A few weeks ago, I signed on to a free online parenting class offered by the Parenting Encouragement Program. It is supposed to be a seven week course, but I could only make one night out of seven. The class I went to was about rituals and routines. At one point the class leader asked, “What routines do you have that make you feel grounded?”
I found myself raising my hand. “What do you mean by ‘grounded’?” I asked.
I can’t for the life of me remember exactly what the response was, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot during this busy busy season. To me, it means those things that make me feel stable and human. Those things that, when it seems like life is out of control and I’m starting to spin in my head, those things that remind me that we are human beings, not human doings. Rituals and routines that give me a bit of mental space so that I have the capacity for more inputs.
I do feel silly about how hard I found this past week. I mean I make opera; I don’t perform heart surgeries on babies. It’s not life and death. (I mean, not literally.) But it was a hard week, mentally and physically for me.
When I was writing the title of this post, asking myself, “What things ground me this week?” I thought – well, to be honest, tech really ground me to a pulp this week. Isn’t there a beautiful irony in that? The things that make me feel grounded are the things that I really need when life is grinding me up and spitting me out.
Here are a few things:
Tea in a mug. I often bring tea in my travel mug, but lately I’ve been re-discovering the tactile sense of connection of drinking out of a mug, the heat seeping into my hands and warming all of me. Drinking hot tea, strong and steaming, pulls me into a moment of just being and feeling present.
Short hot hot hot hot showers. I’m not a shower every day kind of person. I’m not even a shower every other day person. But this past week, I found that three minutes under a steaming hot blast of water was cathartic. I would drag myself up in the morning, after getting home past midnight. Sometimes during tech I decide sleep trumps showers. But these days I have to be up to pack lunches anyway, so I get up, feeling like the hard hard rehearsal the night before was still clinging to me. And even though I barely had time in the morning, I turn the water on super hot and jump in the shower, just long enough to breathe the steam and feel the sting of water burning my skin. And came out feeling like I’m going to make it through the day.
Classical music on the way into work. I have an audiobook for my long commutes to the theatre, but this week, on the way in, I just wanted to listen to classical music – I wanted the soothing, wordless melodies – anything with words would be too much. My mind could trace the musical lines as I listened, but also my mind could wander and problem solve and think about the day ahead. I think while part of being grounded is about being fully present in the moment, there is part of being in the moment that is also about thinking of the problems ahead. The challenges of the day are also part of the present moment. I know that people talk about mindfulness as being in the now, but I think the now is also made up of aspects of past and future as well.
Holding my son’s hand. The seven year old is in my show. (Which, on reflection, wasn’t a great idea for the family – it’s certainly has pushed us to activity capacity and the late nights have messed up a lot of things.) Some days he comes to the theatre before the child minder is on duty, so I take him out to the house with me where he sits in the seats behind me as I put cues in my book. He holds my hand as we walk around backstage and that little warm firm grasp reminds me that here is a living breathing human that I somehow pushed into the world, and how awesome is that?
The routine. Getting up in the morning and packing lunches – two slices of bread, two slices of cheese, two slices of ham. Apple, sliced. Five slices of cucumbers. One cookie. Feed the kids. What is important right now? Not obsessing about how to fit in 40 minutes of chorus break in a 4 hour rehearsal, but rather, packing this lunch so that the kids aren’t hungry at lunchtime. I don’t know how I’m going to fit in all those breaks, but I do know that we will get in the car at 9:55am to catch the school bus at 9:06am.
Expressing gratitude. For the Husband, for good colleagues, for the fine weather (that I don’t get to see). For being so very damn lucky that I get to make opera for a living.
What grounds you these days? What is grinding you up these day?
I’m writing this post as part of NaBloPoMo – click on the icon below to see who else if participating. You can also leave me questions for an upcoming “Ask me Anything” post via this link. Happy reading and writing everyone!
If you’re visiting me via NGS’s website and my guest post there – hello and welcome! It was kind of a freak coincidence that I guest posted on two blogs a week apart, but that’s mostly because I knew that if I didn’t get a guest post written before I went back to work mid-July, it wasn’t going to happen, and I very much wanted to make it happen. At any rate – I suspect most of you read NGS’s blog already, but if you don’t you should – she writes in a bracingly honest manner about books, every day routines, her adorable dog and cat, and life’s conundrums big and small. My guest post there celebrates her twenty (!) years of blogging by naming twenty operas I love. Thanks for having me, Engie!!!
Last week, my cousins came to visit, and it was deeelightful! By cousins, I mean my father’s oldest niece K and her daughter E. So K is technically the one who is my cousin, but in Mandarin, I call her “older sister”. I guess that makes E my second cousin? Anyhow, they came and it was heavenly. They played with the kids, read them book, had mediation sessions with them (!), and taught them how to make all sorts of Taiwanese treats. It was like they ran a three day Taiwanese summer camp for them out of my house. The kitchen was constantly buzzing while they made things like di gua yuan – little balls, made of yams (or taro) and cassava flour -they’re kind of the same texture as boba, but bigger, and you eat them in a sugar syrup or over shaved ice.
These purple ones are made with taro.
Shaved ice. My cousin brought us a shaved ice machine. Taiwanese shaved ice is a lot finer than a regular snow cone and comes with a wide variety of toppings. We had shaved ice with condensed milk and the taro balls, but you can also do it with red beans, fruit, boba… It’s a nice treat.
They did such a good job of taking turns on the shaved ice machine!
Onigiri. My cousin also brought a little mold to make these seaweed wrapped rice triangles. The four year old loved making them, and called them “Sand Castles” because you pack the rice in the mold then push out a perfectly formed little triangle, like you would a sand castle.
Rice Triangle – perfect pool food! The 7 year old did not want seaweed on his, so he just has rice, vegetables, and pork floss.
AND they picked up around our house. At first I was a little embarrassed by how my Cousin was constantly tidying our very messy house, but then E told me that Cousin K LOVES to clean. I realized that she is a tidier and it made her happy to be able to make our house a little nicer, so I leaned into it and just decided to be thankful and happy.
On the last night of their visit, we went to Hot Pot, and then ice cream. It was one of those sticky summer nights, made even more sticky by the heat and drippy ice cream cones, but the kids didn’t care. They played on the fake grass, running around and doing cartwheels. Which – the four year old can do a half decent cartwheel. I hadn’t known she could do that. What a charming surprise the first time I saw her flip her legs in the air and kind of land on her feet.
All in all it was a wonderful visit!
Other things on my mind… Going into this summer, juggling swim team season was one of my biggest worries, but with two weeks left, I think we’ve gotten the hang of things, so I wanted to write future me a note about what is working/what is not working currently with the current swim/evening routine. The current breakdown:
3:30/4:00pm– start prepping dinner for the pool and packing swim bag. Make sure 12 year old eats a snack. This worked well when I wasn’t working, but it’s going to be tricky when I go back to work for the last two weeks of swim team season. It might be a lot of food prep and take out. 4:30pm– kids hopefully home from school/camp, we all put swimsuits on. 4:45pm– drive to pool. 5:00-5:30pm– little kids go to their pre-team session/ 12 year old and I swim. She’s trying to teach me how to do a handstand in the water :). 5:30pm– pool time free play. I make the kids stay in the pool until adult swim or else we lose a bit of momentum. 5:45pm– adult swim – we get out of the pool. The 4 year old and 7 year old eat dinner. The 12 year old eats another snack if she is still hungry. 6:00pm– we are all back in the pool- big pool or baby pool, depending. 6:15pm– 12 year old moves to swim team practice. I continue pool free time with the two littles. 7:15pm– I get the 4 and 7 year old out of the pool- they take showers and get into their pjs. I take my shower while they are getting dressed. 7:30/7:45pm– 12 year old done practice. We head home. 8:00pm – home. This is where it all goes south a little. ideally, the little kids can brush their teeth and go straight to bed. But often they want to stay up or have another snack. The 12 year old eats the rest of her dinner. I hang up swim sits and clean out lunch boxes, scroll a little on my phone. On Fridays, we come home and have pizza and watch Glee, kind of our summer version of Friday pizza and movie night. 9:00pm/9:30pm – The little kids go to bed. Hopefully. Requires some cuddling/book time from us. This is on the later side, but I figure it’s summer so things slide a little bit. 10:00pm – the 12 year old goes to bed. If I haven’t already fallen asleep while cuddling with the little kids, then I do some more pick up/scrolling/sometimes I watch some tv with the Husband. Eventually, depending – I go to bed.
My current pool bag pack: -Two towels – one for me and one extra (I’ve been using Turkish towels – I love them because they are thin and pack well.) -Two hooded towel/ponchos, one for each little kid. I found these in the bargain bin at Bed Bath and Beyond last year. Love them – so easy to just pop on the kids. – Space Bag with goggles (kids and mine), and pool toys (it varies, but currently water guns and mini beach balls), and a nose plug for the 7 year old that he wears intermittently -Space Bag with pjs for the kids and change of underwear for me. -my rash guard -Sunscreen (Spray and lotion) -Shampoo/body wash and conditioner -lotion -a book -The two little kids have swim vests, but they are in charge of bringing those themselves.
The pain points I’m finding in the current routine: -The big one is that we don’t get to eat dinner together as a family. I realize that we don’t eat dinner a whole lot together when I’m working evenings, so this shouldn’t be a big deal, but I do feel like the Husband is missing out a little bit. BUT we still do pizza and Glee on Fridays, and actually there is no swim practice on Wednesday nights, so we do have dinner together on Wednesday nights.
-I wish I had a different pool bag. I have one of those Classic L.L. Bean Tote bags that are ubiquitous. It used to belong to my Mother-In-Law, and it’s certainly a workhorse, but it’s really awkward for me to carry. The handles are a too short to sling on my shoulder, so I have to carry the bag by my side, which is ungainly when the bag is full and knocking against me. (Though I hear that carrying things at your side is ergonomically better.) I feel like this is the kind of thing I will just be vaguely annoyed at for three months a year and just live with. What I really want is for the two little kids to start packing and carrying (and remembering) their own stuff for the pool. Then my bag would be lighter. (The 12 year old has long been in charge of her own stuff.) Maybe next year is the year I get the two little kids their own swim bags.
-I wish I could take some time to just swim laps. I know swimming is great exercise, but I have to always be watching the two little ones because they still are not strong swimmers. In my ideal world, the 12 year old would watch them during adult swim, but she wants to hang out with her friends and I want her to do that as well. At any rate, it’s kind of a non-issue right now because the weather so hot, there are mandatory pool breaks for everyone, so even the grown ups have to get out of the pool during adult swim. One day, though, I aspire to be able to swim laps. Maybe one day if I don’t have to be at work until later, I’ll sneak in a quick trip the pool on my own.
-I don’t think I’m packing a big enough dinner for the kids and certainly not enough vegetables. Pool dinners are all about what is easy to eat, portable, and appealing to the kids. So it is a combination of whatever fits in the thermos and snack food. I’ve been letting the kids pick a “pool snack” each week, which is usually chips or some kind of salty snacks. Which, is there anything more summer than a bag of salt an vinegar chips eaten by the pool with wet fingers? anyhow, I feel like the pool dinners I pack aren’t ideally balanced and the kids are still hungry when they get home. (Or they are trying to delay bedtime?). Still need to figure this one out.
-There is no time for anything else with the kids. So no picking up, no practicing piano, no chores. Which I think is not the worst thing for summer, but the house is getting gradually messier and messier and I end up staying up late to clean and revenge bedtime procrastinate.
BUT I remind myself that there are only two more weeks left of swim team, so this is just a busy season right now. Because we are lucky, especially in the 90+ degree heat we’ve been having, to be able to go to the pool and cool off in the evenings. It actually feels wonderful. So I’ll live with the messy living room and chlorine scented skin and rack of constantly damp swimwear in the sunroom, because there is a lot of joy and fun to be had these days as well.
On the Flip side – the things saving me this pool season: – Thermos and lunch box. I gave these a shout out last week, but these have been great for packing dinners for the pool.
-Everyone Lotion. My brother introduced me to this brand last summer. I’ve never been brand loyal to any one lotion, but I really like this one. It’s unscented, and not too thick and not too runny, and rubs in cleanly and isn’t too expensive and doesn’t have too many ingredients. This is what we use to keep our skin from drying out from pool water and frequent showering. We have the large bottle and then decant into a smaller bottle for the pool. I’ve also been using their kids’ body wash/ shampoo as well.
-Rash guard and goggles. In an act of adulting, I finally bought myself a rash guard and a pair of goggles. I’ve never been into rash guards because I don’t like pulling a wet bathing suit over my head. But then I realized if I wore a rash guard, I wouldn’t have to put on sunscreen on my arms and back. So when I saw this zip up rash guard hoodie on sale at Lands End, I decided to try it. Friends, what an amazingly sensible thing to wear! It keeps me protected, even my neck when I pull up the hood, and it keeps me a little warmer in the pool. I don’t know why I resisted sensible things. Same with goggles. I have terrible eyesight so I always just wore my sunglasses in the pool. But then I bought a pair of tinted goggles to help with my attempt to learn how to do a handstand, and again, wow! What a practical thing! I learned that I don’t really need to see too precisely in the pool and that I can put my head underwater and that I actually find being submerged kind of relaxing.
-Drying rack – The kids only have two sets of swim clothes, so we have to remember to hang up our swim stuff right away so that it will dry for the next day. I love our drying rack. I used to dry things in the bathroom, but they dry so much more quickly in the sun room. And I pretend that the drying clothes are contributing a nice moist air for all the plants in our sun room.
-Swimsuit cover up – Last summer, I bought this hooded swimsuit cover up from a booth at a festival. The booth primarily sold Turkish towels, and they also had beach cover ups made from the same material as their towels. I love this cover up – it is substantial enough that I can wear it with or without my bathing suit underneath. It’s really soft and comfortable. There’s a hood, for when I want a bit of protection for the back of my neck. And if I put it on over wet clothes, it absorbs most of the water, no glaringly awkward wet patches. It’s one of those things that seem pricey at the time, but I’ve worn it four days a week for the past month, so it’s been worth it.
This is the one I have, but in blue.
-Showers at the pool. Something clicked this year and the 7 year old has decided that he wants to take showers rather than baths. Yay! We’ve never been a “shower every day” family, but in the summer with sweat and sunscreen, we definitely need to up the bathing game. One of the best thing about evenings at the pool is I have the kids shower and get into pjs once we are done, so we arrive home clean and one step closer to bed. I love having that one step taken out of our evening routine. (Though I guess it’s just been moved to a different part of the routine…). Also I’m really glad that the kids can get dressed by themselves so that I can grab a shower too. I’ve never been more bathed in my life.
So that’s the swim life set up for us. Whew. It’s a big chunk if our lives right now.
Grateful For: -Finding Uh-Oh Bear! We have a little stuffed bear that a friend gave us when the oldest was a baby (or maybe it was the middle child?). We call the bear Uh-Oh Bear because whichever child had the bear loved to throw it on the floor and say, “Uh-Oh!”. Uh-oh Bear came with us to Maine, but then we couldn’t find him when we were checking out of our last hotel. We thought we had maybe left him in Maine and were really sad about it because Uh-Oh Bear is a very beloved stuffy. (I know I probably should just make the kids leave the stuffies at home when we travel, but they love them so much. Last year when we went to Amsterdam we lost another stuffed bear on the plane. We aren’t great with not losing things…) Well, this week, I was getting ready for the morning when the kids came running up to me, super excitedly yelling, “WE FOUND UH-OH BEAR!!!”. The kids found him in the bottom of the 7 year old’s backpack. Hooray! I mean I have all sorts of questions as to why the 7 year old didn’t empty his backpack like I asked him to when we got home two weeks ago, but I’m just going to be grateful for now that Uh-Oh Bear is back with us.
-Beautiful skies. The weather has been so unbearably hot, but there have been some beautiful sunsets:
-A bit of rain and A Capitol Fourth and a nice chill Fourth of July. My Cousins wanted to watch Inside Out (the first one) before they got on the road home, and it was the perfect, cozy early afternoon activity on a hot day. After my cousins left, I realized that I hadn’t been outside all day, so I persuaded the 7 year old to go out with me – he on his bike, and I for a run alongside him. Just as we stepped outside, it started to sprinkle. I asked the 7 year old if he wanted to just stay home, and he said, no it’s not too much rain. So we went for a rainy walk/ bike ride and it was lovely. And then we came home and puttered and ate leftovers for dinner and then watched A Capitol Fourth. When the 12 year old was little, I worked in Colorado during the summers, and my boss would always have a party on the Fourth of July where we ate food and swapped theatre stories while 1776 played in the background. Her house was on the top of a hill and had a perfect view of the fireworks the next town over. Only the the three year old was scared of fireworks, so we always just stayed in the house. Which is all to say, we’ve never really gone to see fireworks. There are also logistical issues too currently – our County has two firework displays, but they start so late (9pm – I get that it needs to be dark) and the one closest to us, you have to take a shuttle to get to the viewing location and actually isn’t even on the Fourth, it’s the Saturday after. It just has always seemed like a lot of work to go see fireworks. This year, the kids asked to go see fireworks, but I couldn’t wrap my head around going, so we stayed home and, as is our tradition, watched A Capitol Fourth and saw fireworks on TV instead. I actually love our little tradition – we get to see some really great performances, and then see fireworks over the Washington Monument, which is always very patriotic feeling. And then we fall asleep on the couch. Even though we don’t have cable, Capitol Fourth is streamed for free online – another thing to be grateful for. Maybe next year, I’ll think about taking the kids to see fireworks live, but for this year, watching them on TV was kind of nice too.
-Walkie talkies and the hours of play the kids have with them. I had gotten some walkie talkies last year for the kids to take camping, and last week they pulled them out and started talking to each other with them, carrying them with them at all times. There was one day when we went to run errands at Old Navy and the salesperson thought that they had taken the Old Navy staff walkie talkies and told the kids to put them back. It was hilarious and slightly embarrassing. My favorite moment from last week – this moment where I went to the park with the 7 year old – he insisted I take one walkie talkie with me while he held the other. It was a hot hot hot day, and when we got to the park, he sat at the bottom of the slide and just started talking to me on the walkie talkie – just one of those ordinary 7 year old conversations. It made me smile, this moment of him wanting to be far away, but still communicate. There’s a metaphor for something in that.
You can see his little legs hanging over the edge of the slide.
Looking Forward To: -Figuring out kid drop off/ pick up logistics. This one is actually causing me a little bit of anxiety, so I’m going to re-frame it and say I’m looking forward to things all working out. Each of the three kids will have drop offs at different locations – the 4 year old at her usual day care, the 7 year old at camp at a nearby school, and the 12 year old at theatre camp. The 12 year old’s camp is the farthest away and starts at 9am. I’ve paid for before/after care for the 7 year old so I can drop him at before 9:00 am, probably at 8:40p. The 4 year old will get dropped at school at 8:30am. At least that is the current plan. There is also a lot of things for each kid to bring to school/camp – the 12 year old’s camp requires jazz shoes and a pencil and a 3 ring binder and a recording device (see above). The 7 year old’s camp has water play every day so he needs to bring swim suits and a change of clothes and a towel and sunscreen. And of course all three kids need lunches and water bottles. It all feels like a lot right now, so I’m looking forward to when it doesn’t feel like a lot and just feels like routine. Pick up is also going to be hard… will report back on how that works out. (Okay, two days in, and first day we were 5 minutes late for the 12 year old’s camp, second day we were right on time, but that also felt kind of late. We’ll continue to try to do better….)
-Getting my hair cut! I finally achieved my deal with myself where I wouldn’t get my hair cut until I scheduled my well woman exam. And I did that, and now as a reward I’m getting my hair cut this week. I’m looking forward to having bangs again and getting my hair off my neck, and the quicker showers that come with short hair. I’m trying out a new stylist that my friend recommended. I feel bad for not going back to the stylist that I’ve been seeing for over fifteen years, but it’s gotten so expensive to go to that salon – last year when I was there, it was $120, including the tip. This is just a cut – I don’t do colour or anything like that. I feel conflicted about balking at the cost because I do think people should be paid for their work, but $120 twice a year is a lot. And honestly, I like to keep my hair short, so ideally I would go three or four times a year. But then again, maybe it’s not so bad? Would I pay $120 for a dress? I’m sure I have, and I wear my hair every day so if we are thinking of cost per wear … Anyhow, I’m trying out a new stylist. My friend says if it works out with her stylist, we should schedule back to back hair appointments in have a friend date in the future.
– Starting work on a new show! I start prepping for my next show this week. I’m really excited about this show. I am not excited about the commute though – it’s the kind of commute that can either take 20 minutes or 75 minutes, depending on time of day. I’m going to stock up on podcasts and audiobooks and make sure I have good car snacks and cold water on hand. Currently in my listening queue, Oh Beautiful by Jun Yung – which is not the book I thought it was going to be, and I don’t love it yet – and BBC Radio Drama version of Agatha Christie’s Sad Cypress. I discovered these Agatha Christie radio adaptations last year, and I love them – they are all between one and two hours long, and keep me attentive. It’s interesting to me that the audiobook might be 7 hours long, but the radio play is only 1 – so what is lost/what is kept? I guess there are no descriptions of people or places – everything is done with sound effects and acting. So you might not know that the lady is in a mousy brown suit, but what the mousy brown suit tells you about a character must instead by conveyed through the actor’s portrayal.
-Watching more of this, my current “watch while I late night clean” show. I’m finding it eye-opening, sweet and cringey and so so so human. There is one bit where the main character, gender-fluid Sabi meets trans Olympia and asks her when she knew she wanted to transition, and Olympia says, “Every person is constantly growing into a better version of themselves. We’re all in transition.” I love that thought.
What We Ate: Monday: Smitten Kitchen’s Coconut Rice with fried tofu and roasted sweet potato and cauliflower. This is the coconut rice from Smitten Kitchen Keeper which I keep making because it is so delicious. I tried making the coconut rice in the InstantPot this time and it worked out really well. Remember that for next time. Vegan.
Tuesday: Ramen – eaten at the pool. Ramen is a ridiculously easy thing to pack for pool dinner. I added chicken, broccoli, and frozen peas to it to bulk it up a little bit.
Wednesday: Hot Pot Dinner out with cousins K and E.
Thursday: Fourth of July, but we didn’t do anything special – we ate bagels adn other leftovers.
Friday: pizza and Glee. The Husband also made a salad.
Saturday: leftover pizza and Sing 2 and salad.
Sunday: Ramen, leftovers, whatever one could find. Sunday was kind of a random grab bag of things because I think we were just done with structured activities like cooking and eating at this point. We had a swim meet in the morning until 1pm, and then I spent the rest of the day prepping for the upcoming week while the kids did Lord knows what. There were forts and books and lots of chattering and screens – for the two littles I had borrowed these tablets from the library that are pre-loaded with educational games. It scratches that itch of being on a screen without me having to 1) actually buy them a screen, and 2) worry about what kind of inappropriate content they’re going to stumble on. And then periodically a kids would say, “I’m hungry!” and I would find them something to eat and they would eat and them move on then come back and eat some more. It’s funny how much our days are anchored around mealtimes – without any set mealtimes on this day, the whole day felt a little unmoored. But I think that’s okay once in a while.
The two older kids take piano lessons at 7:15am on Wednesdays. When the piano teacher first offered that as a time slot – her only available opening – I thought, it was an alarming idea. But then I thought about it, and actually, it made sense for us. My kids are early risers and they don’t leave for school until 8:00am. Having piano lessons first thing in the morning meant that I could take them, and then we wouldn’t have to figure out a carpool situation after school when I often wasn’t available.
But I’m going to be honest – it is a hard push most Wednesdays to get them there. Getting them up, dressed. Sometimes there is breakfast involved. Sometimes I pick up breakfast afterwards for them as a treat. Making sure they have their books, which should have been put together the night before – there is literally an alarm on my phone at 7:30pm on Tuesday night called “Find your piano books”. And the 4 year old also has to come along for the ride because I can’t leave her at home. So that’s another body to wrangle into the car seat, often still in her pajamas. And for some reason, the children that wake up on their own at 6am six days out of the week need to be dragged out of bed at 6:50am on Wednesday mornings. Needless to say, there are many alarms set for Wednesday mornings at our house.
Getting to 7:15am piano lessons feels especially hard in winter, when it is dark and cold outside as we get in the car. Indeed, the whole thing can feel like some sort of secret stealth mission – bundling into the car while the houses around us are still dark and still, as if we are on the lam or something. Even in the summer when it is light, the quiet expectant air of morning contrasts with my frazzled hurry and I try to make it to lessons on time.
Piano lessons are just a little over a mile away – two left turns and one right. Yet there is always one moment, when we take that second left straight and head straight east, that always surprises me. The turn towards the rising sun is never the same, depending on the time of year. Some days it is still dark with only the faintest hit of dawn. Some days, we drive straight into a blinding sunrise. And I have to squint and concentrate to stay on the road. If I’m good I’ll have remembered to put on my sunglasses beforehand.
And then some days, like last week, as the daylight hours finally begin to lengthen, I take that left and I see the most beautiful golden pink dawn sky, sunrise just starting. The tangled jaggedly trees that line the street silhouetted against the blushing horizon. And it’s gorgeous and it’s just a moment. And I want to capture the sheer beauty of it, but I’m driving and that would be irresponsible and probably dangerous, so I just keep driving and drinking in the pink and I say to the kids, “Look at the beautiful sky!!!” Because I don’t want them to miss it. Because I know that the next week I won’t be guaranteed this sight as I turn that corner, so I might as well enjoy it now.
Anyhow, as I turn the calendar into February, I just want to remind myself to look up as I round those bends because beautiful things might be just around the corner.
This past week has felt like a disjointed mess. Errands. Play dates. Life. Laundry. Dishes.
Everything just felt fraught, everyone was grumpy. Or maybe just me. Then in the middle of the week, it hit me: I was feeling so off because I wasn’t in a place to have any sense of flow in my life – there is no flow in parenting. Flow. That state of total occupation where time seems to melt away. When an activity is just challenging enough to demand total attention and focus. Much ink has been spilt lately on how flow is essential to well being. When I took the Yale Happiness Course (free online – I found it very insightful and tweaked some life habits after taking this course.), flow was cited as important to achieving well being and reducing stress. When you’re in a flow state, you’re in the zone, totally present with a sense of purpose, which makes for a really enjoyable experience.
I think about activities when I find that sense of flow:
-In the Kitchen. Cooking and baking definitely put me into a flow state – the mixing and combining and seeing yummy things manifest.
-timing scores. At work, one of our jobs is to listen to the opera with a stopwatch and mark every 15 seconds in our score. It helps later on to figure out how much time there is between two moments in the show – say, a singer exiting and re-entering, or if we have live flame onstage we can tell the fire marshal how long the torch will be lit, that kind of thing. Timing the score is one of those moment of flow because I have to really concentrate to follow the music and get the marks in the right place. We all know not to bother someone when they are timing a score. And at the same time, I love it because I get to listen to the music and music is pretty awesome.
-mending. Part of it is I’m not very good at mending, so I have to concentrate very hard on it and I find it a completely absorbing activity, and it’s also really satisfying when it is done to know that I saved a piece of clothing for a few more wears.
-Writing here on the blog. I am a very slow writer, also it doesn’t come easily to me. Or maybe I have a lot to say, and like finding ways of getting words out. When I get a chunk of uninterrupted time to write, the time can fly and I’m usually really happy with the outcome.
But even aside from those “fun flows” I get a certain satisfied sense of flow in being able to just get things done. Like bang out all the “internet errand” (bills, registrations, forms, etc.) in one go, or tidying a room, or organizing a closet. I actually think I get a huge sense of flow from cleaning the kitchen late at night after the kids go go bed.
Which all brings me to my realization: There is no flow in parenting. With the kids at home, there was no chance to get through something uninterrupted, no chance to immerse myself, lose track of time. Someone was always hungry, or needed help with something, or complaining about a sibling. And even when the house was quiet – that in itself also disrupts flow because something in my brain would tick and say, “It’s too quiet, what are the kids up to????” I’d sit down for two minutes to get a task done, or roll out my yoga mat to do ten minutes of yoga… and suddenly footsteps, a knock on my door, a small hand tugging on my arm, a voice in my ear, then my train of thought and sense of purpose is shattered. If flow is about uninterrupted immersion, then yeah… there was not flow during daytime hours last week.
The other thing I found interesting in reading up about flow this week, is that researchers say flow is achieved when peak skill level combines with peak challenge level. So if you don’t feel challenged at something you’re not at all skilled at, you’re going to feel apathetic about it. I like the range of states on the chart below:
from this website, but also it features in Laurie Santos’ talks.
And here, I realized, is another reason I find no flow in parenting – Parenting, for me is a high challenge situation for which I have low skills. Empathy and understanding and doing the right thing and having the perfect response – those come neither naturally or easily for me. So there I am right in the “Anxiety” corner of the chart, though I probably hang out more in the “worry” segment. (I also feel this way about work sometimes. ) So not only does parenting disrupt any flow I may have when I undertake an activity, it also does not provide any kind of venue for intrinsic flow either.
I don’t know if I can spin that into a positive – something about savoring my children while I can despite the challenge? Or if I should just live with the expectation that when the kids are home life will feel abrupt and disjointed and fractured and at sea. After all reasonable expectations are also a component to well being. I think it’s perhaps all of it – setting boundaries with the kids, managing my own work load when they are home so that the tasks can be interrupted, and also leaning into those interruptions. That all sounds very idealistic. Well the kids are all back in school as I write this, so hopefully in the hours between 9:30a and 4:00pm, I can regain some sense of the flow that I was missing the past few weeks.
Speaking of being interrupted, I read this article last week about the importance of curiosity and how we can foster curiosity in ourselves and in children and it really struck a nerve with me. This paragraph:
Children also have to feel that they are free to express their curiosity. Adults need to ‘create environments where children know that it’s safe to ask questions, where there are opportunities to explore, where it’s OK to be wrong and to express uncertainty,’ Bonawitz says. In one high-school classroom that Engel observed, a ninth-grader raised her hand to ask if there had ever been places in the world where no one made art. ‘The teacher stopped her mid-sentence with, “Zoe, no questions now, please; it’s time for learning”,’ Engel recounted.
I think I needed this reminder as I felt myself growing impatient with the constant questions from the 6 year old. He’s very into asking the meaning of words these days, and when I’m trying to achieve a flow state, the constant interruptions for word definitions was so irksome. He’s not old enough for a dictionary yet, but even still, another thing the article points out is that research shows that children display more curiosity if the grown ups around them also engage with a curious mind. So maybe instead of just impatiently rattling off a definition to the six year old, we can get out the dictionary together. Time seems like a precious commodity and I definitely feel myself torn between doing my own thing/encouraging independence vs. engaging with my children. It’s a balance – for everyone’s sake. Constantly responding to never-ending demands certainly taps me out, but I do want to respond to my children in a way that will help them grow and learn and, yes, be curious.
Snapshots of the week: – The 11 year old had her mini day at middle school. After all my dilemmas about how she should get to school, she ended up just walking. I followed her to school on her mini day, ten steps behind because I had the two little kids behind me. I was really proud of how she looked at her watch before she set out (she’s wearing a watch!!!), and then took note of how long it took her to get to school. It seemed a very mature thing to do. There a lot of kids who walk, so once she crosses the busy road into the next neighborhood, she’ll have lots of walking buddies. I love seeing how she is thriving with the added independence of middle school.
-We went to the 6 year old’s sneak peek at his classroom. His teacher has such boundless enthusiasm, and I’m excited for his school year.
First Grade Classroom!
– We went to the local botanical gardens with some friends and their kids. We saw turtles and geese. The 11 year old took over my camera and took a bajillion pictures of all the kids in various locations. It was like a fun photo shoot.
-In an attempt to curb middle of the night visits from the three year old, we’ve given her an alarm clock and told her not to come into our room until the first number is 5 or 6. We are having various degrees of success. Sometimes it works really well. Sometimes she comes when the clock says, 2:05, saying that there is a 5 and therefore it is time to get into mom and dad’s bed. There was the one time at 9:22 pm when she got out of bed, holding the clock upside down claiming that there was a 5 and she should not have to stay in bed anymore. Either she’s still figuring it out, or she’s already figured it out, crafty girl.
“But I’m not sleepy” That is 9:47 PM
-Speaking of time – The kids got into my iPad and set an an alarm:
Every day at 8am. It’s good to have the reminder.
-We went to Longwood Gardens on the Sunday before school started. We hadn’t been all summer and the Husband wanted to go, so we bundled into the car, listening to How To Train Your Dragon on the way up and back. We haven’t been to Longwood Gardens in the summer in a while and I loved seeing all the colors of the blooming flowers.
One of the best parts of Longwood for me is always the vegetable gardens. They grow so many varieties of vegetables, and I always love seeing how vegetables look as they are growing, before they get plucked and delivered to the grocery store. My favorite thing this year was the rows and rows of basil, growing so tall . The smell of it all, sun soaked and fragrant, was just pure summer.
I wanted to bury my face in it all.
-It took me a while to find PEACE:
Life lessons from Wordle.
Grateful for: -Siblings. I love that my kids (mostly) get along. They play together. They have the oddest conversations. They hold hands when they walk. They read to each other. They collude against the parents. They encourage each other. Particularly the oldest – she is always encouraging the little ones and can talk them out of a tantrum better than I can. Sure they have moments when they squabble and fight and take each other’s things, but on the whole, the love they have for each other shines so bright. I know you can’t predict how siblings turn out, so I hope they continue to be close as they get older.
-Public school. As I was taking the kids to their various pre-first day activities, I saw all the kids streaming to school and I thought how lucky we are to have schools were kids can go to learn. The six year old is in a French Immersion program that costs us nothing but our taxes. The 11 year old is taking a theatre class as part of the regular curriculum. And I felt grateful not just that my kids could go to school, but that any kid in our county could go to school. I borrowed a picture book from the library last week about two girls who couldn’t go to school because of the hukuo system in China. It’s a system where you have to register your residency in order to, among other things, receive services. Once registered, it is very hard to change so if you move from the rural area to the urban area, your kids aren’t guaranteed a place in the school of your new location. That’s an oversimplification, but the idea that a child would not be able to go to school makes me so sad.
-Public transportation. Another good use of my tax dollars. One day last week, we had another 6 year old over for a play date and we decided to take the bus to the library. It felt so much easier than trying to get the extra booster seat out. I just learned that the 11 year old and the 6 year old can get a bus pass to ride the county bus for free! I’m going to have to put that on my list of things to look into.
Looking forward to: – September. A New Month! I’ve been thinking of habits and routines that I want to try to cultivate.
– Maryland Renaissance Festival! The Husband is going out of town this weekend – he’s going ot the Minnesota State Fiar with a bunch of friends. I guess it’s a bucket list trip for some of them. So a three day weekend with the kids for me. The Husband does not care for the Renaissance Festival, so I usually take the kids without him. For some reason or other he’s often away labor day weekend. Given the number of trips he’s taken with the kids solo this summer, I feel like he more than deserves a trip with his friends.
-Cooler weather. We’ve had a spate of weather in the low 80s and breezy and it’s been lovely. I’m not ready for autumn life happenings (The Hallowe’en stuff is out at Costco already!!) , but I sure am ready for autumn weather.
What We Ate:
Monday: Pasta with tomato and anchovy sauce. Tomatoes from the Husband’s garden. From the cookbook “Cook What You Have” about easy pantry meals.
Tuesday: Egg Curry. I heard about this on the podcast Didn’t I Just Feed you? I would not have thought of making a curry with hard boiled eggs, but this was really tasty and will go into our rotation. The Husband said, “I knew this was going to be good – it’s two of my favorite things: eggs and curry!”
Wednesday: Tomato Chirashi and tuna sushi bowls. The tomato chirashi bowl was from a Washington Post recipe that calls for marinading tomatoes in soy sauce, mirin, fish sauce so that the tomatoes sort of mimic raw fish. I made brown rice with vinegar and added edamame, cucumbers, carrots, and canned tuna and we topped with nori. It was really satisfying and the kids could pick and choose what they put in their bowl.
Thursday: Corn Dogs and bubble tea. We met up with the Husband after work at a Korean Corndog place in the mall for Happy Hour, which turned out to be not a great food choice, but very tasty.
Friday: Pizza (carry out) and Frozen. It was the 3 year old’s turn ot pick the movie.
Satureday: Pizza (again) at a birthday party.
Sunday: Totellini with sausage and red sauce. Pantry dinner after we got home from Longwood Gardens. I wanted something simple and quick and this was it.
In the Venn Diagram of Motherhood, with one circle being “Utterly Devoted Mother” and the other circle being, “Mom that drops the ball”, I found myself squarely in the overlap earlier this week, standing in the Giant grocery store at 8:30pm, the night before the ten year old’s birthday with a pre-inflated Happy Birthday balloon in one hand, and a ginormous bag of Takis and a slightly smaller bag of Cheetos cradled in my arms.
Because even though I had written in my December Aspirations List “Plan Birthday Party”, I utterly failed to do it. I don’t know why I have a mental block about this. Well, I can think of a couple of reasons: 1- I hate making decisions. And a birthday celebration is a myriad of decisions. 2- Her birthday is two weeks after Christmas. I know the flip of the calendar to a new year is a societal construct, but 2023 seems so far away during the tail end of 2022. 3 – Birthdays are just … not my thing. So it’s hard to prioritize them.
But… I love my family and my family loves Birthdays. So there I was at Giant. Why Giant? Well, I got stuck at work til 7:20pm, and by the time I got to Party City at 7:50pm, ten minutes before closing, the doors were already locked. Now I get that the last thing an underpaid sales associate wants to do ten minutes before closing is inflate eleven balloons; I don’t blame them entirely. But still… There might have been some cries of utter despair in the parking lot at 7:50pm.
Feeling defeated, I headed to Giant, since it was still open, and I figured – I didn’t get the kid a present, but I could still get her a bag of Takis. She would love a giant bag of Takis! Buying my kids Takis also fall into a Venn Diagram as well. One circle being “Things that make my kid happy” and the other circle being “Things that aren’t Legos”. Legos are great and full of creative possibilities. They also hurt a lot when you step on them, and are very frustrating when your younger siblings mess with them when you’ve only completed bag 3 of 6.
Luckily, Giant happened to have balloons, maybe not eleven, but they had some nice large foil ones. Only, there was no one working who could inflate the balloons. More cries of despair. I mean I’m already feeling pretty lame for a) not planning a birthday event, and b) deciding that a bag of Takis was a perfectly acceptable birthday present. Way back when, I used to get the oldest roses on her birthday, one rose for every year. But then, you know what? Roses are expensive, and they just die. So I stopped doing that. The very nice manager at customer service apologetically delivered the news that there was no one available to inflate my chosen Happy Birthday Unicorn-shaped balloon, but there were some pre-inflated balloons tied to the magazine displays at each register, and maybe one of those would work. There was one, a 36″ cupcake, that I thought might be okay, though it didn’t seem at it’s peak inflation point, but by this point it was 8:45pm and beggars could be choosers and all that.
Now you may ask, why am I the one running too and fro trying to make it look like I actually planned a special day evening? Well, that’s another Venn diagram of motherhood – one circle is “Mom guilt”, and the other circle is “Loves my kid.” And in the middle is “impulsive purchases.” The Husband, on the other hand, had only one job – the ten (soon to be eleven) year old wanted the Husband’s Kung Pao Chicken for Birthday dinner.
(Side note: It has come to my attention that my children like to eat meat and the lack of meat at the dinner table has not gone unnoticed. Just the other day, I had this exchange with the kids: Mom: Do you guys like to go camping? Five Year Old: Yessssss! Mom: What’s you’re favorite part of camping? Five Year Old: We get to eat meat! Apparently Meat beats out campfires and fresh air and smores. )
So the Husband would make kung pao chicken, and I was at Giant.
It was all fine. It’s all fine. I’m a little salty that it feels like a lot of work for very little credit – which probably explains this little internet pity party, I’m throwing myself. It’s just that evening Giant runs are not like the type of thing where I can say to my kid, “See how much I love you? I stood in line for a balloon and Takis at 8:30pm on a school night!” (Though I do constantly remind her that I let the doctors cut me open to bring her into the world. Gah! I hope I’m not scarring her for life.) Aside from the fact that I don’t want to burden her with my mom guilt, I also don’t want to admit how utterly unprepared I was for her birthday. And at least I got to go home and kiss her goodnight before bed. There were many people working at the Giant that still had many hours left in their shift.
So here’s another Venn diagram from that evening: “People who are kind to me” and “People who work very late hours at the grocery check out.” And the nice folks at Giant are squarely in that overlap. And I’m grateful.
This was supposed to be one of the few weeks this fall where everyone had a five full days of school. But… there was the unfortunate incident of the plane in the electrical tower which caused a huge power outage and resulted in school being cancelled on Monday. Then Tuesday and Wednesday, the baby was sick so she stayed home. So it was a lot of unexpected child care this week.
On Monday, I decided to take advantage of the no school day to take the five year old and the neighbor’s kid down to the Botanical Gardens to see the model trains. It actually worked out well – when we have gone to see the Botanical Garden trains in the past, we’ve had to go on the weekend and it’s always been really crowded. This time, the crowds were very light so we could easily see all the displays. I’m glad we went during the week because the train display was smaller than in the past, and probably would not have been as relaxed an experience if I had to fight the crowds to see it.
Mini Orange Groves. Model of Union Station, all built of plant matter.
Also – there were baby pineapple plants in the bathroom at the Botanical Gardens. I was so charmed by it, I had to snap a picture:
teeny tiny pineapple!
Monday night the baby started running fever, so I kept her home on Tuesday. She spent a lot of time sleeping, thank goodness, and I got some work done. Other than one incident of vomiting in my bed, she was a pretty low maintenance patient. Even still, she ran a fever again on Tuesday night so we kept her home on Wednesday too. Of course she was more her normal, curious, active self on Wednesday, so I didn’t get as much work done. I actually didn’t mind, though – I was reminded of how during the pandemic I was home and it was just me and the kids and we just kind of hung out and went on walks and baked and read books while cuddling on the couch. And while there was a voice in my head that said, “You really should be working on those supertitle slides!” I think hanging out with my kid is important too – for both of us.
Fun new thing – I’m working on supertitle slides for a concert next week, and one of the songs is in Arabic. I’ve never had to work in Arabic before, so it’s been interesting for sure to match up the translation I was given with the text of the song. Thank goodness for Google and Google translate. At first I was so daunted by the whole things and I kept putting off working on this one song, and I had to remind myself that it’s good to have new work challenges.
Moment to savor: One nice thing about earlier winter sunsets is that when I’m waiting for the school bus in the afternoon I get to see beautiful pink and gold skies. Even as I shiver in the cold there some something breathtaking to see.
Moonrise and pink skies.
I’ve been thinking about my morning routine lately, mostly because there’s been no morning routine this past week and a half. And when there’s no morning routine, habits fall through the cracks.
I’ve been reading B.J. Fogg’s Tiny Habits, and he has developed a method for building habits that can be summed up as: 1) finding the smallest things you can do, 2) finding a prompt to do that small thing, 3) celebrate doing that small thing to make yourself feel good for doing it.
The part I’ve found most helpful is 2), finding a prompt and I’ve been trying to incorporate more prompts in my daily life. There are lots of good behaviours I want to encourage, but I struggle with finding a routine. So I’ve latched on to the idea of finding prompts for things as a reminder to do (or not do) something. For example: 1) The five year old used to wet the bed at night at least once a week. This was mostly because we forget to tell him to go the the bathroom before bed. Also- the ten year old was always leaving things in her pockets, causing havoc on laundry day. So now, after we brush our teeth (prompt – more specifically, after we put our toothbrushes back), the five year old goes to the bathroom and the ten year old empties her pockets. 2) I have a terrible habit of checking my phone at stop lights, and I decided I needed an alternative activity. So now every time I get to a stoplight (prompt), I do kegels until the light turns green to keep me off my phone.
Anyhow, I had set up a series of prompts in my head for the morning, and for a variety of reasons (holidays, the oldest has a morning writing club, just being tired), I hadn’t been doing these things. Rather I was just relying on memory and instinct to do them. My ideal morning prompt/habits would be:
– The Husband leaves for work. The moment the door shuts behind him, we all go do our morning teeth brushing. -The ten year old leaves to walk the baby to the neighbor’s so they can take her to school. The moment she leaves, I do a ten minute yoga video. (In Fogg’s world, the tiny habit would be – the moment the door closes (prompt), I lay out my yoga mat (tiny action.)) I particularly liked this one because the five year old would do it with me. -I take the kids to the school bus. When I pull in wherever I need to go after (work or home), as soon as I turn off the car, I do my daily Wordle and Duolingo.
(I still would love to figure out a prompt for journaling… maybe I need to put the journal by my bed and do it as soon as I wake up? I think this is also where routines and habits blend into each other.)
Anyhow, the morning brushing, yoga, Wordle, and Duolingo weren’t getting done this past week. Partly because not having to catch a school bus sucks the urgency out of the morning, and also a couple days, the ten year old’s before school writing club meant that there was no prompt for #2. Wordle and Duolingo usually got done at some point in the day, but I did have to use a couple streak freezes for the Duolingo because I would just forget. And granted none of this stuff was IMPERITIVE, but the morning feels better when I just automatically do things. I feel like when I know that these things will automatically happen after a prompt, I don’t spend mental energy on trying to figure when or if they will happen. (Contrast that with exercise/running – I don’t have a prompt for that because what with the weather and darker days and my current more flexible schedule, exercise doesn’t always happen at the same time and I like to look at my whole day in order to decide where it will happen. )
So I’ve been contemplating the difference between having a morning routine, where the morning is time blocked (ie. 7:00a teeth, 7:15 breakfast, 7:45 get dressed, etc…), versus just having prompts and habits and knowing the rest of the morning activities (pack lunch, get dressed, prep dinner, make breakfast – the essentials) will fall in place around it. I will say we have a luxuriously long morning – the kids are usually up by 6:30/6:45a and the baby goes to the neighbors’ at 8:10pm and the rest of us leave for the school bus at 8:50a. So nothing feels rushed, really. I just think I feel like the morning gets off to a better start when I do more than just the essential survival tasks of food and clothing. Anyhow, here’s hoping the next few weeks I can get back to my tiny habit mornings.
One the List This Weekend: – Birthday Party (adult) -Birthday Party x2 (kids) -Decorate for Christmas/ go get our tree – Tidy/ Pick up since cleaners are coming on Monday. -Order Christmas Cards -Christmas movie -Bake Cookies (hopefully) -World Cup Watching. -Meal Plan for next week.
Grateful for This Week: – That the pilot and passenger who flew into the electrical tower were able to be rescued safely. I don’t know them, but it must have been horrifically scary. I’m really glad that there were people who knew how to get them down safely. -All the bloggers who participated in NnBloPoMo – I’ve really enjoyed reading all the thoughts they put into the world this month, such honesty, realness and humor. And now I feel like I have new blogs to pop in and read and the (virtual) world has opened up a little. -That I’m not working right now and can just roll with the school cancellations and sick days. This week would have been difficult if I had been working because before/after care, which I usually would have used for school closures, was also closed due to the plane/power outage issue. I know so many parents that had to majorly scramble for coverage on Monday. – Hoopla and my library card. The kids have been listening to Dear Evan Hansen a lot these days. (Also Taylor Swift.) I thought it might be fun to get some music from the show so we can sing it, so rather than buying the sheet music, I put a bunch of music books on hold at the library. When I was loading up my holds list, I noticed that a bunch of these music books were also available as eBooks via Hoopla, so I downloaded those and have been trying to learn Waving Through the Window. There was a lot of music available and I’m eager to dip into more!
Looking forward to: – Helping my friend celebrate her birthday tonight. – Supertitle gig next week. – Getting my teeth cleaned. I know going to the dentist isn’t something people look forward to but, 1) next week is relatively quiet for adventures, and 2) I really like my dentist and hygienist – they are so nice, make me feel taken care of, and make me laugh even while suctioning spit out of my mouth.
What We Ate – This managed to be an eat-from-the-pantry/fridge/freezer week, which is always good the week after Thanksgiving:
Monday: Broccoli Pasta from Bad Manners cookbook. Vegan. This is really tasty for how simple it is. Boil pasta, drain. Sear broccoli in a pan, add garlic and red pepper flakes. Mix pasta in with broccoli. At the table, top with panko parmesan (Panko, nutritional yeast, garlic powder, paprika.) Yes, it’s essentially carbs topped on carbs, but the crunchy savory topping is what really makes this dish for me.
Tuesday: Spicy Salmon Tacos – I used the Korean Pork Taco recipe from Dinners Illustrated but subbed in Salmon and Shrimp for the pork.
Wednesday: Comedy night with my friend – I had a vegan mushroom risotto. The Husband stayed home with the kids and they had breakfast sandwiches and hash browns
Thursday: Butternut Squash Soup from Weeknight Vegetarian. Vegan version that used coconut milk to make it creamy. This was simple and tasty.
Friday: Meatball subs from the deli, wolfed down before the 10 year old’s piano recital. No movie this night – the piano recital was followed immediately by basketball practice.
The three year old has been going to daycare since September, so three months now. She had been home since she was born with my parents or an occasional sitter coming to watch her when I was working. Understandably, I was a little nervous about her starting daycare; she’d never really spent an extended amount of time in a classroom setting. How would she deal with other children? With teachers? With mandatory nap time?
Well, the first day, she walked right into the classroom, without nary a backward glance. A friend of mine, a former preschool teacher, said to me afterwards, “It means that she was ready to be out in the world.”
Of course, there have been a handful of teary drop-offs since then. Inexplicable mornings when she clings and cries and doesn’t want me to leave. Or at least they are mysterious to me. I’m sure she has her reasons for feeling vulnerable and clingy those mornings.
It is a little bit of an adjustments to go from being with a child all the time to only seeing her in the mornings and evenings. There is so much to her day that I don’t get to witness, so many lightbulb moments that I miss. She can now count and recognize shapes and letters. I certainly didn’t teach her that. But I’m grateful that someone else is.
Every day when she comes home from school, I give her a big hug, and I ask her, “How was your day today?” (I know such a vague open ended question is exactly the kind of thing parenting articles tell us not to ask, but it slips out before I can think of anything else.)
And every day she says with excited pride, “I didn’t cry at nap time!”
I don’t know what goes on at school that not crying at nap time is the highlight of her day, but it always makes me laugh when she says it.
At her parent teacher conference two weeks ago, I asked the teacher about this, wondering, “Does she usually cry at naptime?”
“Well,” they answered, “The first week, she did. She found naptime hard. But now she does really well at naptime.”
I thought about it in the days afterwards, and and, really… not crying at naptime – it actually seems like a pretty good barometer for how one’s day is going. When the things that used to be a struggle are almost mundane, it is easy for these previous challenges to fade into the mist and for our minds to adapt to a new, higher bar for a “good day”. Things like remembering to pay the bills on time, or making the bed in the morning morph into bigger tasks like estate planning and having the house spotless and it’s easy to feel daunted. Sometimes, though, it is good to remember when those low bars once seemed really high, and to celebrate one’s continued ability to hurdle them.
Here’s wishing you a wonderful (American) Thanksgiving week, where there is no crying at naptime.
The weather has been very erratic here these past few weeks. One day it will be high 70s, then next day it will be in the 40s. There was one week, when I was sure that the cool weather was here to stay – it was rainy and chill and everything seemed like it was going to take a lot of effort. And so my mind turned towards things that I like to be cozy and warm. Of course the next week, the weather was back up in the 70s and sunny sunny sunny. But some of the cozy things had already been implemented. Being cozy gives me such joy, that I thought I’d share my list of cozy things….
Cozy in the Car.
Car Blankets – My car is quite old and it takes a while for the heat to kick in, so I keep blankets in the car for the kids. They buckle up, then I tuck the blankets around them up to their chins and it keeps them cozy til the heat starts up.
A Cup of Tea – Tea in a mug to warm my hands and tea in my travel cup so that it is still warm three hours later when I finally sit down and have a sip. I don’t drink coffee, but I do drink a lot of tea, particularly when the weather gets cool. My tea of choice is the strong black stuff – Irish Breakfast, Oolong, or Lapsang Souchong. In the evenings when I wans something a little more gentle, I like Celestial Seasonings Honey Vanilla Chamomile.
Cozy Breakfast.
Oatmeal – my go to cold weather breakfast. I like it savory with soy sauce, sesame oil and a little bit of ume plum vinegar, topped with scallions, ginger and a soy egg, kind of like congee. I also like it sweet with berries, nuts, maple syrup and cinnamon.
Cozy sleep
Flannel Sheets – As much as I love the feeling of cool cotton in the summer, I love the warmth of slipping between flannel sheets in the winter. Unfortunately the Husband sleeps hot, so we don’t always put them on the bed.
Leggings and Booties – I don’t know if leggings and booties actually keep me warmer than just pants and wool socks, but I sure feel cozy wearing them. Maybe it’s a sartorial placebo effect.
A very aspirational stack.
A Stack of Books – Nothing says cozy to me like curling up on a couch, a throw blanket on my lap with a nice book to absorb me. I’ve decided this winter I’m going to read some nice thick tomes. I’ve started The Weight of Ink by Rachel Kadish, and it’s pretty good so far.
Cozy sweater
Sweaters and Robes – A few Christmases ago, the Husband and the ten year old got me a long hooded cardigan from Eddie Bauer. It is a blend of cotton/acrylic/polyester/wool and oh so warm and big enough to swallow me up. When I am cold, I put it on, pull the sleeves over my hands, and put the hood up and shiver. It’s like having a warm hug.
Cozy feet.
Slippers – Okay, I actually wear my wool slippers all year round, but cooler weather makes them imperative. I bought myself a pair of Glerups boiled woos slippers when the baby was born three years ago, and I had to replace them this year because I had worn holes in them. This time I’m going for the rubber soles so that I can periodically wear them outside if I need to run something to the recycling bin.
Wool Socks – along the lines of slippers… wool socks are a must this time of year. I splurged on some Bombas last year and they are everything I want in a sock. I used to share socks with the ten year old, but everyone now knows that the Bombas are only for mom.
Baking – Haven’t done much of that yet so far, but I did get a Bundt pan this year and I’m looking forward to making things in it. Tasty things that I can nibble on while I drink tea and read a book while under a blanket.
My go-to Boba order – Oolong milk tea, no sugar, regular ice, half boba, half lychee jelly. Bliss.
This weekend started with a rough night of sleep -the highlight of which was a three year old getting into bed with me and taking her “not poopy” diaper off in bed around 3am. And of course, the diaper was indeed poopy. So was her bottom. I suppose a bleary eyed 3am diaper change these days is a good, almost nostalgic, reminder of those newborn days. Then there was the 5am insistence that she wanted breakfast. And even though I could hear the Husband awake and moving around in the kitchen, the three year old insisted that it had be be “Mommy breakfast, not daddy breakfast!” All my good intentions for better sleep hygiene are being sabotaged by a pint sized toddler.
The rest of the weekend felt very indulgent. We went to try out a new Hot Pot place for Saturday dinner. We haven’t been to Hot Pot since before the pandemic, and I feel like going to Hot Pot is kind of a barometer of our comfort level with COVID times. (For those who haven’t been – hot pot is an Asian dining format where you get a pot with a pot of broth over a burner at your table – either individual pots or one pot for the table – and the diners add meats and sea food, and veggies and noodles to their own preference. It is a great social meal and usually takes a couple hours to really do it right.) Not quite sure if Hot Pot is a rational barometer or not, to be honest. We didn’t go to one of those places with a conveyor belt that brought your food, but rather our Hot Pot foods were brought by waiters after we ordered it via iPad, so it wasn’t like other people in the restaurant were breathing on it. There was also a charming robot that delivered boba tea, though we didn’t get to try that out because it seemed to get stuck a lot. We just went to the tea shop next to the restaurant and got boba after dinner. Then there was a band playing out on the plaza outside the restaurant so we hung out and drank our boba and listened to music for a little bit while the kids ran around on the grass. We probably over did it a little as the three year old vomited on the sidewalk at one point. “Don’t step in my vomit!” she yelled to us cheerily afterwards. So I guess she was okay.
hot pot spreadSisters and noodles
Sunday, the eating tour continued because we decided to go to the Taiwanese breakfast place. Taiwanese breakfast features bowls of steaming soy milk – either sweetened with sugar, or savory with scallions and sesame oil – which we eat with large sticks of fried dough (“yo tiao”). Along with that we have scallion pancakes, dumplings, noodles, seaweed salads, edamame and mustard green salad, “dan bing” (egg pancakes)… So much food, but all of it is super tasty and comforting. And afterwards, because there was a tea shop just next door, I had my second boba tea of the weekend. Boba is definitely a treat for me and to have it twice in one weekend was extra special. The tea shop next to Taiwanese breakfast also happens to serve Taiwanese shaved ice which is softer and fluffier than the Western version, and is topped with different jellies and red bean and fruit. My dad had been wondering if there was a shaved ice place in our area, so I was glad to have found this place and have mentally bookmarked it for later.
After breakfast and boba, we went to buy new shoes and boots for the kids. Our favorite shoe place has a policy that if you buy snow boots in September or October, if it doesn’t snow more than an inch all winter, they will take the shoes back in April. It is definitely pricier to buy shoes at Shoe Train, but the service is really great. The shocker this time around is that the ten year old now wears the same size shoe as me! I wasn’t ready for that yet…
Once everyone had new shoes, I took the two little kids to the park since the weather was beautiful and I wanted to spend some time outside. Then in the evening, we went over to a friend’s house for dinner. We got take out Chipotle and pizza and just sat around and talked all evening. I also baked a pie. The Husband had been wanting to make a pie with some of the apples he had gotten from the market a few weeks ago, so I was determined to make it happen, but then forgot we were hanging out with friends that night. So I asked if we could bake the pie at their place and they said sure! I made the filling and dough at home – the kids helped – and then assembled the pie and baked it in my friend’s oven and we had pie for dessert.
Helping peel and slice the apples
So it felt like a very full weekend. I did not get to the ten year old’s Halloween costume, so I need to make that a priority for the next few weeks, for sure.
Other fun/ interesting/ thought-provoking things from last week:
-Monday was Indigenous People Day, but the kids still had school. Traditionally this day is an open house at school for the parents to come an observe the classroom. My dad has been in town visiting, so he came with. Having two kids in two different schools meant a bit of travel to see both kids’ classes, but the open house was all morning and we ended up spending forty-five minutes at each school.
I was interested to see the five year old’s French Immersion class, and I was impressed that it was truly full immersion. Even still, the kids all managed to behave and learn and follow directions. The teacher repeated herself a lot and did a lot of pointing and demonstrating. It’s only been two months of school, and the five year old can already count to ten in French, do some basic math, and he can introduce himself. He also used random French words at home – things like “sac à dos” (backpack) and “poubelle” (trash can). It kind of takes me back to when I learned French in elementary school. When I was I was growing up in Ontario, in my school district, everyone started learning French in Grade Three.
We then went to the five year old’s class where all the students were really well behaved and quiet. Not that these attributes should be the pinnacle of student behavior, but rather everyone seemed really engaged. The ten year old did say afterwards that people were on really good behaviour and sometimes the teacher has to ask more than once for students to do things.
-This week, I had a supertitle gig for a Vocal Recital. I procrastinated a little on getting the titles done so the morning of the concert, after the open houses, I went to a cafe and worked for several hours. Being able to sit and sip my chai and work seemed so indulgent. The concert itself was lovely. There was an interesting set of songs by Franz Liszt that I was unfamiliar with, but which were dramatic and sweeping and made me wonder what it would have been like if Liszt wrote an opera. And the nicest thing, is on my dinner break, I went to the Roof Terrace of the building and the sky was beautiful and the golden light bathed the Washington Monument in pink light.
Dinner time roof top stroll.
-Something that made me think this week: This podcast episode from the Puberty Podcast titled “How To Parent without Judgement”. I listened to this episode at a good time this week – it had come to my attention that that the ten year old feels like I judge her too much. Which is probably true. I have a lot of opinions, and I sometimes have a hard time hiding said opinions, even if it’s just the way my eyes widen and my eye brows go up when I hear or see something. Some musings from this podcast: – There is a great point about how we need to stop judging ourselves. There is a fine line between being self aware and self-flagellating ourselves. – Parenting without judging also encompasses judging other people. The hosts point out that when you express opinions on other people’s choices, your child will pick up on that and that will influence how they feel and talk about their own choices. -There was some great tips and box text for managing moments without judgement. One things they mentioned was not making it about making the child feel bad for their negative behaviour, but rather present it as a bigger picture. For examples, if a child is constantly snacking out of the package, instead of condemning that specific action, you can say, “Hey, I bought the snacks for the whole family to share. Why don’t we pour some in the bowl for you.” Also – they recommend giving kids (and yourself) time before you make suggestions or share thoughts. ie. don’t re-hash the game on the way home from the soccer field. (If at all, to be honest) – One issue that this episode brought up for me was about positive judgements. Often when we talk about juding someone, we are talking about having negative thoughts about them – but is having positive or complimentary thoughts also considered “judging”? I’ve saved this episode because I think I will need to often remind myself of the many wise points. Speaking of which, this made me laugh this week:
-The baby was involved in a video shoot at work this week. We are putting up two shows right now, and the show that I’m not working on needed a little kid for some projection videos in the show. The opera Il Trovatore is one of those Italian blockbusters that feature all the opera clichés – love, revenge, war, class divides – and is famous for having a plot point that involves a baby getting thrown in a fire. Oh and also the Anvil Chorus. It’s full throated loud singing and melodrama. Great stuff. Anyhow I guess they needed a baby to throw into the fire, so we were asked if ours would be willing. I said sure! Baby’s first pay check! From all accounts, she did really well at the video shoot. Took direction, didn’t fuss and was super friendly and cute. I’m sure it had something to do with the gazillion lollipops they gave her. I peeked in at one point and was so proud to see her serious little face paying attention to the director, but I didn’t stay because I didn’t want to distract her. Afterwards, she came and sat in on my rehearsal for a little bit, though I can’t imagine what she thought of it. My show is a lot of loud declarative singing in German. My friend snapped a little picture of the baby in costume of the video shoot:
She was so exited, “I wore a hoodie!”
– I bought more masks this week. As I hovered on the webpage, I was struck with the dilemma of how many masks to buy. It is cheaper to buy more, but will the we still need masks in two months? Three months? I still have to wear a mask at work. The three year old still wears a mask at daycare. Masks are optional for the two kids in elementary school, but the five year old still prefers to wear a mask (“I don’t want to get sick,” he says.) The ten year old prefers to go without. Plus, the masks we found that work best for the kids just started releasing kids masks in fun bold colours… Spring of 2020 and the start of COVID impacting our lives sometimes seems very distant to me. Yet here I am two and a half year later and buying face masks is just another part of the life maintenance routine. At the beginning, I didn’t know what kind of masks to get and spent so much time sewing masks trying to find the perfect fit. Now I know what masks I like to get for the kids, and from which website. If they had a subscribe and save feature, I’d be all signed up. Funny how we adapt and adjust.
-I managed to bike to work three times. And by the end of the week, I biked all the way up the hill that I had walked up last week. Progress. Going uphill is still hard as f***, though.
Brisk fall day on my bike. Perfection.
-We head into tech at the end of this week. As always, my life goals for tech week: *eat healthy nourishing food. (Mostly. I mean there is a lot of unhealthy snacking that goes on too, but as long as I’m also eating the healthy stuff, I’m okay with this.) *Run on my dinner breaks. *Sleep when I get home late at night instead of scrollling *Help the Husband fold a basket or two of laundry whenever I can. Work goals: Stay calm, stay organized, stay on top of things, and be nice.
And as a last note – Angela Lansbury passed away last week. When I was a child we watched Murder She Wrote every Sunday night. And then as I got older, I grew to love her satirical edge in musicals like Sweeney Todd and Anyone Can Whistle. I love this quote from her Washington Post obituary.
The lady knew her priorities lay in her strengths. Or maybe her strengths lay in her priorities?
What We Ate: Saturday: I worked, the Husband made something that involved green beans and stir fry, I believe.
Sunday: We had been planning on eating out, but we had gone hiking so the Husband made tortellini, salad and garlic bread.
Monday: Mac and Cheese (from the blue box) and sausages. The Husband cooked because I was working.
Tuesday: Not sure – I was working.
Wednesday:Red Lentil Soup in the Instant Pot. Continuing my attempts to clean out the pantry. Vegan.
Thursday: The Husband cooked – Fried Tofu Sandwiches. This was an interesting recipe because it involved marinating the tofu in pickle juice. We had tofu to use up and the Husband googled “Tofu Recipes” and specifically looked for one that did not involve stir frying or Asian cuisine.
This was the first week where I’ve really noticed the trees donning their Autumn colours. First a faint swipe of colour here and there, like blush among the green and then towards the end of the week, brilliant red and gold trees. Some trees I saw while out on my lunch time walk:
This past weekend on my day off, I took the kids and my father on a hike to Weverton Cliffs. The five year old had requested, “A hike to a view” as his weekend activity, and Weverton Cliffs came up in my search as very kid friendly. The hike was about two miles out and back hike, and though there was a bit of an elevation gain, the switchbacks made it all very manageable; all three kids walked the whole way – I didn’t have to carry anyone! I feel like 3 miles is the limit for the baby these days. And indeed at the top, we were rewarded with a view. And also some hot chocolate, as one child said that they would not go hiking unless there was hot chocolate. The weather was actually a little warm for hot chocolate, but I think we enjoyed the decadence of having hot chocolate while gazing out on this:
View of the Potomac.
There wasn’t quite enough fall colour to make it seem like this was our “Fall Folliage” hike, but the view was breathtaking nonetheless.
Something I read that made me think this week: – This article from Barking Up the Wrong Tree, about the power of rituals. There seems to be a fine line between rituals, routines, and habits, but one distinction that the article makes is that rituals are not necessarily practical actions – that is to say a morning exercise routine has a tangible function, but crossing yourself and praying before every meal does not. The interesting point of the article makes, though, is that rituals, even if they don’t have tangible outcomes, do have a huge psychological function. Rituals help anchor chaotic times; they can provide concrete actions in times of anxiety.
There is a great example of how the tennis player Rafael Nadal has all these rituals during a tennis match – from only stepping over lines with his right foot, to making sure his game ID is face up on the bench to squeezing his energy gel exactly four times before he consumes it. These rituals may seem like ticks, but really they are ways for him to create order in his environment. He is quoted from his memoir: “Some call it superstition, but it’s not. If it were superstition, why would I keep doing the same thing over and over whether I win or lose? It’s a way of placing myself in a match, ordering my surroundings to match the order I seek in my head.“
I was thinking about my life currently, and I don’t think there are many rituals in my day to day. We do say grace before dinner. When I’m stage managing a performance, I have certain things I like to write in my notebook during the half hour before a performance… Aside from that, I can’t think of any rituals that don’t feel like they have a practical purpose. For example, I put my work ID in the exact same spot in my bag the minute I leave work – it is a routine action, but is it a ritual? The practical aspect is that it keeps me from losing my keys. On the other hand, it is a transitional gesture, to signal the end of the work day, so there is indeed an air of ritual about it.
Anyhow, the article made me think about what times in my day would a ritual be helpful for me to create an inner calm amidst chaos – mornings. evenings. before big chorus rehearsals. Tech. Holidays. Travel. In one of the studies the article cited, researchers had subjects perform a ritual involving sprinkling salt and crumpling up paper before they had to sing a big solo. They found that subjects who did this seemingly pointless gesture performed more accurately. So maybe I need to find my own version of salt sprinkle/paper crumple to incorporate into my mornings? I am intrigued by the idea.
Fun things: -I rode my bike to work. Friday morning, I was going to try to fit in a run before work since we started at 10:30a, then I realized that I could instead get on my bike, get my exercise and commute at the same time and it seemed like that best idea I’d had all week. It’s a 4.9 mile bike ride and takes about half an hour, which is ten minutes longer than taking the metro, but much more fun in the crisp autumn air, especially after having several dreary rainy days. I will admit there is a couple blocks that go uphill and I did get off and walk the bike; hopefully if I ride my bike more I’ll be able to ride up that block soon. After work, I biked to the park and met up with my friend who had picked up the two little kids from school and we played in the playground until it was time to go home for dinner.
-We did not go apple picking last weekend, but we did stop at a farm stand that had many many many different kinds of apples. We bought one of every variety, but didn’t keep straight which was what so I can’t go back and stock up on the varieties that I like the best. For the record, I like crisp apples that are a combination of sweet and sour – apples that crunch when I bite into them. Turns out the apples from Spicknall’s stand are the same price as they would be if we had indeed gone apple picking. I might have to re-evaluate the value of apple picking. Of course our favorite apple picking place has a goats and chickens and a playground, so I guess it is probably more about the event than the fruit.
So many apples!
-We’ve started rehearsal for our next show. One day, mid week, our director emailed me, saying she was cleaning out her son’s closet and did I want some toys that he had outgrown. “Sure!” I said. The next day she brought in a bin full of train tracks and a Lego robot. Now, I have always had an adverse reaction to train tracks and Legos. I know everyone sees creative open ended toys that are fabulous for the imagination. I see tiny pieces that I will have to pick up, or (in the case of Legos) that I will step on, causing excruciating pain. In my ideal world, all toys would be formed to be one single piece, preferably larger than my fist, and with no bits or bobs that will fall off. At any rate, I do fully recognize that these train tracks and robots will send my kids into toy heaven, so I am grateful for the hand me downs. I put the bin of train tracks in the Stage Management office, and when I came back at the end of rehearsal, this is what I found:
Apparently a box of train tracks could not be resisted by the other stage managers. Over the week, the train set us has grown and morphed, been disassembled and reassembled. We are playing. Seeing the joy people are finding in assembling wooden paths has made me realize that we don’t play enough. We come in and work with great intensity, yet I think there is something that could be incredibly useful in having a trainset in the office. It invites us to shift our brains to something else for a little while and work together. I mean we always work together – I think that’s one of my favorite things about my colleagues is that there is no one I don’t work well with – but building train routes together is a whole other way of working together – kind of whimsical and relaxed. It is a shame our office at the theatre is too small for train tracks. Maybe I need to find something whimsical and fun but compact. A jigsaw puzzle, perhaps?
What we ate: Two soup nights this week – it’s the easiest thing to make ahead in the InstantPot when there is a lot going on in the evenings. In trying to stick to making two vegan dinners a week, I was trying to branch out from the usual bean soups, and I found two soups that were pretty tasty.
Saturday: Take out from one of our favorite restaurants, a Burmese place that had closed briefly during the pandemic but is now open again for take out. Hooray!
Sunday: The Husband and I had date night – that is to say we went grocery shopping together while my mom watched the kids, then had early dinner at a deli. The ten year old made frozen tortellini with red sauce for her siblings.
Monday: Wild Rice Mushroom soup in the InstantPot – It’s a basketball night, so I needed to make something that would be ready to eat when the Husband and kids got home. Vegan.
Tuesday: The Husband cooked. Something involving eggplant. I worked late and had leftover Burmese take out for dinner.
Wednesday: Zucchini pancakes from Bare Minimum Dinners. Such a simple idea – grate two zucchinis, mix up a batch of pancakes from mix (I used Kodiak), add the zucchini and onion powder and some chopped herbs ( cilantro, mint, parsley was what I had on hand) to the mix. I also made some tzatziki on the side and we ate it with chopped up carrots.
Thursday: Pumpkin Lasagna Soup in the Instant Pot. Another activity heavy evening, so I made dinner ahead of time to be ready when folks got home. I was a little skeptical of the recipe, but it sounded interesting – a pumpkin soup with half a cup of tomato sauce and coconut milk and chickpeas and lasagna noodles. It turned out to be really really tasty. vegan.
Friday: Pizza (takeout) and Cool Runnings. I had never seen this 1993 movie about the Jamaican Bobsled team, and it came up in a list of family friendly movies under 100 mins, the time limit being important because we were having a late start to movie night. The movie is highly fictionalized but even still, it is delightful, funny, and inspiring – kind of a perfect family movie night film.
