS:

1. Toilet Training -The 3 year old is fully day time toilet trained!!! Both my older kids toilet trained quite old – the oldest one was almost three and the middle one was three and a half. So toilet training the youngest wasn’t really on my radar last year. My mother, however, decided that she wanted to try. Bless her. I’m not sure what magic she did, but the baby was toilet trained by the time she was 2.5 years old, both poop and pee. She is still in a diaper at night, but I figure that is definitely easier than having to change sheets. I was a little sad to pack up our stash of cloth diapers, but I’m so glad not to not have to carry a diaper bag anymore.

2. Tap to Camera: Did you know you can program your iPhone to do certain things when you tap the back of it? (Elisabeth knows, because I commented about this on her blog :)) This was probably my most mind-blowing discovery last year. (Maybe hyperbole. Maybe not.)
Settings –> Accessiblity –> Touch –> Back Tap
Then you can choose a function for when you Double Tap and when you Triple Tap. I’ve set my phone up so that when I tap twice on the back of the phone, the camera will open. No more swiping until I find the camera icon – so much cleaner and faster. I love it. I also love how Accessibility features really make things better for everyone.

3. Spinning to Choose – with three kids, there is always a fight over who gets to go first. Who gets to pick the first book, who gets to sit in the middle, who gets to go first for “Rose, Buds, and Thorns”, etc. etc. This year, we solved this problem by implementing a spinner. I’m sure you can get a paper one, but we use an online one. The Husband uses an app. This simple tool has cut out so many arguments. Because you can’t really argue with a spinner.

4. Bike Commuting and Running– My bike has sat in the garage since before the three year old was born. Before kids, I used to bike to work – five miles one way – but after kids, I sort of fell out of the habit. This year, we bought the 11 year old a bike, and when he went to pick it up, the Husband took my bike in for a tune up. Pretty soon, I was back to bike commuting. The first few weeks were pretty hard, but I took it slow, walked the bike uphill when I needed to. I loved getting that bit exercise endorphin before I start my work day. It’s been too cold to bike commute lately, but hopefully I’ll be back at it for my next show. On the same subject – in late 2021 the middle kid attended Sunday Mandarin school. Parents weren’t allowed to sit in class because of COVID precautions, so I started going on little runs/walks while he was in class. Last year, I decided that I wanted to make running more of a routine. I didn’t really have any exercise routine and something about turning 40 made me think about ways to combat my mortality. Exercise is on all the lists of healthy habits so it seemed like a good idea. So in 2022, I started finding time to run. It also helped that I went back to work where I could find child-free time to run on my dinner break. I bought running shoes. (My last pair were at least 10 years old and the soles were falling off). I found a “Walk to Run 1 Mile” podcast, and just started there. I still don’t love the act of running, but I realize that it has helped my mental and physical health immensely, so I’ll keep at it.

5. Brushing my teeth with the kids: I’ve been working on removing barriers to going to bed at a decent time, and one of them had been the litany of things I felt necessary to do before I actually got into bed, including brushing my teeth. Last fall I started brushing my teeth with the kids during their bedtime routine, and suddenly one of the barriers to bedtime was removed early in the evening. Also has the side benefit that I don’t snack in the evenings anymore. (My hack for two minute teeth brushing is this two minute podcast. The kids won’t brush without it.)

6. Travel: Even though we had done a few overnights and camping trips, in 2022 we took our first big family vacations in two and a half years. In April we went to The Smoky Mountains for Spring Break, and in August we rented a van and drove up to Montreal, stopping at various places along the way. (I still want to do a recap of the Montreal trip here… just haven’t gotten to it.) After the past two years staying within a 2 hour radius of home, it felt so special to get away and to see new things. Both trips were a nice combination of activities and relaxation, and I realized that both are pretty important to me on a vacation. I want to see all the things, but I also want to sit outside and read my book. We have one big trip planned for this year (who knows if we’ll be able to afford another), and I’m looking forward to it.

7. Going Back to Work: This was one of the big things from 2022. After being unemployed for almost two years – aside from a couple supertitle gigs at the end of 2021 – in February 2022 I finally was back at my home opera company doing opera for an audience. There was very frequent COVID testing and masking and, yes COVID continued to be thing and threw many obstacles in our way. Even still, after two year of wiping noses and behinds and tears it felt so great to be with grown ups, putting opera up onstage.

BETTER and BRILLIANT THINGS

8. Vox Books – Our library has these books that have an audio box built into them. They come in a variety of picture books, but also early readers and non-fiction books too. It reminded me of those books on tape that I had growing up, where there was a “ding” and you knew to turn the page. Vox Books were fantastic for the two little kids, and even the 11 year old was into them. They were such a life saver when I really didn’t have the energy or time to read to them because they could operate the books on their own, making them a great screen free way to spend some independent quiet time. Some of our favorites were The Couch Potato, Frog and Toad, and the National Geographic non-fiction series. There was also a series in Chinese, which I thought was nice for getting some of the language in the kids’ ears.

9. Bedside Lamp: One of my constant goals is better sleep hygeine (see above -“Teethbrushing with kids.”), specifically to cut down on the screens before bed and go to sleep at a decent time. Decent is relative and in my case it means before midnight. I do like to read before bed and I found that reading on my phone or iPad often lead to the temptation to scroll and go down internet rabbit holes. So this year, I got a lamp for my bedside and started reading hard copy books before bed. I’m shocked that it took me this long to figure this one out. It doesn’t work every night, but I’ve spent more nights with a paper book in hand rather than random internet holes and I’ve noticed the paper book leads to an easier winddown and I fall asleep faster.

10. Flip Belt: I had originally gotten this running belt to hold my phone and keys while running, but then I started wearing it backstage. When I went back to work, I had no black pants that really fit so I mostly wore my old maternity pants. Only problem was maternity pants have a very loose elastic waistband and no belt loops and non existent pocket – so not practical at all for being backstage. I needed something to which to clip the beltpack for my headset and I also needed to be able to carry my phone and a Sharpie. So one day, I had the brilliant idea of using my Flip Belt backstage. It was perfect; it’s strong enough to hold up the beltpack and I can carry my phone and a couple Sharpies in it as well. And for all the same reasons, wearing a Flip Belt made it possible to wear a dress backstage, which I like to do periodically.

11. Leggings with Tech Pockets: 2022 was also the year that I crawled out from under my rock and discovered there existed leggings with pockets. I know. It’s kind of ridiculous that it took me this long to realize that even though I had embraced leggings with my first pregnancy. Similar to the Flipbelt, leggings with pockets allowed me to wear comfy dresses at work, but still have a place to keep my phone. But also … I use a Hobonichi Weeks as my work planner/notebook, and it is slim enough that it fits into the tech pockets of my leggings. Now I can be running around in rehearsal or backstage and always have my notebook with me.

12. Straw Lids: I drink a lot of water. I love water. I also love cold water, so I have several insulated water bottles. However, I don’t like unscrewing water bottles to drink – it’s messy and requires two hands. My preference is for a straw top. But my favorite water bottles do not come with straw tops; they came with screw tops. I always thought my options were – the bottle size and shape I wanted or a straw top. Well, this year I discovered that one can just buy a straw top for one’s water bottle. This is another of those things where if I dig around a little, I discover that I don’t have to just live with the original features of something. Such a simple solution. I’ve replaced all my water bottle tops with straw tops.

13. Bombas Socks – Several years ago, when my friend told me that Bombas Socks were simply the best sock out there, I didn’t really think anything of it because, honestly, they seemed awfully expensive for socks and I’ve always been a little skeptical of anything with a cult following. But last winter, I was trying to replace my Costco brand Merino wool socks and it turns out they were discontinued, so I gave in to the hype and ordered myself some Bombas. Reader, they were life changing. These socks are soft and thick, and just the right amount of snug to be secure but not too tight. They wear like iron, yet don’t chafe. I love them so much that I’ve become quite protective of them – gone are the days when I just toss my socks in the laundry basket to be washed, and then never get a matching pair back. The Bombas go into a lingerie bag to get washed so that I know where they are so that they always come back in pairs and no one else in the family will try to wear them. The family knows that the Bombas are for mom only. Wear them at your peril.

BETTER AND BRILLIANT FOOD THINGS:

14. Favorite new dinner to use up veggies – This year I discovered Sheet Pan Gnocchi and it has become one of my favorite ways to clean out the vegetable drawer and get dinner on the table in 30 minutes. Basically you take whatever veggies you have on hand, cut them up to a size that will roast in 20 minutes, mix the veggies and gnocchi in a bowl with olive oil, salt, pepper and whatever herbs and spices you want. Then throw it all in a single layer in a sheet pan and roast at 400 for 20-30 minutes. Easy prep, easy clean up, tasty dinner. What’s more brilliant than that? (It also reminds me of a tip once I heard that the first step for getting dinner on the table is that the first thing you do when you walk in the door after work is either put a pot of water to boil on the stove or preheat the oven. I don’t know why that tip has stuck with me, but something about starting that first step right away makes dinner seem like a very real possibility.)

15. Soda Stream and flavored balsamic vinegars – Back in 2019 my brother gifted me a Soda Stream. He drinks a lot of fizzy water. I liked the idea of the Soda Stream, but could never get it to work, so I put it in the attic. Well, in 2022, for some reason, I thought I’d pull it out and try it again. We had been buying fizzy water by the case from Costco, and while it wasn’t exactly breaking the bank, it also wasn’t the most convenient or eco friendly way to get my bubbly fix. Well, the Soda Stream gets used all the time now. I still drink flat water, but during dinner or when I want something that feels a little special, I’ll fizz myself up some thing. I love how the Soda Stream lets me customize how fizzy I want my water- I like it super fizzy so that it almost burns when going down – and also cuts down on the bottles and cans in the recycling bin.
Also last year, I went on a trip with a girlfriend and we came across a bar which served non-alcoholic drinks that were basically fizzy water mixed with fruit flavored balsamic vinegars. I became immediately obsessed. The sour tang of the vinegar combined with the slight fruity sweetness was just the right hint of flavor to make plain fizzy water feel special. Luckily, the bar was attached to a place that sold flavored balsamic vinegars and I bought several bottles to bring home. My favorites right now are white balsamic peach and blackberry ginger balsamic.

16. Sides from the freezer: I used to be quite snobbish about frozen/ prepared foods. This year, I embraced the brilliant convenience of pulling something out of the freezer, applying heat and having a side dish for dinner. The two things that changed my mind this year: tater tots and frozen edamame. These were two things we always love eating when we go out to eat, and it had never occurred to me that we could enjoy them at home too. Well, no more. They’re in regular dinner time rotation now.

17. Pizza dough from the Italian Deli: This is something the Husband discovered this year – that our favorite Italian deli also sells pizza dough. And it’s far better tasting than the pizza dough that we made at home. While there is something really satisfying about making our own pizza dough, it requires a degree of forethought that we don’t always have come the end of the week when we have our pizza and movie night. The pizza dough from Felippos bakes up beautifully and makes homemade pizza night so much easier. And that’s what we want on a Friday night – easy.

18. New favorite snack, Bobo Oat Bites: I saw these at Costco one day and picked up a box. I’m always looking for new snack options and I liked that these were vegan and gluten free. They are basically dense oat muffins with a dollop of jam inside. I always feel like oats make for a really filling snack and will keep the hunger at bay longer, though I don’t really have any real basis for this thought. These oat bites became my go to after rehearsal snack – portable, filling, and just a little sweet. I will say, the eleven year old did not like them – I think she thought they weren’t sweet enough. Oh well, more for me!

19. Favorite new easy protein, Marinated Beans – I found this recipe for marinated beans in Jenny Rosenstrach’s new cookbook The Weekday Vegetarian (another of my 2022 Better and Brilliant things). I was looking for an easy vegan way to have a protein always ready, particularly for when I came home late at night and wanted something quick. The vegan equivalent of standing in front of the fridge door eating lunch meat out of the package, if you will. These marinated beans were packed with flavor and so versatile. I could toss them in a salad, or with some grains, or just eat them on their own.

BETTER AND BRILLIANT MEDIA I didn’t include books in this – just tv, movies, and podcasts that made life better for me last year.

20. Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries – This was my number one favorite show last year. Cozy murder mysteries, stylish costumes, an intrepid and madcap heroine, an uptight yet kind hero, just a hint of romance simmering. I am so sad they only made three seasons of this show. I watched it on Hoopla via my local library.

21. The Puberty Podcast – Most of the parenting podcasts out there are geared towards younger children. This podcast is one of the few that are focused on older kids. I love that it approaches parenting older kids with a blend of science and empathy. They explain what the physiological changes are and also how to navigate tricky subjects with tweens and teens. And I love that they will often give me the text I need to communicate with my kid. I find often advice books tell you how to approach your kids, but just not the words to use to take that approach. The episodes on body hair, periods, and how to talk about sex with your children were so eye opening to me, and I have used those podcasts to have conversations with my kids.

22. As It Happens – When I was growing up in Canada, we would listen to As It Happens every evening after dinner, an interview style news program on the CBC. Last year I discovered the podcast version of As It Happens and I listen to it every night as I make dinner and it reminds me of my childhood. I wouldn’t call As It Happens hard hitting journalism, but there is something really straightforward and empathetic about the subjects they choose to interview – it’s not always the people who are in the thick of an event – it might be an academic expert, or someone who lives in the adjacent building. What I love is that on this show, it’s okay for the guest to say, “I can’t answer that” because the interviews aren’t really about uncovering the truth, but rather shedding light on the humans behind the story. This show actually drives the Husband nuts because he thinks it is too subjective.

23. Family Movies: We watched some really great family movies this year, ones which weren’t animated features and which also managed to keep all three kids interested. (Well, the 3 year old has minimal interest unless it’s Frozen, to be honest). I feel like these kinds of movie that don’t get made anymore – the true family film that wears it’s heart on its sleeve and is full of positive messages. Some of my favorites we watched this year: Akeelah and the Bee, Secondhand Lions, A Little Princess (1995), Cool Runnings, and Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. (I’ll always take more suggestions!)

24. Long Thoughtful Conversation Podcasts: One of my favorite indulgences is to go on long walks while listening to a good long conversation – you know, those conversations where two people talk about life and living and our place in the world. My go to podcast for this was On Being, the original “What does it mean to be human?” podcast. On Being went on a little pause last year- though they will be back this week! In the meantime, I’ve discovered The Ezra Klein Show, Design Matters with Deborah Millman, and 10% Happier with Dan Harris. Although I will note, listening to these podcasts always makes me grateful that I have the luxury of being able to contemplate the existential life.

25. Bloggers – I started this blog in 2020, and just wrote quietly for a while, keeping in my own little internet corner. I think for the first year or so the only people who read were my mother and an old mentor/colleague. I loved reading other blogs, getting a glimpse into other people’s worlds and thoughts and philosophies and practices. Even still, though I love reading comments, I never really commented myself. All those blogs with lots of comments seemed like such a different level than my vomit of thoughts and recollections and life accountings. I think I’m a pretty private person and very slow to put myself out in front of the world. (Which maybe makes it ironic that I have a blog?). I don’t know what changed, but last year I started leaving comments here and there. I think I was really moved by all the thoughtful things that people were writing about, and wanted to respond to that. And the more I read the comments in other people’s blogs, the more I grew to love the sense of community and engagement that I saw there. And lo and behold, people started visiting on my blog, even leaving pensive comments and bits of humour and words of support and advice. The reciprocity of thought continues to feel like a gift every day and with every post. Discovering that I don’t write in a vacuum has definitely made the list of things that made 2022 Better and Brilliant and Beautiful. I hope you continue to visit and I will do likewise.

What’s making your life better and brilliant these days?

Venn Diagrams of Life

a large cupcake shaped balloon, with the words Happy Birthday written on it. — Birthday balloon, and Birthday Girl.

In the Venn Diagram of Motherhood, with one circle being “Utterly Devoted Mother” and the other circle being, “Mom that drops the ball”, I found myself squarely in the overlap earlier this week, standing in the Giant grocery store at 8:30pm, the night before the ten year old’s birthday with a pre-inflated Happy Birthday balloon in one hand, and a ginormous bag of Takis and a slightly smaller bag of Cheetos cradled in my arms.

Because even though I had written in my December Aspirations List “Plan Birthday Party”, I utterly failed to do it. I don’t know why I have a mental block about this. Well, I can think of a couple of reasons:
1- I hate making decisions. And a birthday celebration is a myriad of decisions.
2- Her birthday is two weeks after Christmas. I know the flip of the calendar to a new year is a societal construct, but 2023 seems so far away during the tail end of 2022.
3 – Birthdays are just … not my thing. So it’s hard to prioritize them.

But… I love my family and my family loves Birthdays. So there I was at Giant. Why Giant? Well, I got stuck at work til 7:20pm, and by the time I got to Party City at 7:50pm, ten minutes before closing, the doors were already locked. Now I get that the last thing an underpaid sales associate wants to do ten minutes before closing is inflate eleven balloons; I don’t blame them entirely. But still… There might have been some cries of utter despair in the parking lot at 7:50pm.

Feeling defeated, I headed to Giant, since it was still open, and I figured – I didn’t get the kid a present, but I could still get her a bag of Takis. She would love a giant bag of Takis! Buying my kids Takis also fall into a Venn Diagram as well. One circle being “Things that make my kid happy” and the other circle being “Things that aren’t Legos”. Legos are great and full of creative possibilities. They also hurt a lot when you step on them, and are very frustrating when your younger siblings mess with them when you’ve only completed bag 3 of 6.

Luckily, Giant happened to have balloons, maybe not eleven, but they had some nice large foil ones. Only, there was no one working who could inflate the balloons. More cries of despair. I mean I’m already feeling pretty lame for a) not planning a birthday event, and b) deciding that a bag of Takis was a perfectly acceptable birthday present. Way back when, I used to get the oldest roses on her birthday, one rose for every year. But then, you know what? Roses are expensive, and they just die. So I stopped doing that. The very nice manager at customer service apologetically delivered the news that there was no one available to inflate my chosen Happy Birthday Unicorn-shaped balloon, but there were some pre-inflated balloons tied to the magazine displays at each register, and maybe one of those would work. There was one, a 36″ cupcake, that I thought might be okay, though it didn’t seem at it’s peak inflation point, but by this point it was 8:45pm and beggars could be choosers and all that.

Now you may ask, why am I the one running too and fro trying to make it look like I actually planned a special ~~day~~ evening? Well, that’s another Venn diagram of motherhood – one circle is “Mom guilt”, and the other circle is “Loves my kid.” And in the middle is “impulsive purchases.” The Husband, on the other hand, had only one job – the ten (soon to be eleven) year old wanted the Husband’s Kung Pao Chicken for Birthday dinner.

(Side note: It has come to my attention that my children like to eat meat and the lack of meat at the dinner table has not gone unnoticed. Just the other day, I had this exchange with the kids:
Mom: Do you guys like to go camping?
Five Year Old: Yessssss!
Mom: What’s you’re favorite part of camping?
Five Year Old: We get to eat meat!
Apparently Meat beats out campfires and fresh air and smores. )

So the Husband would make kung pao chicken, and I was at Giant.

It was all fine. It’s all fine. I’m a little salty that it feels like a lot of work for very little credit – which probably explains this little internet pity party, I’m throwing myself. It’s just that evening Giant runs are not like the type of thing where I can say to my kid, “See how much I love you? I stood in line for a balloon and Takis at 8:30pm on a school night!” (Though I do constantly remind her that I let the doctors cut me open to bring her into the world. Gah! I hope I’m not scarring her for life.) Aside from the fact that I don’t want to burden her with my mom guilt, I also don’t want to admit how utterly unprepared I was for her birthday. And at least I got to go home and kiss her goodnight before bed. There were many people working at the Giant that still had many hours left in their shift.

So here’s another Venn diagram from that evening: “People who are kind to me” and “People who work very late hours at the grocery check out.” And the nice folks at Giant are squarely in that overlap. And I’m grateful.

Favorite Gifts

Okay, I will say something that will make me sound horribly ungrateful and spoiled: I don’t like when people give me presents. To clarify – I’m always touched and honoured when people give me presents; that I deserve the time and attention it took for them to think of me is flattering. But the actual moment when a wrapped or bagged something is handed to me … I don’t love that. I find it awkward. Usually I’m caught unawares. I don’t like having to pretend to like something that I think is an odd gift- I have a terrible poker face. And I’m a little picky about things that take up space in my life. Also, I don’t like being the center of attention for that one moment. It seems like such a public situation for a gesture that feels oddly intimate. I think in my ideal world, presents would be quietly left at my door – a pleasant, private surprise.

My family of origin is pretty big on just giving money. Twenty dollar bills slipped into a card, a red envelope pressed into my hand at the end of the visit, even something on a larger scale like paying for me to go to college. They do give things sometimes, but more often than not, it’s money. I’m sure part of it is that money is easy to transfer, no transport or wrapping required. Not having to struggle to put it on a plane home. Also, it’s the most practical gift, right? Impersonal, perhaps? But if you think about it… it’s personal in an impersonal way. The Red Envelopes say to me, “I love you, and I know the best thing I can do for you is to give you cold hard cash because that’s what you really need.”

I’m also going to say, I love the Husband, but his presents don’t fall into the category of “favorite gifts.” They are more in the category of “gifts I love because I use them every day.” The Husband gets me gifts that are practical. Usually he replaces my electronics because I’m very slow to replace it myself. He doesn’t give romantic presents, but I make it hard for him. I don’t like flowers, I don’t wear jewelery. While I will eat most chocolate, I like picking it out for myself. I keep an Amazon wish list, but I’m always saying to him, “Don’t buy that thing on the list – I was just bookmarking it for reference later.” Very helpful of me, I know. Okay, I hate to say it… that’s the main thing… I like picking things out for myself. Part of me thinks, there are so many things I like and would pick out for myself yet am hesitating on getting because I don’t feel ready to have it in my life yet – why would I want this other thing that someone else picks out for me. Which is why the Husband and I keep gift lists. gah. I feel like I’m coming off as really petty and ungracious here. I love the thought and care that he puts into thinking about what I need and what I like, I really do. He doesn’t always get it right, but he does put a lot of thought into it.

All that to say, getting presents makes me pretty uncomfortable. I’m working on my ability to not look gift horses in the mouth and just feel fortunate and savor the giver. Over the years, there have been some gifting experiences that have really stood out. I read a Vox article this week on gift giving. The experts in the article present these three questions for choosing a thoughtful gift:
“Can I introduce someone to something they would not otherwise know about? Can I give them a nicer version of something than they would buy for themselves? Or can I make them feel seen?”
Check one of those boxes, the article says, and you’ll probably have a good present. I think the favorite present that I’ve received fall into that last category of “being seen.” When I think back on all the gifts that I’ve been given, the ones that have moved me the most are the ones where I felt like someone was really paying attention. So here are three of my most memorable gifting experiences as a recipient. There are definitely more, of course, but these three are particularly special to me. And only one of them happened on Christmas.

The Best Opening Night Present: Opening night presents are a thing at my work. Often it’s chocolate or some consumable. There have been a few standout ones for me: I had one stage manager who gave us Playmobile pirates because we were working on a show set on a British warship. And there was one boss who gave us all copies of the film Groundhog Day because about 90% of the rehearsal process was spent on one twenty minute scene and we had to do that scene over and over and over and over until the director felt like we got it right. It involved moving a lot of tables to reset for the top. One show, the director was from New York before he went home for the day off before opening, he asked us, “Do you want anything from New York?” I said, jokingly, “Those bagels from H&H are really good.” And on opening night, he came in with a huge bag of everything bagels! “The whole train smelled like everything seasoning,” he told us.

But by far my favorite opening night present came from a director, Andrew, who sadly passed away last year. I had worked with him several times in a couple different cities and on this show I was his Assistant Director. On opening night, he was passing out bottles of wine. He had impeccable taste and it was top notch wine. Wine is a pretty common opening night present. I don’t drink myself, but I always bring the wine home and have it with guests or use it for cooking. We have a shelf of opening night wine in our basement. When he got to me, however, Andrew handed me this Tupperware container. Inside was a huge chunk of Roquefort cheese. “I knew you didn’t drink,” he told me, “So I asked you husband what you liked. And he said you liked stinky cheese. So I went to the cheese shop and asked for the stinkiest cheese they could give me. And I put it in Tupperware so you could carry it home safely.”

I loved so many things about this. First that he knew that I didn’t drink so he wanted to get me something else. (I have literally gotten a card on opening night that said, “I know you don’t drink, but take this home to your husband.” It was from a dear friend of mine, but the note was not tongue in cheek at all.) And then he contacted the Husband. And I love that the Husband knew exactly what would make me happy. And the Tupperware was the best touch. I still use that blue rimmed Rubbermaid container and think of him. It was the best opening night present ever.

The Berry Bowl: I love hand thrown pottery. It’s such a functional way to incorporate art into the every day. There is a pottery group near me that always had a holiday sale in December and I loved going and looking at all the pottery, often buying gifts for family or friend there. One Christmas, my good friend Kristen and I went to the Holiday sale. She was looking for something for her parents. There was a berry bowl that I kept staring at, then I’d move on, then I’d come back and stare at it again. It was a pretty humble brown berry bowl, but something about it really attracted me. Maybe it was just the idea of having a berry bowl. I could see myself filling it with berries, rinsing them off, letting the water drain, and then snacking on the berries one by one… in the morning for breakfast, in the afternoon, while reading a book… I wanted to be the kind of person who put enough care and intention in their life that they would have a berry bowl, rather than my usual process of just dumping the berries in a regular bowl, dousing them with water, and then draining the water through my fingers, always loosing one or two berries into the dirty sink in the process. But at the same time, it seemed like one of those super specific things that … why? Why do I need a bowl just for berries in my life? Anyhow, towards the end of the afternoon, my friend said, “That berry bowl would be perfect for my parents. Can we go back and get it?” I said yes, happy that someone would get to have something as frivolous as a berry bowl.
We walked to the car, and I hugged my friend good-bye, “Merry Christmas!” I said. And she said, “Merry Christmas. This is for you.” And handed me the bag with the berry bowl in it. “You really seemed to want it,” she said.

The Hand Made Paper Flower: This one isn’t a Christmas gift either. It was the first week working on a new show and I had a meeting scheduled with the prop master the next day to go over all the props for the show. I was also having a miscarriage. The prop master came into my office to confirm our meeting. “I have to re-schedule,” I told her, “I have an appointment tomorrow.”

I must have looked upset, or something because she asked me, “Are you okay?”

And because I think people should not have to hide these things or pretend like it’s nothing, I said to her, “I’m having a d&c tomorrow because I’ve miscarried.”

And she said, “Oh my gosh I’m so sorry. Do what you have to do. We’ll look at props whenever you’re ready.”

When I came back to the office two days later, I found a bouquet of yellow paper flowers on my desk, stuck in a ginger beer bottle. No note or anything. I was too numb and exhausted to feel anything other than a flutter of gratitude for her quiet gesture. Her acknowledgement that I just went through something hard really helped me not feel so alone at work that day. Because I didn’t really want people’s words of sympathies or looks of pity or co-workers walking on eggshells around me. I just wanted life to carry on as normal even when it didn’t feel that way. Afterwards, I thanked her for the flowers, and she said, “I just wanted to do something to brighten your day.”

This prop master no longer works at the opera, but the flowers are still on my desk and I think of her whenever I see them.

What has been your favorite/most memorable/cherished gift receiving experience?

The false dichotomy of strengths and weaknesses

I was having a conversation with a friend a couple of months ago and she was lamenting how her children don’t let things go and are constantly saying how things are fair because of this small thing or that small thing that happened ages ago. “They hold on to every detail,” she lamented. Then she said, “And I think they get it from me. I remember everything and keep revisiting and bringing it back up.”

I turned to her and said, “But you know what? That memory for detail… that’s what makes you amazing at your job!” I wasn’t just making that up to make her feel good – she has a job that requires her to hold lots of dates and times and rules and protocols in her head and she has to make these details fit together so that everyone can get what they want without violating any rules or incurring unnecessary expenses. This characteristic that she saw as a weakness was also a great strength of hers.

It reminded me of one time when a director gave me a compliment by calling me a very “nurturing” stage manager. (Let’s forget for a minute how sexist that compliment might have been.) She went on to say, “You really go out of your way to make sure all the singers feel comfortable and are able to do their best work.” I was really not sure whether or not I thought of “nurturing” as a good trait – in my mind, that instinct to be nurturing was also the same instinct that made me seek consensus, which would often lead to indecision. And I’ve always felt like indecisiveness was one of my weaknesses. I am always full of admiration of stage managers who just know the exact right thing to do.

Here’s a thought, though – what if our greatest weaknesses are also our greatest strengths? I don’t mean it in a falsely modest way – like how in job interviews you say something like, “My greatest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.” Rather, it seems to me that framing personality traits as strengths vs. weaknesses creates a false dichotomy. In so many instances the things that makes us strong or successful can also be the things that blind us to other things and set us up to fail. Confidence and hubris, for example. Being kind and being overaccommodating. Or here’s a doozy – loving someone and being vulnerable.

Our characteristics are all two sides of the proverbial coin. They are who we are, how we solve problems, how we interact with other humans, how we place ourselves in the world, how we pace ourselves in the world. Simply… how our brain just works. Rather than thinking of these traits as a weakness or strength, maybe we can just think of our traits as how we translate personality into action, into who we are.

These traits – they aren’t “strengths” or “weaknesses” but rather the unique ways that we are human.

What “weaknesses” can you re-frame today?

Not crying at naptime.

The three year old has been going to daycare since September, so three months now. She had been home since she was born with my parents or an occasional sitter coming to watch her when I was working. Understandably, I was a little nervous about her starting daycare; she’d never really spent an extended amount of time in a classroom setting. How would she deal with other children? With teachers? With mandatory nap time?

Well, the first day, she walked right into the classroom, without nary a backward glance. A friend of mine, a former preschool teacher, said to me afterwards, “It means that she was ready to be out in the world.”

Of course, there have been a handful of teary drop-offs since then. Inexplicable mornings when she clings and cries and doesn’t want me to leave. Or at least they are mysterious to me. I’m sure she has her reasons for feeling vulnerable and clingy those mornings.

It is a little bit of an adjustments to go from being with a child all the time to only seeing her in the mornings and evenings. There is so much to her day that I don’t get to witness, so many lightbulb moments that I miss. She can now count and recognize shapes and letters. I certainly didn’t teach her that. But I’m grateful that someone else is.

Every day when she comes home from school, I give her a big hug, and I ask her, “How was your day today?” (I know such a vague open ended question is exactly the kind of thing parenting articles tell us not to ask, but it slips out before I can think of anything else.)

And every day she says with excited pride, “I didn’t cry at nap time!”

I don’t know what goes on at school that not crying at nap time is the highlight of her day, but it always makes me laugh when she says it.

At her parent teacher conference two weeks ago, I asked the teacher about this, wondering, “Does she usually cry at naptime?”

“Well,” they answered, “The first week, she did. She found naptime hard. But now she does really well at naptime.”

I thought about it in the days afterwards, and and, really… not crying at naptime – it actually seems like a pretty good barometer for how one’s day is going. When the things that used to be a struggle are almost mundane, it is easy for these previous challenges to fade into the mist and for our minds to adapt to a new, higher bar for a “good day”. Things like remembering to pay the bills on time, or making the bed in the morning morph into bigger tasks like estate planning and having the house spotless and it’s easy to feel daunted. Sometimes, though, it is good to remember when those low bars once seemed really high, and to celebrate one’s continued ability to hurdle them.

Here’s wishing you a wonderful (American) Thanksgiving week, where there is no crying at naptime.

Musings on Things in Translation

The five year old, I think I’ve mentioned, is in a French immersion program at school. The teacher does not speak English to the children at all, and all the signage, and lessons, and what not are in French. Their specials are in English, but otherwise it’s full immersion. It’s been really interesting to see what bits of language he comes home with. They have learned numbers and and letters and colours. “Red” is “rouge”, as it should be, but “blue” is … “blue”, the difference between “blue” and “bleu” subtle enough not to register with him, especially when spoken. Interesting too, is when he comes home and asks me what certain phrases mean. Of course, to him, they are not separate words, but just a long string of syllables.

“What is ‘luvaylama’?” he asked me the other day.

“I’m not quite sure,” I say. And I ask him to say it more slowly. After several times, I finally get it: “Levez la main.” Raise your hand. I’m not a linguistic researcher, but I do find it fascinating that our brains must at some point learn to break down strings of syllables into separate components. When the baby was younger, I enrolled her in all sorts of language studies at the University, and one of them centered around when children started to differentiate forms of speech. They would play videos of various nonsense syllables and at some point, apparently, kids, even though they don’t know what a word specifically means, will recognize if something is an action word or a “thing” word.

And then there is the wonder of seeing how the five year old’s brain comes to understand things based on context.

Last week, he asks me, “Does ‘Pas maintenent’ mean ‘I don’t want to answer that question?'”

“Pas maintenant“, literally means “not now“, but in a way, the five year old’s understanding, if not literally correct, probably captured the spirit of the way he heard it. And in his interpretation, I could suddenly see clearly how the teacher might have used that phrase – I could picture her trying to get twenty-five kindergarteners to line up for lunch and one child trying doggedly to ask something, and the teacher telling that child, “Pas maintenant!”

Seeing the little guy grapple with language and puzzle it out in his brain really hits home the idea that language doesn’t operate in a vacuum.

Switching gears – Four Haikus for Thursday:

Chaotic morning
Multitasking results in
Scraping off burnt toast.

The hours are long
from 4pm til lights out,
Interminable.

This sick day, restful.
The invalid now restless
Clearly recovered.

The view was lovely
And briefly seen. Shivering.
Should have worn more clothes.