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Weekly Recap + what we ate

I’m really glad we got a picture of the tree at our old house last week. This week when we went over, the tree had dropped its leaves and the branches were sparse. We spent Saturday afternoon washing windows and raking leaves. The eight year old got to use the leaf blower – which was hilarious to see, but also really made me feel proud of her.

This week was the first week all month that the eight year old had a full week of school. So no big adventures this week, but rather five days of slog and small moments. Small moments such as:

– Lunch breaks at the playground in 60 degree weather.
– The baby figuring out so many things: waving, taking her dirty dish to the sink, putting dirty napkins into the laundry bin, putting her shoes away. getting her shoes out of the bin when she wants to go outside.
– Zoom chat with moms from my mom’s group. Almost all our babies are now one, and I’m really glad for such a supportive group of women.
-Standing date with my friend/roommate from college. Realizing that we’re so much better at life than we were in our 20s and 30s. Being able to laugh over things like period products.

Conversation I had with the Husband at 2pm on a Sunday:
me: Why does it feel like it’s 4:00 in the afternoon?
Husband: Because it’s dark outside. That’s what happens in the fall. You’re usually in a theatre this time of year so you don’t know that this happens.
me: !

Which speaking of which – I found out this year that the shows I had scheduled for late spring have now been cancelled. So I haven’t any glimmer of stage management work for at least the next year or so. It’s a tough blow, but I also feel so lucky that it isn’t as devastating for me as it is for so many of my colleagues. Staying home with the kids full time is not really what I’m suited for, but it is also somewhat of a luxury.

This was the last week of drawing class. We were given carte blanche for our final project. I chose to draw the Husband’s childhood home. Three years ago, when his parents passed away, he sold the house. I took a picture of it, thinking that one day I would find an artist on Etsy to make a drawing of it as a present for the Husband. Instead, last week I decided to tackle a picture of the house myself. I was inspired by another student’s hatch and cross hatch project. She was the only one do do that assignment in ink and I loved how detailed and crisp her picture was. I wanted to do something in the same vein.

There is always a point in every project that I did for this class when I realized that I’ve perhaps chosen a subject that is a tad ambitious and I feel in over my head. But then I just keep plugging away and somehow, magically, the lines coalesce into something recognizable.

With this picture, it was the roof. I knew that drawing every tile was probably the best way to go, but doing something that detailed seemed so daunting at first. But I just turned up the show tunes and kept plugging away, one row at a time, and it somehow turned out okay. I’m going to miss the weekly drawing assignment, even though it definitely took up a large chunk of my evenings. I’ll be looking for new evening projects – I do have some mask making to catch up on, and I did promise the Husband to make him a pair of lounge pants. And more writing. And reading. And finishing the blanket that I started for the baby last year. And that programming course I signed up for. And also the Science of Well being course. I guess there is no shortage of projects.

Surprise discovery of the week:
One day, in a fit of cleaning, I decided to clean out behind the fish tank cabinet. It was a mess of small pieces of toys and puzzles. I fished around blindly behind the cabinet, clearing stuff out, then my hand came across something hard and dry and stuck to the floor. I picked it free and it turned out to be… a dead fish. There was no small amount of screaming. The Husband’s theory is that the fish managed to jump out of the fish tank at some point while the lid was open. Poor, sad fish.

A more pleasant surprise discovery, however:

We discovered this pumpkin, growing in the garden. The Husband stays that it is a volunteer – maybe planted by an animal who ate last year’s jack 0’lantern off our porch and then naturally deposited the seed in our garden.

This week’s simple pleasure: Toast with butter. Something about the crispy exterior and chewy interior of perfectly toasted bread, slathered with creamy, salty butter – perfect for autumn mornings. Or afternoons. Or really any time.

What We Ate:

Saturday: Hmmmm…. I can’t seem to remember. I think it was something out of the pantry because we didn’t get to the grocery store that day.

Sunday: Poblano and sweet potato tacos from Dinner Illustrated. Our oven is still broken, so I made these partly in the toaster oven and partly in a skillet. The eight year old made the guacamole.

Monday: Stuffed pepper skillet. Basically everything I would put into a stuffed pepper (ground turkey, rice, tomatoes, cheese) but in a skillet with peppers cut up rather than than used as a vessel for the filling. I also threw in mushrooms and turnips.

Tuesday: The Husband cooked. He made mac n cheese from scratch and coleslaw. The kids loved the coleslaw.

Wednesday: Wings, Fries and leftovers. Not what I had planned, but we had a last minute change in plans which involved picking up wings and fries from one of our favorite pubs.

Thursday: Chicken farro soup in the InstantPot. Sort of made this one up. Carrots, celery, onions, garlic sauteed in the InstantPot, then add chicken broth, a can of fire roasted diced tomatoes and bone-in chicken thighs.

Friday: Pizza and The Gardener. The Husband was in the mood for something gentle at the end of the week, and this documentary fit the bill. It tells about the creation of Les Jardins de Quatre Vents in Quebec. The children were (surprisingly) fascinated by the lush vistas and garden scenes. There was a part of me that kept wondering about the wealth and privilege that brought about such a landscaping feat.

Weekly Recap + what we ate

The ups and downs of kite flying. A metaphor for the week?

It’s been a week. I feel a little cynical whenever people call say, “This is an historic election.” or “This is an important election.” or something similarly dramatic. Because isn’t every election historic? And important? But there was definitely a confluence of things that made this election season feel not the same old same old.

Saturday was Halloween. We started the day by going on a hike with my friend Kristen. I bribed the kids with hot chocolate, which I put in a vintage Thermopot that the Husband’s parents had had in their basement, and we drank after the hike.

Given the COVID situations, we did not go out trick or treating that evening, but I felt like the day still needed some commemoration. So we strung up the candy corn lights and put out the jack o lantern. The eight year old had this game changing idea to put battery operated string lights inside the Jack o lantern. Brilliant! I didn’t have to try to light the tea candles or worry about things catching on fire. And the lights were purple, which gave a really cool glow.

Despite having made costumes for the kids, they did not put them on. Instead, we tried out our fire pit (smoky, not as warm as I thought it would be.) We put a bowl of candy out on the porch, but I think the only person who took a piece was the mail carrier, who was strangely delivering mail at 7:30pm. Mail slow down indeed.

The weather was beautiful all week. Monday was warm yet windy. We took advantage of the 8 year old’s 90 minute lunch break to fly a kite at the nearby park. This is that park that was under construction these past few months and when we went to check out the diggers on Monday morning, it was complete! The orange fencing was taken down and it was ready for play. The lunch break trip to the park might become a more regular part of our routine.

The double swing in action! I think you are actually supposed to stand on the swing on the right.

The eight year old had Tuesday and Wednesday off school. Election Day is typically a day off for them, and Wednesday was an added planning day for the teachers. I had joked that I should have taken them to a cabin in the woods and gone into a media blackout until things shook out. Instead, I took them hiking in the Shenandoahs.

If I thought too much about it, taking three young children hiking my myself was probably ambitious.

“Just don’t let anyone fall off a cliff,” The Husband said.

I packed sandwiches (peanut butter and jam and peanut butter and bananas) and lots of snacks and water. A couple diapers, a change of clothes for the two younger kids. And oh, yes, a thermos of hot chocolate. Which seems to be the bribe of the moment. I found the eight year old’s camera that morning, quickly charged the battery, and gave it to her to capture what she wanted.

It took about two hours to get to the Shenandoahs. We stopped at a picnic area for lunch and then headed to Stony Man Trail. With the baby in the hiking carrier, and the three year old carrying the backpack of snacks, we headed up the mountain.

It was a relatively moderate hike, and the view at the top was spectacular, though a little scary. I definitely had visions of the Husband saying to me, “I told you not to let anyone fall of a cliff.” At the top, we had our hot chocolate, still steaming as we poured it from the thermos. It was a very good bribe.

I was really fascinated during our hike of all the scrappy and resourceful ways things manage to grow. These trees, for example – they thrive in, what to my eyes, is an unusual way. But perhaps it isn’t that unusual, when things are left to their own devices.

Upon our return Tuesday night we stayed up to watch the election returns. I remember doing the same thing four years ago, and going to bed feeling so defeated after Pennsylvania was called for Trump. We let the kids stay up until about 10:00p. There is a fine line between watching election results as civic education and watching election results as entertainment. With the flashy maps and graphics and fast talking commentators, the kids were certainly riveted.

As much of a nail biter as the election was four years ago, it was even more so this year. There was a certain nerve-wracking tedium to the slow trickle of election returns. At a certain point in the evening we started watching the Law and Order marathon on WE. I went to bed around 1am, with several states still counting.

The counting went on all week. It definitely dominated the news cycle. To think that the answer to “Who will be the President?” was out there in these millions of slips of paper that people were counting. I feel kind of inspired to look into being a poll worker for the next election.

This week in art class, we work on stipple technique. When she was explaining the technique to us, the instructor said that it was a somewhat time-consuming technique and to make sure to plan our time well to finish the assignment. It was indeed time-consuming, and truth to tell, somewhat tedious. But at the same time you couldn’t let your mind wander or you would over stipple and, since this was a project in pen, mistakes were irrevocable. You can see evidence of that in the toe of the boot on the left.

The assignment was to draw a pair of shoes. I loved seeing the variety of shoes that people drew. I ended up quite liking this assignment. It was mentally challenging and visually interesting. I definitely wanted to try it again.

Baby milestones this week: She started waving. So adorable. She also started wearing shoes this week. They are the same shoes her brother wore when he started walking!

Other pretty things: This week in the preschool curriculum that I’m loosely doing with the three year old, we are learning about mixing colours. One of the activities combines mixing colours with practicing pouring skills. The three year old loved this activity and it kept him busy for at least half an hour. LUckily the weather was gorgeous enough to do this activity outside. And I thought it was rather pretty too!

What We Ate:
The Husband offered to cook this week! I still did Sunday, but he did all the rest.

Saturday: Sausage sandwiches

Sunday: Salmon burgers from Dinner Illustrated. I think we ate these with cut up veggies.

Monday: I can’t for the life of me remember….

Tuesday: Breakfast Sandwiches.

Wednesday: Carnitas and Nachos.

Thursday: Butternut squash soup, salad and chicken sausages.

Friday: Pizza and Oliver and Company. Cute movie. Innocuous and short. It was the three year old’s turn to choose. Usually he chooses to watch The Stinky and Dirty show unless we intervene suggestively. Which we did this time. I’ve been borrowing movies from the library and it’s been working pretty well.

Weekly Recap + what we ate

I feel like this picture of my hand pretty much sums up a lot of my week.

First, there is the burn mark from where I splattered hot roux on my hand while making gumbo. That hurt like a motherf-cker. I now understand why boiling oil was used as a lethal weapon during medieval times. It could absolutely be a lethal weapon in current times. Despite the fact that every single gumbo recipe I read had some variation of the phrase, “Be careful not to let the roux splatter….” I still managed to do it.

Then there is the streak of pink nail polish from the late night when, as I was reaching for my toothbrush, I knocked a jar of nail polish on the floor, shattering it and splattering pink nail polish across our white bathroom tile. You know that horrific feeling you have when you look at a mess and realize how un-clean-up-able it is? Yeah that. I managed to find a jar of nail polish remover and got most of it off the tile. It is still imbedded in the grout, however. And I’m sure inhaling nail polish remover at 2am did wonders for me.

Then there is the general ugliness of an eczema flare up. I’ve had eczema on my hand since just after my oldest was born. When I went to the dermatologist about it he said, “Well, my suggestions would be to get a platinum wedding band and also to stop doing the dishes.” While I could totally get behind those two suggestions, I thought they were a little impractical. I stopped wearing my wedding ring and started wearing gloves to wash the dishes instead. Anyhow, the eczema tends to rear it’s head with the slightest provocation; stress, hormones, diet… Who know why, but it’s been particularly bad lately.

Which is all to say my right hand is kind of a mess right now.

Other things this week… We took family photos. Lessons learned this time around:
1) It’s all about the accessories. I think I tried on everything in my closet, but couldn’t decide what to wear. I finally settled on a very uninteresting grey dress and was decidedly lukewarm about it. This was about half an hour before I had to leave. But I decided that blah was better than nothing. But as I was getting my shoes on, I remembered – I love hats. So I put one on and then added a scarf and suddenly I loved my outfit. Hooray!
2) No one will wear what you want them to wear. And it doesn’t matter. I spent so much time trying to pick the perfectly coordinated a but not too matchy outfits for a cool fall afternoon. And then it was 78 degrees. And the eight year old decided that she didn’t want to wear the original dress because she wanted to save it for Halloween. And the three year old wanted to wear his pink panda crocs. The baby didn’t fit the original dress I picked and did fit in a cute outfit that didn’t go with my carefully curated colour scheme. Agh! Next time I’ll save my mental energy and it can be a free for all.
3) Take the picture of the kids first. We left the group picture of the kids for last, and by then the baby was losing her shit. I’m pretty sure in all the pictures she is either eating a goldfish cracker or bawling her eyes out. Next time, I think we’ll make sure to do the kids pictures first. Maybe even start earlier in the afternoon and have the Husband come later.

This week in drawing class we worked on value. That is to say lightness, darkenss, and shadows. I feel like charcoal makes every drawing look better. This assignment really challenged me to to look at light and dark as not stark opposites, but rather as gentle gradations leading to each other. I’m used to thinking shadows are dark, but really they often aren’t the darkest things in an image.

I call this one “Still life with child” – note the three year old’s contribution over on the right.

Lately while working on my drawing assignments, I’ve been listening to Elaine Paige On Sunday. It’s a radio show about musical theatre hosted by one of the super stars of musical theatre. There is something beautifully unironic about musical theatre – the bold wearing of one’s heart on one’s shoulder is probably considered unfashionable these days. Having big feeling is no longer cool, it seems. Any how, I’ve been loving listening to this radio show, even periodically singing along. I’d forgotten how many wonderful, clever, powerful, heartfelt songs are out there. I’m also enjoying hearing what is current in the musical theatre world. I’m (shockingly!) unfamiliar with Hamilton, but I think perhaps I will put it on my “to listen” list.

Another fun thing – One day the Husband and I went to the appliance store to look at ranges. The trip was shorter than anticipated because the store we went to had only one double oven on display and it wasn’t one that we were interested in. So here we were with some unexpected free time.
“Let’s go get milkshakes,” one of us suggested.
“And fries?”
“And fries.”

So we got milkshakes and fries from Five Guys and went to sit at the park. Salty hot fries dipped in sweet, thick milkshakes is one of my favorite food indulgences.

After we finished our shakes and fries, the kids went to play on the playground. I put the baby in a swing, which she loved with all her baby joy. Then the three year old came over and wanted on the swing. But there was not bucket swing available. So I put him on the regular swing and gave him a push. Then, I said to him, “I’m going to teach you something. When you go forward put your legs out. When you go backwards, bring your legs in.”

And he got it! He started pumping his strong sturdy little three year old legs! I nothing else, I have given him this one little life skill.

This week’s to do list:
-pay the bills
-vote.

What We Ate:

Saturday: Gumbo. The cause of the hand mishap. I actually made this on Friday so that the gumbo would have a chance to sit and improve overnight. This was my first attempt – I was trying to find recipes to use up some peppers and celery and I’ve always enjoyed gumbo at restaurants, so I thought I’d give it a try. Aside from the scalding roux, it was very straight forward to make, and ended up being quite tasty. Not sure if it was authentic at all, but I feel like one shouldn’t let what food should be get in the way of what it is.

Sunday: Cauliflower tacos with homemade tortillas! From Dinner Illustrated. I didn’t have mango, so I made the slaw with apples instead. I think cabbage slaw is one of my pandemic discoveries.

Monday: The Husband cooked. He made Greek green beans, pork, and udon noodles.

Tuesday: Eggplant noodle salad. From the Greens cookbook.

Wednesday: Dumplings and leftovers. We had tried to get wings, thinking that would be a quick simple meal for post photo shoot, but then the wings placed turned out to be closed. So we punted, went home and had dumplings from the freezer and left over noodle salad.

Thursday: Take out banh mi sandwiches. Second attempt at wings, but they were closed again. Bummer.

Friday: Pizza and move – Troop Zero. Movie about a group of scrappy kids who form a girl scout like troop. Full of great performances of quirky, heartfelt characters.

Weekly Recap + what we ate

Ghost sightings on our neighborhood walk.

This week definitely felt like the rut. I had a video chat with a friend and she said that life these days was kind of like, “Lather, rinse, and repeat.”

Halloween is coming up. I’m a little torn about how to mark the occasion. The eight year old loves Halloween, and she has come up with a family costume concept. Last year they all went as characters from The Little Prince – the eight year old was a Rose with a costume courtesy of a costume sale at work; the three year old was the Fox; and the baby was the Little Prince himself – basically a green sleeper and a yellow scarf. This year they will all be weather themed. I’ve finished the baby’s costume, but she will only wear it if bribed with food…

The baby is really into climbing on chairs these days. If the chairs are tucked in or inaccessible, she will pull them out so she can climb on them. I made a comment to the Husband how 75% of my day is pulling the baby off chairs. If I don’t get her off the chairs, she will do one of several things: 1) rock back and forth while holding on to the back of the chair, 2) climb onto the dining table/ her sister’s distance learning table/ any variety of table that is around, 3) get into stuff -the other day she got into my sewing things and started pulling the pins out of the pin cushion, 3) get herself stuck under the table if she hasn’t pulled the chair out far enough, 4) Lord knows what else. I love her persistent sense of exploration, but man is it exhausting to keep up with her. Given that the other two kids were still months from crawling when they were this age, it’s definitely been something I wasn’t quite prepared for.

One thing we started doing is putting the chairs on their sides after meals. It kind of makes our dining room look like the aftermath of battle, with all the fallen chairs.

Being with the kids every single moment, I’m finding myself noticing milestones in more minute ways than before. Like this past week the baby also has started putting things away – if you give her a cup and open the cup drawer, she will put it in. If you hand her her dirty clothes, she will put them in the hamper. I feel like with my other kids, these things seemed to happen more gradually. Perhaps they did, perhaps they didn’t. Either way, I feel like I’m noticing the baby’s lightbulb moments more – the moment when she does something and realizes she did it. And then does it again.

This week’s drawing class assignment was about mapping and siting – that is to say, being able to take proportions and recreate them on the page. We had to set up a still life and draw it. This was mine:

The sippy cup was my initial inspiration – I thought the shape of it would be visually interesting. And from there, I added other feeding adjacent items. But, it turns out that most baby and feeding things are all curves and soft edges. I’m sure there is something purposefully “feminine” in that design, but the homogeneity of line doesn’t make for a very complex still life. So I added the pile of books – which I guess are kind of a feeding item since I do a lot of reading while pumping and nursing. On the whole I’m quite delighted with this little slice of right now life.

I’m really enjoying the two older kids playing together these days. Usually it is some imaginative play session led by the eight year old. Last week, they got good use of the backyard playing things like “Coronation Day” and “Camping”. The latter involved making a “fire” out of overgrown okra pods.

What We Ate:

Saturday: Smoked Salmon and Bagels. It was simple Saturday and this is about as simple as it gets. Bagels, cream cheese, smoked salmon, onions, tomatoes, capers.

Sunday: Squash and Apple Schwarma. Ages ago we had a subscription to a vegan meal kit. At the time, the meal kit’s recipes were being developed by Mark Bittman, which was one of the main draws for my wanting to subscribe. Anyhow we no longer subscribe, but several of the recipes that we got from the kit was still use, this one most of all. It is the perfect balance of savory and sweet and a good way to use up squash.

Monday: Stir Fry Bok Choy, Mushrooms, Tofu. Kitchen sink stir fry.

Tuesday: Pasta with Mustard Greens and capers. This is adapted from Dinner Illustrated. The original recipe calls for broccoli rabe.

Wednesday: The Husband cooked. He made some kind of corn, cheese, one pot thingy that we ate in wraps. It was actually quite tasty.

Thursday: Mac ‘n’ cheese and hot dogs. The Husband made post dance class dinner. Although, I think in truth the eight year old made the mac ‘n’ cheese – it was the stuff in the blue box.

Friday: pizza and Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. It was the eight year old’s turn to choose. She’s been really into seeing all the Star Wars movies. I’m not as into the whole franchise as other people in this house, but I thought this one was pretty good – it was surprisingly funny, which I think is the mark of J.J. Abrams.

On being stuck under a sleeping baby

The baby has been super cranky for over a week. The previously wonderful sleeper sometimes is tough to get down and wakes frequently in the night. So we are back to nursing to sleep.
Just today it occurred to me to check for molars. And sure enough, she has them coming in. On both sides.
Teething is a bitch. I mean if you think about the sheer mechanics of it- teeth must push their way through the gums to emerge. It’s not like the gums part like the Red Sea or any other similar gentle making of the way. No, the teeth forge a path, basically slicing through your gums. The term “erupting” is very apt, I find. And it’s not like your teeth are super sharp and they slice through like butter. It certainly must take a lot of force for these blunt objects to come through.
All of which to say, no wonder the baby has been a fragile, quivering, clingy ball of need these past few weeks. The constant crying has been hard. Something about incessant wailing makes me impatient and irrational. They like to talk about sleep deprivation as a torture technique, but perhaps the constant air raid siren of a cranky baby is one as well.
We do a lot of comfort nursing.
Right now she has managed to fall asleep on me. Her little pink mouth has disengaged from my nipple, and her dimpled hand clutches at my shirt. My left arm is starting to dampen from her sleepy sweat, even as the weight of her head makes that arm start to tingle and go numb. I peer at that sweet head and see the sweat glistening, as if someone had sprinkled craft glitter in her hair.
Part of me is annoyed. It was supposed to be my “night off”, my child free evening while the Husband and kids cleaned up from dinner. I had a to do list that I was going to bang out tonight. But instead I am here- Mama Mattress, human body pillow. Molds to your body shape! The ads all enthuse.
I could use some water.
There is a cricket in the room somewhere.
The eight year old did set me up with a footstool and a pillow before she moved in with her evening. That was nice.
I listen to the sound of the Husband put the other kids to bed. Laughter and stories.
I read a chapter of my book. Answer some emails. Fill out a questionnaire for a baby study at the university.
Much as I feel the burden of being a her bed, every time she stirs, I think, “Please don’t wake up!”

If being nestled here in my lap as we sit in Daddy’s comfy chair… if this means that she is resting and not in pain… then I guess I don’t mind.

Weekly Recap + what we ate

Last weekend the eight year old had first Communion, and so we all dressed up and went to church for the first time in half a year. There was a limit on how many guests each family could bring – which we maxed out just by bringing the other kids. Each family had their own pew and every other row was empty. Everyone was masked. The eight year old was asked to do the first reading, and she did great!

I’m not the Catholic one in the family, but I’ve always found going to church soothing. The getting dressed up, the communal singing (which is now not allowed), and the contemplation. Our church is on the liberal side of things, and I find the homilies are often meditations on how to be more mindful about your actions and reactions. Though these days the two little kids don’t really sit still, so maybe not so soothing and experience in real life.

Afterwards the eight year old got to chose lunch, and she chose Indian take out. We ordered chaat papari, though I was a little nervous that it was going to be soggy, but surprisingly they bundled the yogurt and tamarind sauce separately. Even more bonus, there was more than enough, so now we have extra tamarind sauce in the fridge. Yum!

Monday was a day off from school, so the Husband took the day as well and we went to Longwood Gardens. In pre COVID times we would often go as a weekend trip; we’d book a hotel with a pool, and maybe also go to the Please Touch Museum. This time we took it as a day trip – leaving around 8:30a and getting home just after 6pm.

It was definitely a good trip. We enjoyed fall colour. I like seeing what vegetables they are growing in their gardens. And consequently annoying the Husband when I ask, “Why can’t we grow those?” We saw a frog in the lily pad garden. The chrysanthemums were prepped for planting. The chrysanthemum show is always breathtaking there. I’m not sure if we will get back this year for it, though. And trees. We spent lots of time among the trees.

One thing I’ve resolved to do this year was to take more pictures with the Husband. One of my mentors from my early stage management days sends these wonderful holiday cards and there are always great pictures of her and husband together, huge smiles on their faces. It makes me so happy and inspired to see them. Last year, I realized that I don’t have many pictures with the Husband, the way Mary does. I’m always so busy taking pictures of the kids, with the kids, or of random lovely things in my life. Or of the area I parked in. But no pictures of me and the Husband who is in a lot of ways the most important relationship. So this year, I’ve been handing the phone to the eight year old more often and asking her to take pictures of her parents. She’s taken some good ones and I love that I have them now. The three year old, on the other hand, is decidedly not quite up for the task:

Anyhow, it was good to get out of the house and be outdoors. Longwood is always beautiful, regardless of the season.

Some random thoughts from this week:

I am a terrible decision maker. I contemplate and ruminate and pro and con and go back and forth. This week, I came across something in Carolyn Hax’s column (second letter here) that really was eye-opening for me. The advice Hax writes is so clear eyed and wise and I really love reading her column and her live chats. She wrote, to a letter writing contemplating two career options: “When careful research shows neither option is clearly superior, that could be the definition of a tough decision — or the opposite. If neither is clearly right, then neither’s clearly wrong.” I have terrible FOBO when it comes to decision making; there is something freeing in this realization that if there is no perfect decision, then there is really no wrong decision either. I’ve been reframing some things lately – rather than saying, “There is no perfect solution here.” I’ve been saying, “There is no wrong solution here.” And it helps me move on a little sooner. I still obsess. But maybe with a little less anxiety and a little more grace.

Election season is ramping up. Last week was certainly one for the history books. We watched the presidential debates, which one commentator called “The worst debates ever”. It was really disheartening. And then the President tested positive for COVID. What a crazy week for the news cycle.

Every Wednesday, after piano lessons, we get breakfast sandwiches from Mr. Jay. The eight year old is in charge of calling in the order. Well two weeks ago when I went to pick up sandwiches, I had mentioned that it was the baby’s first birthday. This week, when I went to pick up the sandwiches, he gave us a present for her. It was so touching.

Loving this single little curl at the nape of the baby’s neck. I want to bottle it and keep it forever!

This week’s drawing class homework was to draw and area of the house over several days, layering one day upon the other. I chose our living room sofa. Each class begins with us all sharing our work, and I loved how this assignment seemed to really encapsulate pandemic living. One of my fellow students did a lovely piece of the front door with the coming and going of Amazon packages.

The assignment was inspired by a project that Joan Linder did where she drew her kitchen sink over a number of weeks. Exploring Linder’s work, I came across this series she did of baby gear, and I found it quite inspiring, the art and lines that she found in these things that are so utilitarian.

What We Ate:

Saturday: I’m not sure we had dinner. I think we were full from the Indian food at lunch. Maybe we had sandwiches?

Sunday: Cilantro Chicken with Tortillas and cabbage slaw. The recipe for the chicken came from our church cookbook, and it was basically cilantro, onions, spices, garlic whizzed together in a blender and poured over chicken. The original called for the chicken to be baked with the sauce, but given that our oven was broken, I stuck it all in the Instant Pot and it was tasty. This was also our first attempt to make corn tortillas with the tortilla press that I had ordered and it was easy and fun and really delicious.

Monday: Wendy’s on the way home from Longwood Gardens. Haven’t had this in a long time, and I have to say, one of the foods I miss most during quarantine is french fries.

Tuesday: Spinach Orzo with Pork Chops. The Husband cooked.

Wednesday: Sweet Potatoe Chicken Curry from Dinner Illustrated. We have an overabundance of sweet potatoes.

Thursday: Ratatouille. To use up some peppers and zucchini.

Friday: Pizza and Bride and Prejudice. Fun take on Jane Austen’s classic.

Haikus

Baby broke a bowl.
Handmade shards crashing to the floor
when I looked away.

Baby unravels
toilet paper. Unspooling
my sanity too.

Grinning self portraits
flood my photo stream, my phone
left unattended.

To Justice Ginsburg
Waymaker for equality
Our daughters thank you.

One!

A year ago this week, at 6am on a Monday morning, the Husband and I walked the three blocks to the hospital and checked in to Labor and Delivery. It was my due date, and given that I had to be at work five days later, I thought it best to induce rather than wait it out. Six hours later, we had a new little one in our lives.

That little baby is now one. She has spent about half her life in quarantine, but she doesn’t know that. Her life, her world, is encompassed by all that is around her. And in that, she finds plenty to explore.

Her belly button alone is proving to be a great source of fascination to her. A few weeks ago, we were sitting on her bed, she was just in a diaper, and somehow she managed to poke herself in the belly button, her little finger tip going into the little divot. And then, kind of like sunshine, this look of awareness came over her face, and she giggled. And did it again. Since then, whenever she is hanging out without a shirt on, she will give her belly button a little poke, as if to say, “Yep, still there!”

She is a determined child, curious and up for any challenges. Her love for pulling the dirt out of the Husband’s potted plants, and for emptying all the kitchen drawers that she can reach certainly leaves a trail of debris in her wake.

She loves to be held, observing the world from up high, with this slightly judgy pucker to her lips and brow, or craning her neck to get a better view of whatever else is going on around her. Usually it is some antic that her siblings are pulling. They make her laugh, her sister and brother. Sometimes by accident, often intentionally. “Make the baby laugh” is a much enjoyed pastime around here.

People often ask me, “What is it like with three kids?” And, to be honest, one year in, I don’t think it is much different than having two. Not because my kids are magically easy, by any means. Rather it is because most days I feel like I only have the bandwidth to keep track of two children at any given moment. In the early days of three, it was usually the two year old and either the baby or the eight year old, depending on who was hungry and who was asleep.

That balance has somewhat shifted these days. Usually it is the mobile, dare-devil, no sense of fear baby that requires the most attention, and either the self sufficient now three year old or the independent eight year old that float in and out of my attention span. Either way, I only have a finite number of hours in my day and three children fill the day just as full as two children. There are moments (days, weeks, months, lifetimes, I’m sure) when I feel as if no one is getting what they need, least of all the Husband or myself. But then I realize that someone will always be needing something. Need is infinite. But you know what, so is love.

Weekly Recap + what we ate

Fall seemed to arrive this week. We turned the air conditioner off and opened the windows, letting a breeze blow bracingly through the house. It actually got downright chilly. I’ve put apple picking on my list of things to do in the next few weeks – I think it might make a good Wednesday afternoon activity.

Sleep was rough this week. A combination of staying up too late so I can work on projects without children underfoot, and the baby waking in the middle of the night and having to be nursed back to sleep. I’m hoping it’s molars and that she will be better at sleeping soon. Teething is such a disruptive phase, but then when one thinks about the process of teething – basically these razor sharp objects piercing your gums from the inside to the out – one thinks, how can it be otherwise.

This week, I dropped off a couple of mini fridges at a local charity. The fridges had been in the basement – our “beer fridges” – but we had replaced them with a full sized fridge last month. In these crazy COVID times I had to book a drop off appointment a month ago! I took the three year old with me to drop the fridges and run a few other errands. As we drove through down town, he exclaimed in wonder, “Look at all the places!” It was adorable and heartbreaking.

I signed up to take a drawing class through the local community college, and this week was the first class. Several times a year, the community college continuing ed catalogue lands in our mail slot, and I flip through it, thinking it might be nice to learn something new. Taking classes, particularly evening classes is not really compatible with a show schedule, so it’s always been kind of a wistful thought. This year, with encouragement from the Husband, I decided to take advantage of the convenience of classes being taught through Zoom and my unemployed status, and signed up for a class.

There were a couple of different classes I contemplated signing up for – some more practical than drawing. Appliance repair, for example. Computer programming – probably beyond me, but could provide a good career pivot if needed. I chose drawing. I had thought about taking watercolor class, but then decided I wanted to start with something fundamental.

So I ordered art supplies and pads of paper larger than any art I can conceive of, and on Wednesday afternoon, I logged into class, along with twelve other students. The class is mostly made up of retirees (including two former middle school teachers), with a couple of thirty-something computer programmers as well. There is one elderly couple taking the class together. They have not figured out how to mute, and listening to their old married couple banter was one of the most delightful parts of the first class. Being back in a formal learning environment was definitely odd. There was a certain receptiveness that my brain took on that did feel like dusting the cobwebs off something that had been tucked away for too long. We even had assigned reading and homework.

Speaking of appliance repair, the dryer at my parent’s rental house stopped working so I spent a morning waiting for the service tech. Watching him take the dryer apart, diagnose, and remedy the issue was kind of fascinating. Maybe I will take that appliance repair class after all. It would certainly pay for itself over the years.

All it took was a screw gun! I can do that!

The Husband took Wednesday afternoon off, and after my drawing class we took a trip to the Agricultural Farm Park. I had brought the kids here earlier in the summer, and it was great to see it again in a different season. The dahlia garden was still going strong, but a lot of other things were starting to be put away for the season. We saw only a handful of people there while we were there; instead of people we saw large stretches of blue skies and corn.

What we ate:

Saturday: Black bean and red pepper quesadillas. I also had some shishito peppers from our produce box that I threw on the griddle and blackened to eat alongside.

Sunday: Thai Basil Chicken Lettuce Wraps. From America’s Test Kitchen. It was a little too spicy and the kids ended up having peanut butter toast for dinner.

Monday: Stir fry – tofu, bean, eggplant, red pepper. A clean out the produce drawer meal.

Tuesday: Black lentil dal and Paneer Biryani (from Indian InstantPot). I’ve made paneer a couple of times, but it always had turne out crumbly. I finally bought a paneer/tofu press. It is not great for tofu pressing, but my paneer turned out great this time.

Wednesday: Called an audible when we drove by a favorite sandwich place on the way home from the Agricultural Farm Park. Sandwiches and onion rings.

Thursday: Mushroom Leek Crostata from Dinner Illustrated. Though the Husband and 8 year old grabbed Five Guys on the way home from dance class. I have a great weakness for french fries,, and they brought me some. It wasn’t as good as when you each them fresh and salty and hot, but it was still pretty tasty.

Friday: Pizza and wings while watching Star Wars: The Last Jedi (8 year old’s turn to pick). Carrie Fisher – such an elegant lady. I think she was my favorite part of the movie.

Life Right Now

Life right now is…

A cycle of “when was the last time you ate/peed/had a diaper change?” and “When was the last time I ate/peed/changed a diaper?”

Is a toddling baby who makes joyful squawks, each outburst asking a question that I don’t know how to answer.

A climbing baby, persistent in her efforts to scale kitchen chairs, requiring vigilance on my part.

Distance learning and all its difficulties and distractions.

Virtual playdates. A balm, but not a solution for loneliness.

An endless to do list, yet days that seem to have no direction.

A preschooler who makes me question the accuracy of that term for a little guy who won’t forseeably be in preschool.

Wondering what the fine line is between “free play” and “neglect”.

A broken oven, necessitating baking only treats that can fit in a 9×9 pan in the toaster oven. Brownies (from Ghiradelli mix, bought in bulk from Coscto), lemon bars, granola bars. Some loafs fit too.

The perfect combination of sunshine, cool weather, and bracing breeze.

Reveling in the cooler weather and my morning cup of tea.

Having to constantly run the tea kettle because morning mayhem means the cuppa has cooled every time I get around to taking a sip.

Reaching for a pen to endorse a check and only being able to find crayons. Broken crayons at that.

Soup season. Cozy, warm, and filling. Also a good excuse to eat crusty bread.

Sewing masks for a church project.

Pumping milk. Not for the baby, who has refused a bottle since she was four months old, but rather for the milk bank to give to babies in the NICU.

Reading books beautiful, sad, fluffy, comforting, uncomfortable, uplifting.

Binge watching tv- also beautiful, sad, fluffy, comforting, uncomfortable, uplifting. This show manages to be all of those.

Wandering around to the side yard and finding a perfect rose blooming, having forgotten that we even had roses planted there.

Soft, round, cool, kissable baby cheeks.

Soft, round, cool, kissable three year old cheeks.

Soft, round, cool, almost at my eye level eight year old cheeks.

Devastating news, and needing to have room in my heart to grieve, honor, rage, and resolve.

Trying to find patience and empathy.
Often failing.

Trying to banish FOMO and jealousy.
Often failing.

Loving the chaos, if not the mess, of quarantining life with three small children.

Hoping to remember what is important.